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By Anonymous - 17/11/2016 03:39 - Australia - Cardiff

Today, upon applying for a new job to leave my old crappy job I was informed by my new potential employer that he was unable to hire me because he is friends with my current boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 036

You deserved it 730

I don't want to sound ungrateful, but…

By Anonymous - 22/03/2021 02:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, it was my birthday. I'd told my wife i would love a new battery drill, finally getting a decent one after all these years, and picked out a few nice ones. I opened the present: another cheap off-brand drill. They "didn't have any of the ones I picked out", but this one came with free drill bits. All useless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 448

You deserved it 240

By NotJoeyEssex - 26/07/2019 00:01

Today, I was so lonely and bored, I thought about making the most of our current heatwave by giving myself heatstroke, just so I could talk to a doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 133

You deserved it 1 185

Doggy Wants A Bone

By Oh man... - 01/08/2017 00:30 - Australia - Perth

Spicy

Today, I began my ritual of my afternoon wank. As I was about to finish, I noticed my dog staring at me from across the room. We shared a longboard stare as I came, and I can't look him in the eyes the same way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 030

You deserved it 5 079

Leave me alone!

By Anonymous - 10/08/2019 18:00

Today, I posted that I'm having a yard sale and listed a bunch of stuff I'm selling. People started messaging, asking me to send pictures and prices. That's why I'm having the yard sale, so I don't have to post pictures and prices! FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 515

You deserved it 335

Well Well Well

By no good deed... etc - 16/10/2017 04:30

Today, I tried to surprise my mom and wash her car while she was away. Today, I also found out how gross our well water is. The car looks worse than before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 958

You deserved it 414

A teachable moment

By rickshaw rider - 28/05/2021 00:01

Spicy

Today, I caught my son and my wife’s daughter “experimenting” with each other’s privates. They’re not blood related and they are teenagers, so it’s maybe not too bad, but they’ve been raised together since they were roughly about 5 years-old, so it’s still too weird to really understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 540

You deserved it 230

Almost done

By Anonymous - 16/01/2020 05:00

Today, as I was trying to have some “self pleasure” time, my cat, WHO NEVER CUDDLES WITH ME, decides to come up and sit on my thigh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 910

You deserved it 421

Man vs Boy

By Anonymous - 17/02/2018 19:00

Today, it was my first day at a new gym, which cost a fortune. Some skinny teen who had clearly never lifted in his life dropped a weight while I was stretching and broke my ankle. Money down the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 012

You deserved it 312

Such a nice guy

By Anonymous - 14/01/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, the only girl who likes me is a girl who is overweight and uses body acceptance as a reason to get mad at me for turning her down. Call me shallow but as someone who works out frequently, I don't want someone who douses herself with tattoos, thinking guys will fetishize her, instead of self-care. FML

I agree, your life sucks 664

You deserved it 588

Fine dining and ball pits don't mix

By Anonymous - 13/10/2022 16:00

Today, a nasty brat at the restaurant finally tripped up while running around uncontrollably, and hurt himself. I commented to my wife that "karma finally struck." The brat's mom heard me and threw my keys into the kids' ball pit. It’s been over an hour and even the bar staff can’t find my damn keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 217

You deserved it 615

(That's 77° in Freedom Units)

By Anonymous - 19/05/2018 20:30

Today, we're having my grandmother over. Because we don't have a guest room, she is sleeping in mine. It is 25°C at night and she is sleeping naked with her dog right next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 041

You deserved it 372

Demon child

By Anonymous - 17/08/2021 00:01

Today, my daughter threw my stepson down the stairs. When I asked what the hell was going on, she claimed she was just demonstrating her willingness to seriously injure him the next time she catches him in her underwear drawer or in her room at all. I’m not sure which direction to parent in here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 536

You deserved it 195

Anger management

By truecountrybitch - 09/05/2020 23:00

Today, my boyfriend got frustrated trying to take my entertainment center into the basement for the kids' game room. It didn't fit, thanks to the horrible design of the house, so he Spartan-kicked it down, breaking it into 15 pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 596

You deserved it 237

Weird family

By Pinsky - 22/08/2021 00:01

Today, I learned I’m shooting blanks and can’t have children. My wife’s response was that her brother can be our sperm donor. She has no issue with this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 265

You deserved it 112

Looking good

By JillianJuneBug - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, the bad haircut I got recently no longer makes me look like Dora the Explorer. Instead, I now look like He-Man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 241

You deserved it 471

Unfair!

By rune breaker - 23/08/2018 22:05

Today, I got the hiccups during an exam. I wasn't allowed to leave to get a drink of water, so I had to sit there and take my test while hiccuping violently. The teacher ended up sending me to the hall and ripping up my test for "distracting the other students". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 567

You deserved it 238

By llostinreality - 30/09/2018 14:00 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, the blinker on my car was broken so I decided to play it safe and drive a different car to work. I guess it wouldn’t have mattered which car I drove, as the cop nicely told me one of the headlights was out when he pulled me over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 022

You deserved it 411

By katshay8 - 12/10/2018 17:30

Today, I went to the doctor for allergy testing. Apparently, one of my worst allergies is cats. I'm a "crazy cat lady" who loves anything cat-related and has 3 cats. Allergy shots, here I come. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 433

You deserved it 538

By Big Mouth - 13/11/2018 14:00

Today, my class had a debate about religion. My classmate said that Christians couldn't be circumcised because "only Jewish people are". Without thinking, I said it isn't true because I'm Christian and I’m circumcised. I accidentally gave the whole class a mental picture of my dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 306

You deserved it 1 252

By 1DisGR8 - 14/11/2018 13:30

Today, while writing a midterm, my period came unexpectedly. Too bad my male professor was the one to notice and not me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 014

You deserved it 192

By Anonymous - 05/12/2018 13:30

Today, I woke up to the fire department at my house. Why? My brother called 911 thinking there was a fire after turning the heat on for the first time all winter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 459

You deserved it 146

By Anonymous - 24/01/2017 06:31

Today, I dropped a tray of dirty dishes at work. I overheard a server telling a customer that I was inexperienced, so I said, "I'll have that man know this is the first time I've ever dropped something." I turned around satisfied and then dropped the tray again. The guy was in hysterics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 440

You deserved it 2 043

swervelol tells us more.

swervelol 28

Monday 23 January 2017 13:51

Haha oh gosh this was my FML. To clarify yes I am experienced I have worked there for 8 months so far which was a few more months experience than the server in the FML, and I'm practically a veteran there as most of our staff leave in a few months I was in a bit of a rush because we were busy and while it isn't my job to bus tables for the servers I do it to help them out so I was a little peeved that this server would say something like that to a customer when I had been cleaning most of his tables for him. It was pretty funny and I went over to the customer and we had a good laugh about it.

By Rella - 15/12/2018 03:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were in the 69 position with me on top and as we changed positions, and I turned to face him, I saw toilet paper on his face that he didn't seem to notice and that I casually had to wipe off his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 046

You deserved it 1 324

Travelling light

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, I was stuck in a window seat next to the biggest/angriest man I've ever seen. During the trip, I reached down to pick up what I thought was my pillow but instead managed to pull off his huge sock. I couldn't put it back so had to pretend I had no idea why he was glaring at me when he woke up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 194

You deserved it 1 194

By Anonymous - 13/03/2019 18:00 - United States - Salem

Today, I asked a table at a restaurant if there's anything I could get out of their way and they replied, "Yeah, you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 255

You deserved it 248

You're on Garfield time

By baow - 17/03/2019 16:00 - Sweden

Spicy

Today, I met a girl and we ended up having sex at her place. She decided to give me some head underneath the cover, and it really was great until her Garfield-sized cat decided to jump on her head and make her choke on it. Guess who got kicked out in the middle of the night for being too reckless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 209

You deserved it 353

By kk- - 17/06/2019 17:05

Today, after my boyfriend broke up with me and I'd chained-smoked all night, I had a driving test. With only 3 hours of sleep, I literally drove through a red light during the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 753

You deserved it 2 988

Booze confused

By piliseep - 07/06/2017 16:00

Today, I realized that I accidentally said my phone number wrong when I was giving it to a really smart, cute guy with all the same interests as me that I met at a bar last night. I'd had a few drinks and had gotten the middle three digits mixed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 109

You deserved it 1 691

Grow up

By Anonymous - 23/03/2021 00:30

Spicy

Today, my father came to my sister's place and yelled at her, "I knew it, you're such a whore!" because she slept with her new boyfriend. He's her first boyfriend in five years, since my father scared her previous boyfriend because of my father's possessive behavior. My sister is 34. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 032

You deserved it 133

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Today, I took a nap. My boyfriend took this opportunity to go over to his "beautiful" and "amazing" ex-girlfriend's house to help her clean out her pool. I told him I didn't think that was appropriate. He told me I don't value relationships and didn't come home tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 113

You deserved it 2 656

Today, I started playing softball again in a league after not playing for about 5 years. My very first time at the bat I whacked a foul ball into the parking lot and hit my own car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 295

You deserved it 6 701

Today, my roommate turned the thermostat down to 50 degrees. Why? Because she read that shivering burns calories. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 793

You deserved it 2 189

Today, I made exactly 400 flashcards of my vocab that I had to memorize. It took me over 3 hours to make them and hours to remember them. Proud of myself, I showed them to my friends. Then my friends notified me I had memorized the wrong section. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 888

You deserved it 26 100

Today, my mom told me that I would get to leave school halfway through the day. What she didn't tell me was that the reason I was missing school was to get 2 teeth pulled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 739

You deserved it 752

Today, just like any other day, I came home from work to find all my cabinets opened, my couch cushions on the floor, my sink drain filled with items, my shoes scattered all over my apartment, etc. I thought I was adopting a kitten, but it turns out it was actually the Antichrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 453

You deserved it 610