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By cashier - 12/07/2009 00:33 - United States

Today, I was trying to clean the belt of my register at work at a grocery store. I noticed two strips of rubber stuck in the corner of the belt, and after pulling on them periodically all morning one finally came loose. It was a foot. I had been pulling at a dead rat trapped in the belt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 602

You deserved it 3 331

Breeders

By Anonymous - 23/11/2021 07:59 - United States - Spokane

Today, I'm closing on a house with my boyfriend of 9 years at the end of this week. We have plans to be engaged. When discussing what rooms would be what, he mentioned how one could be a nursery. I told him 9 years ago, and several other times, that I didn't want kids. Turns out he's been waiting for me to change my mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 999

You deserved it 452

Animal union

By Anonymous - 01/02/2023 10:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I went to the zoo to see all of my favorite animals. When I got there, I realized they must've all been on strike or something, and refused to come out of their enclosures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 606

You deserved it 290

SORRY!

By imsorry - 14/01/2015 23:57 - United States - Oakland

Spicy

Today, I found out how whipped I am when, at the climax of sex, I moaned, "I'm sorry!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 231

You deserved it 7 848

By Anonymous - 18/01/2011 08:28 - United States

Today, I was at the grocery store with my dad. He let out a very silent but foul abomination of a fart. The people behind us started gagging, so he turned, pointed at me and said, "That was my daughter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 195

You deserved it 3 841

By Anonymous - 23/01/2010 23:18 - United States

Today, I came home to find my little sister had decided to play hopscotch under our carport. Feeling a small childish urge, I decided to hop on one leg to the front door. I tripped and fell, slicing my knee open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 739

You deserved it 21 335

Not amused

By Anonymous - 16/10/2012 04:48 - United States - Saint Louis

Spicy

Today, a one-eyed drunken homeless man followed me around the store I work at, screaming at me because I turned down his sexual advances. My managers and coworkers wouldn't kick him out because they thought it was funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 767

You deserved it 2 119

Pick me

By Brit - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I made a Facebook under a guy's name and I'm sending myself wall posts just so it looks like I actually talk to a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 260

You deserved it 46 264

By WeightAMinute - 09/07/2009 01:28 - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend who dumped me after 2 1/2 years because I got fat. The last two years I've lost 68 lbs, am happier and couldn't wait to shove that in his face. So, of course the first time he see's me I'm alone, pushing a shopping cart full of ice cream for a party later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 798

You deserved it 6 333

Same

By Anonymous - 08/01/2015 14:24 - Estonia - Tallinn

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets more pleasure out of using a Q-tip than he does having sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 004

You deserved it 6 101

Grow up

By Anothernametaken - 18/11/2011 12:22 - United States

Today, while working the drive-through at McDonald's, I was handing a gentleman his vanilla shake. He responded by popping the cap off, yelling "Fire in the hole!" and throwing it back in. He then quickly drove off. I was covered in vanilla shake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 301

You deserved it 5 255

By ovawerkrd - 16/01/2011 17:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I finished working a week's overtime managing admin, stock, finances, and three members of staff. I realised that despite all my extra work, I actually earn less per hour than the students who only work on the weekends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 996

You deserved it 2 766

Stinky

By josh - 06/12/2021 02:01

Today, while applying deodorant, my mom came up behind me slapped the stick out of my hand, and confiscated it, saying, “No one needs deodorant when it’s this cold.” At work, I got so many complaints about my B.O that I was sent home to go take a shower. I shower every single day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 239

You deserved it 168

Thanks for the memories

By Bpride1 - 11/11/2021 08:00 - United States - Moses Lake

Today, I was victim to not one but two narcissists. I'd totally thought that these people were my friends, but everyone warned me that, "They’re only your friends when they need something from you.” I should’ve listened. I constantly felt like they were just using me. A "Thank you" goes a long way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 279

By Anonymous - 12/10/2012 02:56 - United States

Today, I learned that scorpions can apparently hold their breath for hours, and that doing so makes them angry. I found this out when I removed a scorpion from the bottom of my pool and found that it was not entirely drowned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 687

You deserved it 2 654

By AidenFromSweden - 06/07/2009 18:41 - Sweden

Today, I come home to find my nephew holding pieces of my new $3,500 Sony Video Camera. He told me he threw it out the window because it was a portal for aliens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 847

You deserved it 4 449

By notapedobear - 13/01/2011 08:21

Today, I was in a shopping centre when a little girl was running up and down the aisles. She started to fall over so I put my hand out to catch her. Her mother then ran up to me and screamed about me 'touching her child' so loud that everyone could hear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 287

You deserved it 3 290

By shit... - 05/07/2009 18:16 - United States

Today, I sent out my monthly curriculum list to the parents of the kids in my math class so they can see what their children will be learning. I usually end my e-mails with the phrase 'math is power'. Now, 154 parents got an e-mail saying 'meth is power'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 955

You deserved it 23 819

By jitterbug - 02/01/2015 05:36 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, when my roommate asked me what was wrong, I told him that something I ate was making me feel sick. He works 10+ hours a day, and I didn't have the heart to tell him that the putrid smell of his feet was making me nauseous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 760

You deserved it 4 743

By mad dude - 12/01/2011 07:46

Spicy

Today, I realized I'm pussy whipped by a chick I'm not even dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 865

You deserved it 41 603

Dumbass

By litup - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my drunk boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to light a firework in the back seat of my car while we were driving down the interstate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 042

You deserved it 6 663

By Anonymous - 31/12/2014 20:29 - United States

Today, my mom tried to give me a pep talk to boost my self confidence. Somehow, it ended up turning into a conversation about how much of a loser I am and how I have no friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 116

You deserved it 2 899

By sammieshortcake - 14/09/2013 15:30 - United States

Today, I was talking to my husband about our favorite TV show, when he took my face in his hands and sweetly whispered, "You're so pretty. Why must you ruin it with words?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 371

You deserved it 8 270

sammieshortcake tells us more.

sammieshortcake 15

Saturday 14 September 2013 23:05

He was actually joking when he said it. I just thought it was funny because of the way he said it like he was being all romantic, so I submitted it. So stoked it got published! And to the person who said yeah "our" favorite show-it was Game of Thrones, which is both of our favorite shows. lol

No shame

By bluewatersify - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, I got a letter in the mail, my mother has applied for a reduction in her child support payments for my brother and me. She's paid $10 child support in 16 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 825

You deserved it 2 311

By Jac - 17/01/2010 19:59 - United States

Today, my friend decided to pants me in the middle of the mall. I wasn't wearing underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 804

You deserved it 32 840

By punaise ... - 05/12/2014 02:12 - France - Marchaux

Today, to avoid walking on a thumbtack that had fallen on the floor, my little sister took a red sharpie to the carpet and drew a circle around it, "so that way, everyone will see it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 794

You deserved it 3 086

Delusions

By Ilikeurfmls - 06/09/2020 05:05

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my parents I think I'm suffering from schizophrenia. They refused to discuss it after telling me, "It's all in my head." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 643

You deserved it 140

Gagging for it

By Anonymous - 20/02/2023 20:00 - United States - Cleveland

Spicy

Today, my roommate spends so much time in our dorm room that I got a boner when I heard him leaving for class, because it was my first chance in days to jack off in peace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 949

You deserved it 277

Meet the family

By OhMeGerd - 05/10/2012 14:56 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I was invited to my boyfriend's house for dinner for the first time. His mom made a fantastic dinner, so I showed my appreciation by eating the lot. Apparently I was overdoing it because when I looked up everyone was staring. His dad muttered, "Slow the hell down." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 496

You deserved it 29 052

Teenage Riot

By Anonymous - 21/12/2021 02:01

Today, I got home from my tour of duty. The first thing my teen daughter said to me was could she have some money, because mom won’t give her anymore since she got caught using her allowance to buy weed. Not even a "Hello" or tears of joy to see me, just a demand for drug money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 455

You deserved it 220

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Today, I was feeling really down and insecure after a friend joked about how small my boobs are. When my grandma got me to tell her what happened, she reassured me that all the girls in our family were late bloomers. I said "Really?" and she replied, "Oh no dear. Quite the opposite." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 148

You deserved it 4 038

Today, I saw what I thought was a gallon jug of water. Trying to do something spontaneous and fun, I took my hardest swing at it to see how far I could kick it. It was frozen solid. I broke my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 407

You deserved it 43 970

Today, I was told by 'Seventeen' to add liquid highlighter to my foundation for an all-over glow. Little did I know that liquid highlighter is an actual makeup product. I now have an awful rash due to applying the ink from a highlighter pen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 742

You deserved it 93 810

Today, not only did my horse step on my foot & refuse to move, he also took the opportunity to crap on my other foot while I was incapable of moving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 629

You deserved it 329

Today, I asked my husband if it was a good time to think about having kids. His response was, "ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NEVER." I’ve always wanted to be a mom and he knows that. I feel like I’ve wasted my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 564

You deserved it 639

Today, I saw my crush for the first time since she rejected me and said she was a lesbian. The man she was passionately making out with in the dining hall would state quite the opposite. FML

I agree, your life sucks 713

You deserved it 197