Today, my mother-in-law invited herself to my house to cook lunch. I'm postpartum, depressed, and nursing a two-week old. She fed me four small shrimp and a handful of macaroni. This is what I'll be eating for a month. FML
Today, my phone kept beeping, so I put it on silent and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I found the guy I went on a date with last night had sent dozens of messages. The first was "Good morning! :)" and the last was "Answer me u fuckin cunt!!!!" I think I'm staying single. FML
Today, I once again tried to purchase a membership for a hiking adventure club. I ended up purchasing the same annual membership for the third time. They have already helped me recover my funds once. These people are never going to want to go hiking with me. FML
Today, my friend and I flew home from India ten days early. I got cholera and she got groped twice and followed back to our accommodations by a gang of men. So much for our exotic overseas trip… FML
Today, my daughter learned a new phrase: “Sleep Paralysis Demon.” It was exactly as bad as you’re imagining, she sobbed for almost 15 minutes, and that's a very long time when the tears and screaming are constant and without a pause. The neighbours knocked on the door because they were worried. FML
Today, I printed out a picture of the popular girl in school as a sort of 'model' for how I wanted my hair cut. The hairdresser taped the picture to the mirror so he could see. Halfway through, my 'model' came in for an appointment. FML
Today, as we were discussing our plans for 2026, I suggested we go vegan as it's healthier and better for the planet. My husband said, "Ask me to go vegan again and I'll have divorce papers for you the next day." Why? Why are men so adamantly opposed to veganism? FML
Today, of all the things I have to be self-conscious about (my looks, my weight, my mental health…), I now have to be self-conscious of my breathing, because my brother says it’s “painful to listen to.” FML
Today, my "president" invaded another country and stole their president to face bullshit "charges." I'm so disgusted to be from this place. I want to move somewhere else but I'm disabled. FML
Today, my drunk boyfriend decided to try to serenade me by throwing rocks at my window and singing a song about how much he loves me. This would have been extremely sweet if he would have gotten my window instead of my dad's. FML
Today, I have been single for four years. During this time, I have hit it off with a dozen women. Ten of them turned out to be very religious or in cults, which is a deal breaker to me. Of the remaining two, one became a dear friend before blocking me when she met her now boyfriend, and the last one is asexual. FML
Today, I got terminated. I don’t know how to tell my family that I no longer have a job. FML
Today, my girlfriend's kid was acting silly and cutting up in a busy parking lot. I saw a car coming towards him and yanked him to my side. He started crying and my girlfriend screamed at me for "being mean" to him. I should have let the brat get hit, I guess. If this is the stepdad life, fuck it, I'm out. FML
Today, our desks were rearranged. I was seated next to a coworker who spends the entire day on the phone, chatting loudly with his relatives in another country while he works. I complained that it was distracting. Management won't do anything about it and warned me that "my complaints reek of racism." FML
Today, I got into an accident. As I was talking to a police officer about what happened, the tow truck driver managed to take my car and drive away, leaving me with no phone or wallet. I just spent an hour walking home in a hail storm. FML
Today, I was looking over reservations for an upcoming work trip, and saw that my work would cover the "romance package" at a nice hotel. I laughed. My coworkers laughed. When I told my wife, not only did she not laugh, she burst into tears and screamed, "I knew you were cheating!" FML
Today, my husband bought a new pillow made of "organic cotton and wool." It cost almost two hundred dollars. He could have bought a dozen regular pillows for that kind of money, "but they're not natural fibers, they're full of unhealthy chemicals." I'm so sick of his woo-woo bullshit. IT'S A FUCKING PILLOW. FML
Today, I confidently corrected someone in a group conversation. I was wrong. Very wrong. Everyone stared while Google proved me incorrect in seconds. I nodded and pretended I meant something else. FML
Today, I ran into my manipulative ex-boyfriend at a party. We were chatting and I mentioned that the guys I have been seeing lately all turn out to be jerks. He said, "Yeah well, you dumped me and don't deserve to be happy." Apparently he has been creeping and scaring off any guys interested in me. FML
Today, I went on a first date and laughed so hard at a joke that I snorted. I tried to play it cool, laughed harder, snorted again, and then knocked over my drink. The waiter brought napkins and said, “Happens all the time.” To me, yes, it does. FML
Today, I spent ten minutes annoyingly arguing with a customer service chatbot, demanding to speak to a real human. When a real human finally joined, they opened with, “So... I see you’ve been yelling at my robot.” FML
Today, I had my first job interview in years. While I was waiting for the manager to come out I realized I had forgotten the resume that I had printed out the night before, since he specifically asked me to bring one. FML
Today, I tried to discreetly check my reflection using my phone screen during a meeting. Instead, I opened my front camera and took a selfie with the flash on. Everyone looked. I smiled like it was intentional. It was not. FML
Today, after I donated $250 to an influencer promising "insider truth" streams, he vanished overnight, channel gone, comments disabled. I called friends for a loan but they're dealing with their own bills. I skipped lunch for two days and now my car payment is overdue. FML
Today, I told my wife I was getting nervous about the surge in silver prices, and I wanted to sell some of our holdings. She told me not to be a "paper-handsing little bitch." FML
Today, my wife suddenly texted me to meet her halfway between our house and the supermarket. I immediately put my shoes on and started walking, eager to get to her as fast as I could to surprise her. Turns out she was carrying three heavy bags and yelled at me for being slow and by foot. FML
Today, my upstairs neighbor's pipe burst because they forgot to close their porch door and, well, Wisconsin winter. My apartment is flooded and I'm spending my little money on a hotel. I think I'm homeless. FML
Today, two days after losing my temper with my smart mouthed 7 year-old son and slapping him across the face, I tried to apologize by buying him a treat and telling him if anyone found out, I would get in trouble. Today, I got a call from social services about the "bruise" on his face. FML
Today, I am so paranoid from being bullied at work, I need time off. But because of the bullying, I am too paranoid to take leave. I can't win. FML
Today, I have to send to court for non-payment of rent the lady whose lease was apparently written by a four-year-old, or so the last judge who dismissed the last non-payment case for the same lady said. Said lady owes more than three months of rent. FML
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