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By Anonymous - 27/07/2016 15:24 - United States - Coshocton

Today, my mom grabbed my phone, said she was taking it because I'd been disrespectful, and hung up my call. I'd been speaking with a work client. This is the gratitude I get for paying all her bills for the past 2 years, all because she's too lazy to get a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 020

You deserved it 1 938

By Oh my god ew - 03/01/2018 10:19

Today, I was watching the news. Apparently a local pizza shop was shut down after pictures of a hundred cockroaches scuttling on the make table were posted online. In my hand was a slice of the pizza I had ordered there yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 037

You deserved it 517

Symphoniaes tells us more.

Symphoniaes 32

Sunday 31 December 2017 20:08

Hey, OP here. This happened a little while ago, and I wanted to give an update. They actually had the gall to reopen the store “under new management” and put big yellow signs in the windows to let everyone know that they were open and hiring. I drove by there yesterday, however, and the windows and door were boarded up. I still throw up a little just thinking about it.

By Anonymous - 15/06/2016 17:07 - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, my brother started ranting about how fluoridated water is a conspiracy to "turn people gay". I said the government must be doing a shit job of it, since he's been drinking the stuff longer than I've been alive and is still married to a woman. He punched me so hard, my vision blacked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 738

You deserved it 2 133

By Anonymous - 29/05/2018 02:33

Today, I got rear-ended on my way home from the pet store, causing my pet food to open up and go flying all over the floor of my car. My pet is a snake, and his food is live mice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 571

You deserved it 1 009

By Anonymous - 03/07/2018 01:30

Today, I found out I'm 9 weeks pregnant. I got on Facebook to message my baby daddy, but was stopped in my tracks by his mugshot plastered all over my news feed for an alleged meth distribution investigation. He was already on parole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 531

You deserved it 4 745

By Anonymous - 27/04/2016 17:32 - United States - East Stroudsburg

Today, I got mugged. Trying to be brave, I attacked my mugger, who then broke my nose. Suddenly, I was saved by someone: A 15 year-old goth girl who promptly tackled the mugger to the ground. I'm a 21 year old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 690

You deserved it 2 925

By Bitch - 26/05/2019 00:02

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I was cheating on him. Surprised, I replied "No, Tim, of course not!" This might have been more convincing if I'd called my boyfriend by his own name, instead of the name of the guy I'm cheating on him with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 478

You deserved it 11 289

By Happyhope - 18/05/2017 21:00 - Argentina

Today I intended to get up at 6 am so I set the alarm for 5 am. What ended up happening was that I got up at 9 am, and the 5 am alarm will ring in two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 681

You deserved it 1 216

By Axlgrows - 02/12/2016 16:44

Today, a friend admitted that the reason I got the nickname Axl is because I was an A cup with XL underwear. I guess I should be called Axxl now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 481

You deserved it 1 638

By Nina - 24/07/2017 23:48

Today, I ordered a vacuum cleaner on Amazon for same-day delivery. When it arrived in the evening I learned the value of reading the description rather than just looking at pictures because it turned out to be a toy vacuum, for a suggested age of two. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 214

You deserved it 5 153

Nina tells us more.

Nina 32

Monday 24 July 2017 23:47

Hi-ya folks! First let me just say, I'm super stoked because this is the first FML I've ever had published! Second, the back story is this: when I ordered the vacuum, I had just woken up from a dream I had while on sleeping pills so I was preeeetty drowsy. The dream involved vacuuming which is what inspired the shopping spree to begin with. Since I was so drowsy I was skimming over all the product descriptions and only looking at the pictures and prices and let me tell you: by looking at the photo there is no way to tell it's a toy. It's got a brand and model name on it (Bosch Ergomaxx Professional) and cost 40 euros. I thought I was just getting a good deal. Needless to say, kids toys have come a long way in recent years. It's even functional! Just not quite practical for an adult...

By addict - 26/08/2017 13:00

Today, after spending over a year getting clean and sober, I started feeling horrible withdrawal symptoms and couldn't understand why. It turns out my wife had been dosing my food with Adderall "to keep me on track" and just stopped. So much for my anniversary chip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 145

You deserved it 319

New horizons

By itsalwaysme - 09/11/2017 06:00

Today, after recently rekindling an old relationship, I discovered a whole new world when I found his secret Twitter account. Apparently he's now a cross-dressing, submissive, financially dominated "slave" for doms online. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 053

You deserved it 842

By ihatebeingacashier - 11/07/2016 21:06

Today, I handed a middle-aged woman her change of $0.75 with three quarters. She looked at the change bewildered and threw the coins down, asking if she thought I could get away with only giving her thirty cents. I had to explain to her how much a quarter is worth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 280

You deserved it 751

Clumsy nitwit

By Anonymous - 04/05/2018 01:30

Today, while dropping files off at my boss's house, I tripped and fell into his fish tank. We both watched as a crack spread all the way across the glass and shattered, covering his carpet in fish and water. His only words to me were, "I'll see you at work tomorrow. Maybe." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 467

You deserved it 633

By swag huh? - 22/09/2018 04:00 - Philippines - Para?aque

Today, I went on a blind date. As I waited for him in a pet-friendly mall, my friend said, "He's eccentric and has swag!" I didn't exactly know what she meant until I met him. He arrived with a miniature horse with a light pink coat and puffy fuchsia mane and tail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 669

You deserved it 353

Baked

By NotHappyJan - 03/12/2018 03:00

Today, I thought I'd take advantage of the lovely weather and sunbake topless in my grandmother's back yard. My grandma went up the street to do some shopping and didn’t tell me that men were coming to mow the lawn. I was laying on my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 769

You deserved it 2 019

By RIPmyhair - 20/12/2018 20:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when he asked if it was okay to finish on my back. Not only did he do that but he also got it on my neck, the side of my face, and my hair which I'd just gotten done at the salon for almost $200 and can't wash for 2 days. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2 164

You deserved it 2 191

By Anonymous - 24/11/2015 13:17 - United States - Westborough

Today, I was jerking off quietly so my roommates wouldn't hear me. In the middle of it, one of them sent me a screenshot of an error message on a porn site, asking if I was having the same problem. I guess I wasn't being so quiet after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 363

You deserved it 6 934

Deflection

By Quicky5_ - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Jasper

Today, at work, my coworker's belongings went missing. Infuriated, she accused me of stealing, because I'm black and "stereotypes don't just make themselves." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 946

You deserved it 2 612

By Anonymous - 21/12/2016 23:13

Today, I went to my parents house to secretly collect all of their home videos and convert them to DVDs as a Christmas gift. Among them I found a sex tape my parents had made. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 804

You deserved it 3 678

By Nicoleanne - 20/11/2016 14:08

Today, I hosted an open house. I forgot about it and arrived as they were leaving. There were dirty dishes and laundry everywhere, and my dildo was on my dresser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 495

You deserved it 13 319

By Lizzy - 11/11/2016 03:01

Today, I tried to make things less awkward by complimenting my Tai Chi partner's ring and he says, "Thanks, it's a purity ring!" I said, "I used to have one of those. Would you believe me if I said I lost it in a river?" Now my entire Tai Chi class thinks I lost my virginity in a river. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 018

You deserved it 2 732

Stop whining, Sybil

By Thoughtless Wife - 18/06/2017 14:00

Today, my sister-in-law announced on Facebook that I did nothing for my husband's birthday. I'd just had major surgery, and I'm not allowed to drive or do much. We had a small party - just us and the kids - but didn't invite anyone over. I guess not inviting her meant we did nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 792

You deserved it 288

By Smokey - 31/07/2017 00:30

Today, I found out that my neighbours are mad at me because I smoke. I don't smoke on the balcony, I walk away from the apartment complex so that they won't be affected by my bad habit. They're still mad at me because they can still see me. Didn't know that you could smell with your eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 575

You deserved it 903

Jagged Little Pill

By Anonymous - 02/10/2019 22:01

Today, my daughter wanted to show me the tooth she had just lost. As I was in a rush to leave for work, I quickly picked up and swallowed my pill that was on the kitchen table. It was only until I looked back down at the table did I see not only my pill, but one extremely angry daughter glaring at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 568

You deserved it 920

By Dumped and pregnant - 01/05/2018 05:00

Today, my ex dumped me for his ex who'd cheated on him. Today, I also found out I'm pregnant. When I told him he said, "I’m really happy for you. I hope it all works out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 780

You deserved it 554

DILF

By Anonymous - 06/05/2016 16:55 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, my dad and I ran into a guy I've been dating. He flipped out and accused me of cheating on him. This is now the second guy to have a similar reaction to my dad. I guess this is one of those unexpected consequences of teen pregnancy that my parents didn't see coming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 943

You deserved it 1 488

By boipucci - 22/04/2016 01:04 - United States - East Brunswick

Today, my drug dealer was the only one who wished me a happy birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 604

You deserved it 6 381

boipucci tells us more.

boipucci 1

Friday 22 April 2016 19:26

OP here. Thanks to the actual birthday wishes. Didn't do anything special, but thanks nonetheless.

Snap!

By fryebaby623 - 13/11/2015 05:47 - United States - Vero Beach

Today, I was so tired when I got home from work, I took off my bra without removing my shirt which I've done so often it is second nature. I successfully removed the bra, then snagged the clasp on a loose shirt thread, causing my bra to take on a life of its own and slap me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 309

You deserved it 3 228

By Anonymous - 15/05/2017 14:00

Today, my 5-year-old daughter had to find pictures of animals that she felt represented each member of her family. This was the one she chose for me. I think she might be trying to imply something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 416

You deserved it 638

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The Top

Today, I was walking down the street, when a man behind me tapped me on the shoulder. He gave a $5 bill and said that he thought I had dropped it. Not having the integrity to turn him down, I took it. I spent the next 20 minutes being chased by a crazy hobo who claimed that it was his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 445

You deserved it 52 240

Today, my four-year-old son decided to bite my butt during prayer at church. The entire sanctuary heard me instinctively swear at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 737

You deserved it 27 259

Today, as a good friend, I went to pick up my buddy from the airport. I arrived at the wrong terminal and waited for an hour before realizing he had landed an hour earlier at the other terminal. By the time I found his whereabouts, he'd already taken an Uber home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 136

You deserved it 474

Today, I'm a student vet. Part of my holiday work is to gain experience working at a dairy. A cow came on to the platform for me to inject her udder. As I was bent over, she decided to take a dump. Onto my left eyeball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 117

You deserved it 6 217

Today, I went to a really hot chick I’ve known for years's house, because she said her soon to be ex-husband had gone on a business trip for work. While I was sitting in the house with a ton of cologne on and a fresh shave, the husband walked in, looked at me, and said, "What’s up?" Guess I'm not getting laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 101

You deserved it 591

Today, my cat fell into the bathtub while walking along the rim. This wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't in it at the time, and if my skin was immune to being sliced open by a frantic kitty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 236

You deserved it 5 459