Kids

After careful consideration…

By Newgenmom - 18/12/2020 19:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I told my husband I might want a baby, so he took me to visit his best friend who has a toddler and we stayed for an hour. I no longer want a baby. I want the pill wrapped in 2 condoms and a joint vasectomy/hysterectomy paid for with my non-baby disposable income, and my husband now has a shit eating grin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 1 705

Unionize

By blah! - 13/12/2020 14:01

Today, I found out I'm pregnant, after quitting my job because they asked us to work for free due to COVID. So because I quit, I'm no longer eligible for maternity leave. I didn’t know that I was 4 months pregnant. I could've just gotten a doctor's note for medical reasons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 043

You deserved it 517

Fundies say the darndest things

By Lyle - 13/12/2020 01:07 - United Kingdom

Today, after my father in law upset my 6-year-old son by telling him creating a world in Minecraft is a sin, because only god is allowed to create worlds so all Minecraft players will burn in hell one day, it's been 5 days since he's slept right because he’s scared the Devil will burn him if he falls asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 622

You deserved it 124

Late term

By disappointed - 10/12/2020 20:02 - Canada - Brantford

Today, I had to pick my son up from jail. He was pulled over for having a busted tail light, gave the officer his licence, realized he gave the officer his fake ID and then the dumbass gave the cop his real one. Is it too late for a vasectomy? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 756

You deserved it 496

Christmas Racket

By Dave - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my 5 kids were singing their favorite Christmas carols in the van, each trying to sing louder than the others. It would have probably sounded better if they were all singing the same one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 053

You deserved it 4 656

Jimin causing drama time!

By Callie - 06/12/2020 20:02 - United States

Today, my daughter got mad at me for saying I didn't really get the appeal of Kpop. She went off at me, saying that I should "stan BTS" or something to that effect. She's 28. FML

I agree, your life sucks 861

You deserved it 170

Little shit

By Anonymous - 05/12/2020 20:01 - Malaysia

Today, I went to the graveyard with my little brother to visit my grandfather's grave. While we were there, my brother suddenly asked me, "Can you die now? I hate you." He's 7 year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 021

You deserved it 168

Overbearing parents are the worst

By SoDead - 05/12/2020 04:01 - United States - Center Point

Spicy

Today, my mother, who thinks I'm a virgin, called me while I was having sex with my boyfriend. I have to answer every time she calls or she freaks out. I ended the conversation quickly and hung up. Or so I thought. She listened in to the rest of our 20-minute lovemaking session, and I have some explaining to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 824

You deserved it 1 798

Can't do the time? Don't do the crime!

By Anonymous - 04/12/2020 19:58 - United States - Mountain View

Today, my entire family was diagnosed with COVID. My son's school decided I was well enough to homeschool him on Zoom all day. My head feels like it’s going to explode and all I want to do is sleep. Did I mention my ADHD son has no symptoms? FML

I agree, your life sucks 975

You deserved it 188

Hellworld

By hannahnator - 02/12/2020 07:04 - United States - Racine

Today, it's the first day of our 2-week quarantine. Today, my 3 year-old also discovered Blippi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 740

You deserved it 190

Look mom!

By Anonymous - 29/11/2020 19:59

Spicy

Today, I was having my 9 year-old son help me find the TV remote. We were searching my bedroom when all the sudden my son says, “Look, mom it’s right here!” I turn around to see him pointing to where the remote was with my vibrator like a teacher pointing at a blackboard with a pointer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 518

You deserved it 1 001

Happy Thanksgiving!

By Anonymous - 26/11/2020 14:08 - United States - Sacramento

Today, my daughter repeated what she had heard her grandma say when asked to say grace. It happened to be, "Dear God, why the fuck did we invite all these assholes to Thanksgiving?" I don't want to attend any more family gatherings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 046

You deserved it 158

Child's play

By Misbah Akhtar - 21/11/2020 12:59 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, my 6 year-old brought me a card. On it was a turd belonging to my 4 year-old son. She got excited and grossed out, and threw it on the rug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 704

You deserved it 383

Conspiracies claim another victim

By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 11:02

Today, after learning that "phones are tracking you" and that "Google is spying on you" from some shady website, my son destroyed all our phones and computers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 987

You deserved it 226

Booze 'em young

By ChiefKoala - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Harriman

Today, whilst in church, my brother's Sunday school teacher asked him what he loved to drink, to which he replied, "Beer." We have no idea why he said that, and the church is still talking to my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 178

You deserved it 1 785

ChiefKoala tells us more.

ChiefKoala 30

Monday 18 January 2016 8:56

So actually, this is my FML, but i didn't know if it would let me do a follow up since I have a different user name. So now to tell the whole story. My brother was very young and my family isn't big on alcohol; the most they drink is during the holidays when they're with family. Anyway, The church basically exiled us because they thought we were all raging alcoholics. I just heard mom telling the story and thought i would post it. it goes to show that kids really will say the darnest things haha. He's 13 now and I'm 21, so now he knows what beer actually is, and definitely doesn't say that's his favorite drink.

Don't blame me

By anonymous - 15/11/2020 05:02 - United States

Today, I got suspended from school for smoking in the stairs. I'm grounded for a month without my phone, TV or any type of social connection. All of this would seem like a fair enough punishment if I actually smoked, but instead I just smell like my parent's second-hand smoke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 808

You deserved it 164

Family man

By Anonymous - 07/11/2020 20:02 - Canada - Minden

Today, my fiancé told me that his work is more important than our family. We have 2 kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 022

You deserved it 192

Drugs

By madela - 28/10/2020 07:56

Today, my daughter admitted that she sometimes forgets her own name upon waking. She’s 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 937

You deserved it 151

Classic Dave

By not the mama - 24/10/2020 02:01 - United States - Hesperia

Today, after years of trying, I got the wonderful news that my husband is going to be a father. Too bad I’m not the mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 699

You deserved it 115

Kick the bum out, part 2

By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 17:01 - United States

Today, my fiancé thinks that the only reason I innocently asked him how soon he wants to have kids after we get married is that he thinks I'm racing to beat a friend or family member. Now I can't even be excited about starting a family with this man without having ulterior motives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 957

You deserved it 259

Deadbeat

By stepdaddydoesitbetteranyway - 13/10/2020 20:05

Today, I found out that my ex is expecting another kid. Not only is this a man who tried to hook up with me last month, he's also the one who, when I asked him to pay child support for our two, told me that he could just "make some more". Guess he was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 289

You deserved it 207

One law for thee, another for me

By thanks a lot asshole - 26/09/2020 17:02 - United States

Today, I went to visit my father. His new wife has hoarded out our childhood home nearly to the point of it being unliveable. That’s pretty funny, considering my dad used to literally beat us if our rooms weren’t clean or we left dishes in the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 403

You deserved it 353

A teenage dream's so hard to beat…

By parenting fail - 20/09/2020 11:01 - United States

Today, my stepdaughter proudly showed off her new tattoo. It says "Jace’s place" in sloppy script on her lower belly. She’s 15. Jace is a boy she’s been seeing for 3 months. She got the tattoo in "some guy’s garage." It happened during her weekend visit with her father. Hello teenage rebellion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 906

You deserved it 193

Bittie

By Anonymous - 18/09/2020 14:02 - Hungary - Sopron

Today, it was my brother's wedding so my mother-in-law was taking care of my 8-month-old son. When I came back to our room to check how things were going, I saw her "breastfeeding" my child. She said it was the only way to calm him down because he didn't have a pacifier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 836

You deserved it 219

Now Playing

By Thescarlettfox - 17/09/2020 16:58

Today, my eleven-year-old cousin, who lives with me, has discovered Old Town Road. He’s been playing it for four hours on repeat and I’m ready to scream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 077

You deserved it 131

Best gift ever

By Anonymous - 16/09/2020 22:01 - Australia - Traralgon

Today, my toddler handed me a present and told me to keep it forever. It was a piece of dog poo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 121

You deserved it 220

Baby brain

By Mike - 16/09/2020 09:02 - Bulgaria - Sofia

Today, we had two-year wedding anniversary. A few months ago, I insisted on going to a therapist because my wife can only think and talk about our one-year kid. My present for her was a Spa day, flowers and chocolate. Her gift to me was a Lego set to build for our kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 016

You deserved it 432

Game of Thrones 2: Pig in the City

By GOT not for me - 15/09/2020 14:01 - United States

Today, I found out my ex lets our kids watch Game of Thrones during his weekend visits. Our kids are 8 and 6. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 334

You deserved it 202

Time to run

By wastedtime - 13/09/2020 10:57 - United States

Today, things were going great with my girlfriend of six months. She knew I had kids and it seemed to be getting serious, so I decided to introduce her to them. After dinner, I walked her to her car and she said, "That’s real nice but what are you going to do with them once you and I have kids?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 611

You deserved it 228

Policy schmolicy

By p!nk - 12/09/2020 11:01 - United States

Today, I let my daughter dye her hair pink. I got an email from her school stating that the hair color violated the school dress code as it's “distracting,” and she will not be allowed to attend classes until she changes it. We do school over Zoom. Not sure how her hair distracts on a screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 279

You deserved it 335

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FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

The Top

Today, I thought I would take my family to the beach for the day. My wife is sitting on the front porch, not talking to me, because after working a 60-hour week, I would rather enjoy my family and the fruits of my labor, rather than help her clean the house that she has spent all week at, doing nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 081

You deserved it 223

Crushed it! (The bag of groceries, of course.)

I agree, your life sucks 285

You deserved it 230

Today, I was meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time. She warned me they were a little weird. Right when we walked in the door, her parents were there to greet us...in the nude. Apparently this constitutes as a LITTLE weird. They both hugged me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 192

You deserved it 355

Today, I finally got an interview at a restaurant after looking for a job for three months. I dressed nice, and the interview was going well until this blonde girl in booty shorts and fishnets walked in. The manager hired her on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 036

You deserved it 2 427

Today, at the end of my shift with a long line of customers, the older woman I was checking out calmly said, "You should take a minute to fix your hair dear, we have all been talking about it while we waited." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 226

You deserved it 3 780

Today, my grandfather asked me why the broccoli I served for dinner was white. I told him it was cauliflower. He would't believe me, accused me of being a Russian spy, and stormed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 994

You deserved it 3 251