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Play it safe

By Anonymous - 18/04/2022 14:00 - United States - Morganville

Today, my girlfriend of three years dumped me because my refusal to go out drinking or get wasted at parties with her makes me "too boring". Thing is, I'm a recovering alcoholic. I'm over one year sober and I don't want to risk relapsing again, yet she expects me to choose between my health and her idea of fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 517

You deserved it 179

Lock your doors

By Anonymous - 27/05/2019 00:14

Today, I was touching myself in my room. Just as I hit the climax, my mom walked in because she heard me making noises and thought I was having a nightmare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 544

You deserved it 783

Deep Throat

By Anonymous - 16/02/2021 06:21 - Canada - Kamloops

Today, after months of celibacy due to being utterly single in this pandemic, I finally got to look a man in the eyes while being deepthroated. Oh. I wasn't gagging on his penis, no no, it was on a Covid test swab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 514

You deserved it 326

kahaney tells us more.

kahaney 4

Tuesday 16 February 2021 3:29

Hey, OP here! Hahaha ,fortunately I had the choice to get the nasal or the throat swab and I chose throat! No deep nasal ******* here!

Get off my lawn!

By Anonymous - 08/04/2022 18:00

Today, some completely out of touch with reality woman told me I didn’t deserve my house I bought with my own money, because it’s a 4 bedroom yet I live alone, so I should give it to her unemployed ass and her 6 hungry children. She wouldn’t leave and stood in my garden fake crying for 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 232

You deserved it 208

Happy days

By Anonymous - 08/08/2023 20:00

Today, my girlfriend told me she's pregnant and I did not take it well. She had planned to record my happy reaction for Facebook; instead she got video of me bursting into tears, and trying to talk her into an emergency abortion. She sent it to my parents to punish me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 593

You deserved it 1 237

By Anonymous - 02/07/2019 12:07

Today, I had breakfast at a hotel in Jamaica. The bill came to $1087 Jamaican Dollars, which is roughly $8.30 USD. When they swiped my Visa card, the hotel accidentally charged me $1087 USD. That's the most expensive omelet I've had in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 218

You deserved it 171

Time to adopt a bunch of cats

By Anonymous - 02/03/2021 21:30 - United States

Today, I burst into tears when my 35 year-old cousin announced on social media she is going to be a grandma. Her 16 year-old son's girlfriend is pregnant. I am 33, single, and have been romantically invisible to everyone my whole life. I'm gonna die alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 132

You deserved it 252

Slight anger issues

By IsabellaM - 27/05/2022 14:01

Today, my husband broke the vase and smashed the chandelier in the hallway, all because I asked him who he was on the phone with. His exact words were, “Do you ever just mind your fucking business? Goddamn!” Oh, and he told me I have to buy a new vase and replace the chandelier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 149

You deserved it 212

Serious business

By John - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff - United States - Midway City

Today, one of my interviewers got so bored, he made a paper airplane out of my résumé. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 441

You deserved it 696

Sorry doggo

By good riddance - 29/05/2022 16:00

Today, my girlfriend flipped out and dumped me. According to her, not stopping for a dog in the road makes me a sociopath and unsuitable for a relationship. Yes, because slamming on my brakes or swerving into the next lane while doing 75 on the highway and causing a wreck made so much more sense. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 160

You deserved it 826

By Pissedoffwife - 07/07/2019 14:00

Today, our dishwasher broke. It's my husband's chore to do the dishes, but he refused to hand-wash them, and instead suggested we take them all up to his mother's for her to put in her dishwasher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 812

You deserved it 243

By Anonymous - 11/08/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my 7-year-old cousin has been having raging temper tantrums, added to an inability to tell the truth, and a disturbingly sociopathic nature. I'm pretty sure I'm seeing a psychopath in the making, and I'm stuck living here for two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 675

You deserved it 247

By Ugh - 22/08/2017 23:15

Today, I got a job offer and was asked to come in at 5am for training. I sat there for about 2 hours before giving up. I was at the wrong site. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 234

You deserved it 2 937

By That escalated quickly. - 28/08/2017 20:00

Today, I was excited by the thought of the bathroom in my rental being replaced after the plumber advised that the leak can't be easily fixed. Instead, the owner has decided to fully renovate and is kicking me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 985

You deserved it 347

Roommates from hell, part 47757

By Sofvcked - 29/06/2022 10:00

Today, I found out when my new roommate said she was self-employed, she really meant unemployed. She insists that I let her stay for free or she will file a sexual assault case against me. Rent is due on the 10th. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 072

You deserved it 160

Gamer watch

By kristajoy2001 - 01/09/2019 00:02

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. All of the sudden, he whispered in my ear, "Do you want to hear a Minecraft joke?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 874

You deserved it 353

Google Maps strikes again!

By -_- - 21/09/2017 16:00

Today, I went shopping for some nice clothing for work. Annoyed that the first two stores I went to didn't have anything, I drove to a store in an unfamiliar part of the city. Not only did Google Maps direct me to a store that doesn't exist, but my car broke down in the parking lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 856

You deserved it 300

In the zone

By Anonymous - 12/09/2019 20:05

Today, I was flirting with a girl I like when she confessed she was into another guy. I then proceeded to wingman for that guy, telling her to take her shot with him before the chance went away. Effectively sticking myself into the friendzone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 792

You deserved it 1 713

Twerking hard or hardly twerking?

By SailorSolaris - 04/10/2017 18:50 - United States

Today, I managed to pull a muscle at work. In my ass. While standing still. I still don't know how. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 138

You deserved it 320

SailorSolaris tells us more.

SailorSolaris 43

Wednesday 4 October 2017 3:04

Op here. Still don't know how it happened. Third time, too, though the other times were in my back. Anyone have a clue?

Jimmy Handtricks

By Abandonded - 28/05/2021 08:02

Today, my husband is a music teacher, and I walked in on him on Zoom with one of his female students. He said he was teaching her the guitar. He was naked from the waist down and she was fully nude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 562

You deserved it 210

Gross out

By lawdwhy - 12/11/2017 22:09

Today, my sense of smell is severely impaired by a bad cold. As a result, I inadvertently ate some highly questionable dairy. I figured this out after my roommate sniffed my yogurt and gagged, just before my bowels had their opportunity to object to my meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 086

You deserved it 504

Freudian slip?

By Anonymous - 02/12/2017 05:00

Today, I accidentally called a student in my 10th grade English class "David" instead of "Dylan". Without thinking, I said, "I'm sorry, I just have a lot of Ds in my life!" All of my students broke out in mortified laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 007

You deserved it 1 109

Student Hell

By Anonymous - 30/10/2019 04:00

Today, I'm studying in another city. My tutor hates me because of my looks and accent. I have no friends, computer or internet outside of uni. I live in a room I rent at an old couple's house. Due to a flimsy door, I hear everything they do or say, and vice versa. I can't move from the bed. If I do, their dog, who guards my door, starts barking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 267

You deserved it 201

Looking for another one!

By Anonymous - 20/12/2019 01:00

Today, I finally got a Christmas gift, a calligraphy set, for my father that I have been looking for for a month. My dad came home happily with the same calligraphy set today, saying that he surprised himself for Christmas. He got it cheaper than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 175

You deserved it 246

Fast and Furious

By Anonymous - 02/03/2020 01:00

Today, my girlfriend were having sex. When I finished, she whispered in my ear, "30 seconds." FML

I agree, your life sucks 896

You deserved it 1 843

Brain rot

By Anonymous - 26/09/2022 09:30 - Canada

Today, I excitedly started my first university psychology course. Enthusiastic and ready to learn, I listened as my teacher introduced himself. Turns out he's a major transphobe, who is in cahoots with the likes of Jordan Peterson and Ray Blanchard. Only 12 weeks to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 817

You deserved it 923

Sharing is caring

By cpmagnusox - 17/03/2020 08:30

Today, my girlfriend and I are so close that we both describe our poops in detail to each other. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 800

You deserved it 1 317

Grand Old Irony

By Anonymous - 27/03/2020 02:12

Today, I asked my 'friend with benefits' if she'd consider actually dating me regularly. She said yes, but only if I joined the Republican Party, because she "would never date anyone who didn't fight for morality." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 054

You deserved it 902

By Ashamed_Sister - 19/07/2018 20:30 - Austria - Graz

Today, I returned from a job abroad and saw my twin brother for the first time in six months. He greeted me with words of true brotherly love: "You've fattened up a bit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 070

You deserved it 632

Single life

By AnonThoughts - 19/09/2021 17:00

Today, I'm single again, after my now ex attacked my best friend out of jealousy, forcing me to choose between 25 years of friendship and 3 months of a relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 175

You deserved it 132

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The Top

Today, I'm jobless and picked up transcription work online. I typed furiously all day. I have made a grand total of $2.06. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 675

You deserved it 1 380

Today, my 14-year-old daughter told me she's pregnant and plans on dropping out of school to live a life on the road with her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 293

You deserved it 7 597

Today, I took my driving test. I was really nervous, but I thought I did pretty well in the end. That is until I parked the car and looked to the examiner. He was visibly shaken. He said I'd passed, quickly filled in the paperwork and left. On the downside, my car still smells of his shart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 697

You deserved it 3 739

Today, I woke up and the sun was blinding me through my attic window. I have no blinds so I got a poster from my wall and stuck it to the wood on my window with nails. Turns out I have wood rot, and my entire window fell out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 108

You deserved it 4 794

Today, while walking down the aisle of a movie theatre, I passed gas so loudly that the audience missed the climax of the film laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 675

You deserved it 1 733

Today, my girlfriend was thoughtful enough to buy me some "Dude Wipes" because I work on construction sites and most of the time it's use a Porta Potty or hold it. I was late and decided I'd use the work potty. Grabbed my wipes, did my business., went to wipe and… FROZEN SOLID! Hell of a way to start my day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 050

You deserved it 166