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By Rich - 25/02/2009 02:20 - United States

Today, my parents gave me a shirt from Banana Republic for my birthday. It looked like one I had bought for myself a couple of days earlier but I thanked them and went to hang it in my closet. An empty hanger hung where I placed the shirt I had purchased. They gave me my shirt for my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 117 171

You deserved it 5 585

By vagina dentata for christmas, pls - 25/01/2013 18:51 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my new boyfriend, and he took me back to his house for the first time. Taped to his bedroom door was a sheet of paper emblazoned with the words: "THE RAPE DUNGEON". I feel safer already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 793

You deserved it 5 054

By JukeboxValkyrie - 16/02/2012 07:52 - United States

Today, I discovered how startling it is to wake up by having your cat springboard off your face. The intended prey? Two fornicating geckos on the ceiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 540

You deserved it 2 658

JukeboxValkyrie tells us more.

JukeboxValkyrie 19

Friday 17 February 2012 4:46

To everyone who keeps asking "How did they get on your ceiling?" and "Why are they in your house?" Geckos are native to Florida, they can crawl through the tiniest places and the tips of the digits on their limbs are like mini suction cups, giving them the ability to climb most vertical surfaces as well as being upside down. My ceiling is also popcorn style so there was plenty to hold onto. And yes, I'm almost certain one had a foreign accent...though I'm not sure which.

Why are you like this?

By Bea - 11/07/2021 17:59 - Brazil - Sao Paulo

Today, thinking it would be funny I tried tricking my boyfriend into thinking my grandparents were cousins, and that I was the product of incest. This would have been a great prank, if he hadn't have said, "You know what? That actually makes sense. It all makes sense now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 277

You deserved it 1 558

Bad timing

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got fired because I abruptly hung up on my boss while being pulled over for talking in a hands free zone. I also got a $300 fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 993

You deserved it 2 414

By normal - 21/01/2013 20:24 - France - Ambres

Today, it's been two days since my upstairs neighbour's toilet started flooding both our apartments. I have to go to the bathroom with an umbrella. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 785

You deserved it 2 705

By mel - 18/01/2013 23:18 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went to a family dinner. My grandma wasted no time calling me a slut for not wearing a dress, my dad called my police officer boyfriend a "fucking pig", and then he told my mother to "put a cock in it" when she defended me. No wonder I hardly ever visit these people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 081

You deserved it 3 146

By Anonymous - 14/04/2011 05:49 - United States

Today, I held a door open for my boyfriend and jokingly said, "Chivalry is dead?" He responded with, "Who's chivalry?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 272

You deserved it 7 874

Check these out

By notenough - 29/08/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, I was on the webcam with my boyfriend. I could see that he was on the couch, and alone, so I took off my shirt and smiled, waiting to see his reaction. He smiled at me but then kept looking in another direction. I playfully asked "What's so distracting?" His answer: "History Channel". FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 475

You deserved it 10 111

There's insane and then there's this guy

By Anonymous - 30/03/2020 08:00

Today, my idiot boss, who says he used to be an EMT, thinks that all safety precautions in the company COVID-19 response memo and everything we’ve heard from the WHO and CDC is bull and removed the gloves from everyone’s truck. We’re a plumbing and drain company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 219

You deserved it 121

Do what you gotta do

By Anonymous - 27/03/2020 23:00

Today, my university's dorms closed due to COVID-19 and when I asked my parents if I could stay with them, they said no because, "we're social distancing." They weren't joking, I have nobody else to stay with. I'm now legitimately living in a tent under a bridge until this pandemic ends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 715

You deserved it 173

Realistic

By IBleedArbor - 16/02/2009 22:59 - United States

Today, my dad told me to take my stress out by getting a girlfriend. My mom laughed and said, "No that won't work, just go jack off in the shower again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 337

You deserved it 5 041

By Heatherrolstonn - 29/05/2016 20:13 - United States - Suwanee

Today, I received an email asking for a Skype interview at 11 am sharp. I waited for half an hour. He never even accepted my contact request. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 891

You deserved it 944

WTF Mom?

By Random - 31/01/2012 14:41 - United States

Today, I found out my little sister is marrying my ex, and that my mother set them up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 865

You deserved it 3 306

Language barrier

By Jan - 02/08/2021 13:01

Today, my mother who learned English as an adult sent an email to my boss, thanking them for hiring me even though I'm "retarded." I’m a law school graduate who was diagnosed with a minor learning disability in kindergarten, but she still calls me "retarded" when speaking English. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 142

You deserved it 118

By shelby - 30/03/2011 04:54 - United States

Today, I realized I don't know which is sadder: the fact I have detailed conversations with myself in my car, or that I bought a Bluetooth earpiece so that I can do it in public without people thinking I'm a complete lunatic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 511

You deserved it 27 373

Pushy

By Anonymous - 05/08/2021 22:02

Today, I went on a date with my crush and I was so desperate to impress him, I talked him into a blowjob, after he turned down full sex since it was only a first date. He asked me to stop halfway through, because apparently I have bad technique, and hurt him with my teeth. He left. I’m such an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 414

You deserved it 1 997

Dad prank #9866

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Sweden

Today, I had to basically ground my own husband, after he tricked our 6-year-old son into getting his tongue stuck to a frozen pole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 099

You deserved it 5 027

By Anonymous - 20/08/2009 13:23 - Australia

Today, I needed new business cards so I went to design and print some. After I designed, I was happy with them and printed off 100 copies. I live at a place called Canal Rocks. I forgot the 'C'. I now have 76 business cards which say 'anal rocks.' I already distributed 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 435

You deserved it 48 073

By geewhy - 26/12/2012 21:20 - United States - South Park

Today, my boyfriend discovered that if he flicks my clitoris just right, my legs both twitch spastically regardless of arousal level. He thinks it's hilarious and can no longer take sex seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 746

You deserved it 5 451

By lk26 - 08/02/2009 05:32 - United States

Today, I went to my car to discover a note on the windshield from the city telling me that they had hit my car. On top of that note was a parking ticket, also from the city. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 618

You deserved it 2 944

My girl

By Steve - 16/08/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, I woke up with my girl laying next to me in bed. When she woke up we started to get hot and heavy but all of a sudden our cat hops on the bed. I guess the cat was more important cause my girl got up started playing it instead of me. Cockblocked by another pussy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 955

You deserved it 8 809

By Man vs. Spider - 28/02/2010 17:05 - United States

Today, my house was the only house left that still had its Christmas lights up, so I decided to take them down. Almost done, my fingers brushed over a spiderweb. Startled, I jumped off the ladder and broke my shoulder. Oh, and the spider still managed to stay on my hand, giving me a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 728

You deserved it 8 414

By anonymous - 15/01/2012 05:58 - United States

Today, my crush grabbed my butt while I was walking up the stairs. In surprise I farted. He won't even look me in the eyes now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 596

You deserved it 7 684

By volleyballgirl - 28/02/2010 01:11 - United States

Today, at my volleyball tournament I was extremely pumped to start playing so I went to take my sweats off and everybody began to stare at me then I looked down to come to realize I had no spandex on, just a thong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 969

You deserved it 32 741

By Sherressa - 02/12/2013 20:04 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I saw my friend's car in front of school. I'd had a bad day and just wanted to talk with her. I got in and sat down, and felt something squish beneath me. Turns out it wasn't actually my friend's car, and I'd just sat on a random woman's cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 632

You deserved it 28 097

Noise machine

By achtung - 01/02/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, I had to use my friend's toilet. His pretty cute sister was in the kitchen adjoining the bathroom, so I smiled and said hi on my way through. I then had the loudest and most vile-sounding shit of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 161

You deserved it 5 844

TMI

By Anonymous - 21/05/2020 05:00

Today, I was trying to teach my Aunt and Gran to use Google drive to share and upload pictures, when I scrolled past an image of my… yep. I didn't have a mirror when the pic was taken and I was concerned about a sore. Now they just think I'm a whore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 373

You deserved it 578

Mind the handbrake!

By Anonymous - 07/09/2021 11:01

Today, I've been loyal to my wife for almost 25 years then I randomly bumped into my high school sweetheart, sparks flew like when we were teenagers, and less than an hour later we were having sex in her car. I feel like such scum. What the hell is wrong with me? FML

I agree, your life sucks 557

You deserved it 8 713

By panda - 03/03/2011 11:20

Today, the dog went nuts at 3am. I searched the yard with a spotlight and machete. Nothing. He may actually just be an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 272

You deserved it 6 292

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The Top

Today, I received a package. When my mom asked what I had bought, I had told her that I had ordered dumbbells and was going to start lifting. She laughed her way into the kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 517

You deserved it 3 639

Today, I went to the dentist after not being there for 3 years. I was told that I had loads of cavities and that I would need to pay $3,000 for a serious mouth surgery. The reason I hadn't been to the dentist in 3 years: I've been married to a dentist for 3 years that said my teeth were "perfect." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 381

You deserved it 6 142

Today, my new boyfriend is such a city boy he couldn’t handle one night of pretend camping in the garden. Apparently, it was too cold, he ran out of Diet Coke, and just generally got bored, so he went back inside to watch TV in bed, but sure, he wants to hike in the mountains with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 041

You deserved it 212

Today, I went to the dentist for a routine cleaning. As the dentist was working on my teeth, he accidentally sprayed water all over my face. I couldn't stop laughing nervously, which made the dentist think I was choking. He ended up calling for backup and I had to explain that I was just laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 727

You deserved it 154

Today, I set aside a weekend to spend time with a friend. I learned that someone else is staying there: a fat, unemployed man-child who talks shit about us on Facebook, while his manipulative wife pays his bills. He got evicted from his last home when he pretended to be a ninja and cut up his neighbor's garden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 398

You deserved it 94

Today, I wanted to actively post and vlog my travels, so I started with my trip to an "Animal island" nearby. My first words on the vlog were, "Animal island is an island near the city which has animals." My husband literally rolf-ed hearing that. Why can't I speak normally!? FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 481