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As the OP, a few extra points: I'm female, he was about a foot taller than me, I'd come home from an 8 hour shift, and I called the cops once I'd moved down the street to a safe distance. If there had been people around, I'd have stood up to him, but I didn't want to add mugging to an already shitty day. But, at #29, I'll totally try that next time!

By dogggg - 14/07/2014 02:10 - India - Pune

Today, I caught my dog drinking from the toilet. After yelling at him, his apology was licking my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 757

You deserved it 9 644

By sumhub94 - 14/05/2013 16:48 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 4-year-old, and we decided to play a game of hide and seek. Before he started to count, he looked me in the eyes and said that if I hid in his spot, he'd murder me with a knife when he grows up. I have to babysit this kid for the rest of the summer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 688

You deserved it 3 925

By T___T - 12/09/2015 01:54 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that no, my period arriving several days late doesn't mean I have AIDS. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 438

You deserved it 2 314

By SierraCheyenne - 30/04/2013 01:57 - United States - Hannibal

Today, my parents finally got married. At the after-party, my mother got drunk and informed me that even though she and my father were now married, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still a bastard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 752

You deserved it 3 709

By still single - 06/08/2015 01:22 - Brazil - Santa Maria

Today, it was still easier for me to get an engineering PhD than it is to get a girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 712

You deserved it 3 030

By Sucker - 12/10/2009 19:31 - Canada

Today, after working another double shift because I want to buy my boyfriend a really expensive anniversary present, I get to his apartment to find him calculating in how many paychecks he'll be able to afford a Caribbean getaway. For himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 603

You deserved it 3 613

By jane - 09/10/2009 14:04 - Australia

Today, I was pretending to be a monkey for a "documentary". The branch snapped and I fell out of the tree and onto a car roof. It was after school, I fell onto the dean's BMW. The video was on facebook before I regained consciousness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 462

You deserved it 11 502

Manchild

By babysheets - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Uruguay

Today, I washed my sheets. They wouldn't dry quick enough, so I had to use my old Buzz Lightyear sheets. My new girlfriend took it upon herself to become a damn psychic and pay me a surprise visit right there and then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 058

You deserved it 4 524

By GreenScar - 11/03/2009 04:45 - United States

Today, my brother's new girlfriend, who is blind, asked to feel my face so she could tell what I look like. She said I was "unique". A blind chick just told me I was ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 841

You deserved it 5 641

By Yulia - 09/03/2009 10:09 - United States

Today, my mom decided to give me a solid reason for not having pre-marital sex. She told me that my future husband will want me to be tight for our first time. My mom and I were on a ski lift. The ride lasted 10 more uncomfortable minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 273

You deserved it 5 225

Know your place

By slingerslasher - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - New York

Today, I was using the short urinal when I heard someone say, "Ahem!" in a loud voice. I looked back to see an angry little kid. He made me switch urinals so he could use the short one. I got urinal-evicted by a little boy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 616

You deserved it 7 429

Distraction

By girlie - 04/03/2009 23:45 - United States

Today, I was in the gym when I noticed three trainers who worked there staring at me. Thinking that they were checking me out, i turned the speed on the treadmill higher. Finally one of the trainers came over, and asked me to leave until I got a sports bra that actually worked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 472

You deserved it 47 536

By Anonymous - 09/05/2015 18:50 - United States - Humble

Today, on my first driving lesson, I crashed my instructor's car. I didn't even make it out of the parking lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 248

You deserved it 11 109

By roostergirl - 22/08/2009 15:39 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. As I was leaving his house, I heard him shout, "Hey! Wait! Sweetie, get back here!" He was talking to his cat who'd run out the door behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 843

You deserved it 3 444

By me - 25/01/2012 03:40 - Canada

Today, I attended an elderly man's funeral. As I approached the casket his wife said, "Thank you for coming." I replied with, "No, thank you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 054

You deserved it 30 340

By kidyounot - 18/12/2012 00:29 - United States - Statesboro

Today, my fiancé called off our engagement after I contested his belief that women stop having periods after they are married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 663

You deserved it 4 209

This is going to get old pretty quick

By Mike Messenger - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I moved into a new house, I couldn't help but notice a car alarm going off, so I investigated my neighbors. Turns out it's their bird. It imitates chainsaws, car alarms, and much more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 368

You deserved it 3 518

By Anonymous - 28/09/2013 21:28 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, in a fit of jealousy over my recent muscle growth, my brother told our mom that I've only been going to the gym so I could smoke weed with my friends. She believed him and grounded me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 705

You deserved it 2 960

Love is…

By LadyLump - 24/01/2010 18:12 - United States

Today, I was ecstatic after spending the night with my longtime crush, when he told me he felt something. I poured my heart and soul out to him, confessing my love for him too. Unfortunately, he was referring to a lump in my left breast, which I now need to get checked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 519

You deserved it 4 632

You OK up there?

By hurtsmyears - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to endure yet another evening of the old man in the apartment above me screaming, "No, I don't want to shave my nose hair, you crazy bitch." He lives alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 777

You deserved it 2 460

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Today, I was called by my son's school. They said he'd been forging my signature and comments in his reading book. He didn't forge them. I don't know what's worse: my handwriting looking like a 6 year-old's, or being too cowardly to admit it. He has a week of lunch detention, but I still have my dignity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 397

You deserved it 115 899

Today, one of my teachers asked me to babysit their kids saturday night. She didn't forget that it was Prom night, she was going to chaperone it. My teacher assumed I wasn't invited to Prom... I wasn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 776

You deserved it 5 217

Today, my portfolio manager called me and said he had invested all of my retirement in Circuit City. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 780

You deserved it 3 114

Today, my grandpa died suddenly. About a month ago, he gifted me a few thousand dollars to buy a used car. My uncle is now demanding I return it, saying I can't prove that my grandfather agreed to it, and that he wants his rightful share of the inheritance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 319

You deserved it 73

Today, I went to a friend's party, only to realize I was in the wrong apartment, after getting the address confused. Instead of awkwardly leaving, I stayed for a bit and pretended I was someone’s cousin. I was oddly suspicious that no one noticed me mingling, but then it turned out to be a shady MLM recruitment party for a leggings company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 109

You deserved it 432

Today, we heard screaming outside our house. My wife hid the door keys so I couldn’t go outside to help whoever it was. Her excuse? “You don’t ever run towards people screaming! Haven’t horror movies taught you anything? Whoever that is out there, they are not our problem!” Selfish cow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 102

You deserved it 29