Random Spicy

People have lists?!

By Anonymous - 22/09/2020 07:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I found my girlfriend's list of people she's slept with on her Google docs. There was 11 names after mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 955

You deserved it 228

Curious

By Ghostrui - 15/05/2022 04:00

Today, my dad thought it appropriate to ask if my boyfriend, who was in the other room, was circumcised. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 084

You deserved it 177

Ouchie

By Anonymous - 10/07/2011 04:18 - United States

Today, after finally sleeping with a girl for the first time in I don't know how long, at some point during sex she managed to completely crush my balls. I acted cool until she left, then I had to wake my parents up at 3 a.m. to take me to the hospital where I was diagnosed testicular bruising. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 935

You deserved it 8 232

Tonight, on The Pitt…

By Ughhhhhhhhhhhh - 09/02/2026 15:00

Today, I had a seizure and went to the hospital. Turns out, when you put in a tampon, forget, then get horny, your dildo can push the tampon all the way up to your cervix, where it will fester until you become septic. I'm now on antibiotics and horribly ill, but at least I know why I've been so tired recently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110

You deserved it 293

Balls

By Anonymous - 04/10/2021 17:00

Today, at 17 years-old my doctor told me my balls are riddled with multiple small cancerous tumours. They are now useless for sperm production and will have to be removed anyway to cure the cancer, but not to worry, for aesthetic reasons they can replace them with silicone balls instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 241

You deserved it 132

By Jon - 23/05/2011 18:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time only to realise she squeals like a baby pig in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 440

You deserved it 9 445

Signposting

By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 05:40 - United States - Latonia

Today, I walked in on my 13-year-old sister cutting her pubic hair with scissors. After a long talk about what on earth she was doing, she confessed to doing it so her boyfriend could find her clitoris. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 692

You deserved it 2 503

By Anonymous - 24/01/2015 07:57 - United States - Houston

Today, at dinner, my downstairs neighbors described how they can hear most of my movements, including the buzz of my phone when I text late at night. I think all of us knew that it's not my phone that's vibrating at that time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 550

You deserved it 5 988

Not now, mother!

By Anonymous - 19/06/2022 04:00 - United States - Sayville

Today, after nearly two months of no sex, I got cockblocked by an unexpected visit by my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 097

You deserved it 212

By Anonymous - 26/04/2012 12:08 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I walked into a public restroom to find that they had set up a free health clinic for the homeless; by that I mean that I found one bum inspecting and cleaning the infected, bloody genitals of another bum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 947

You deserved it 2 963

By Oh God - 24/05/2018 06:00

Today, I met my new boyfriend’s family for the first time. Unfortunately for me, his dad walked in to ask what we wanted for dinner while we were having sex. Even worse was that my boyfriend kept going while his dad was there, and his dad later said he was glad I was “the woman”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 174

You deserved it 1 467

By Anonn - 23/02/2009 13:14 - Australia

Today, I accidentally walked in on my girlfriend masturbating so I said to her, "Need a hand with that?" to which she replied "I'm doing fine here on my own, don't ruin it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 93 200

You deserved it 23 507

By Laura_2118 - 12/12/2009 07:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me my first compliment in months. Apparently my body spray makes me smell like a stripper. He then asked me if he could "park the beef bus in tuna town". FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 015

You deserved it 4 337

Welcome home

By SendHelpAndBleach - 15/06/2018 05:00

Today, I decided to surprise my parents who I haven’t seen in a while. They weren’t home, but I still have a key so I let myself in. When I went to my old room to put down my bags, I was greeted by a sex swing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 708

You deserved it 1 604

Get it on

By xomelodygervais - 08/11/2013 14:00 - Canada - Timmins

Today, my husband's version of roleplaying was pretending that he actually wanted to have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 029

You deserved it 6 197

Sweet summer child

By Anonymous - 06/06/2022 05:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend has so many hang ups about being good at sex that when we actually had sex for the first time this morning, he got upset that I was touching my clit while he was inside me. Apparently it was a sign I think he’s bad at it, and had to do it myself. Neither of us orgasmed today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 110

You deserved it 287

Mood ruiner

By Sirah90 - 07/05/2013 07:29 - United States

Today, my nose started running while in bed with my boyfriend. I kept trying to wipe it off with my arm to avoid ruining the moment. My boyfriend then looks up at me in horror. Turns out it wasn't mucus; it was blood. And it was all over his neck, his shirt, and his silk sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 278

You deserved it 13 497

By NO NO NO - 05/08/2013 21:42 - Netherlands - Den Haag

Today, I came home a little earlier than usual, only to walk in on my dad frantically trying to remove a ballgag from my mom's mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 566

You deserved it 5 360

By SadMother - 04/10/2014 19:52 - United States - South Windsor

Today, I overheard my daughter talking to her boyfriend over the phone about having sex. She said, "You have to piss on me to get me pregnant, that's what I heard anyway." She's 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 931

You deserved it 11 974

By Emma-Louise - 20/05/2011 19:46 - France

Today, the only positive thing my ex boyfriend left me was my pregnancy test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 437

You deserved it 14 375

When nature calls

By ClaraB - 11/10/2021 23:01

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend in a bathroom stall. Someone’s little brat had to come in and peek under the stall. She yelled, "Mommy there are two naked people in here!" Her mother bitched us out for, “ruining her daughter’s innocence." The cops were called. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 487

You deserved it 6 127

By Anonymous - 12/08/2015 02:23 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, I pushed all the way in. She said, "Stop teasing me, put everything in." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 344

You deserved it 4 534

By bobjope - 28/02/2015 04:14

Today, my mother confused the terms 'necromancy' and 'necrophilia'. We had a great talk about why you shouldn't have sex with dead people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 261

You deserved it 2 753

Mean girls

By oc_cheergirl - 06/04/2011 02:32 - United States

Today, I wore my cheerleading uniform to my boyfriend's house. He was a nerd in high school and mentioned a fantasy about hooking up with a cheerleader. I started acting sassy and a little mean, figuring he would enjoy a more realistic experience. Apparently not, because he started to cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 846

You deserved it 51 917

By Liz - 26/03/2016 19:26 - United States - Torrance

Today, my boss/husband fired me from my job because I didn't sleep with him last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 369

You deserved it 3 636

By notacreep - 06/07/2015 17:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while lifeguarding over children at work, I started thinking about my girlfriend and got a hard on. Before I realized it, I saved a kid and then hopped out of the pool next to a 5 year old in front of my managers and a little over 50 patrons with a raging boner. My HR meeting is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 579

You deserved it 8 272

Right place, wrong time

By Anonymous - 22/01/2009 16:09 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the couch, computer next to me, lotion on the floor, and my dick in my hand when my roommate walked in on me. Scared and looking me right in the face he says, "What's for dinner?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 216

You deserved it 29 875

By scared for life - 29/01/2012 16:23 - United States

Today, I got to listen while my grandma, who has dementia and therefore a poor memory, explained to me why the old man on TV was a sex god. She forgot everything once she said it. I got to listen to her explanation five times over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 160

You deserved it 2 556

What's Charlie Sheen up to these days?

By Anonymous - 16/06/2025 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my brother, a real Alan Harper-type of snivelling parasite, has been sleeping on my sofa for over a week since his girlfriend threw him out. If I kick him out, the guilt will eat me alive, but now my wife has informed me I’m never getting sex again until he’s gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 273

You deserved it 208

By Anonymous - 29/06/2014 16:18 - United States - Surprise

Today, less than a week after ranting to my husband about how sick some people are to sexualize characters from kids' TV shows, I looked through his browser history and found out he's very much into Powerpuff Girls porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 058

You deserved it 9 166

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I have come to accept that my girlfriend has such obvious daddy issues that I can only turn her on by dressing/acting/sounding like him, but not too obviously because if she realises that’s what I’m doing, she screams, “I do not want to have sex with my dad!” then starts crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 670

You deserved it 190

Today, I introduced the girl I was talking to my best friend, and we all hung out. Until this day, her and I were doing great. After my friend left, she started gushing about how hot he is. He wasn't hitting on her at all. I reminded her that, and that he has a girlfriend. She was calm, but visibly upset. FML

I agree, your life sucks 476

You deserved it 103

Today, my family decided to break tradition and wake up at midnight to open presents. I didn't find out until I went downstairs to get a glass of water in the middle of the night, and found wrapping paper and empty boxes everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 244

You deserved it 1 706

Today, I had an excellent conversation with this guy I met on a gay dating site. We really hit it off well and had a lot in common. We got to the point where he asked me for my picture. I showed it to him and he stopped responding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 569

You deserved it 15 896

Today, my girlfriend works for a company that cleans VRBOs, so while she went to see family for a week, I asked her coworkers to come clean while she was gone, even the owner of the company showed up, They deep-cleaned house, but when she got home I got yelled at for a dirty coffee mug on my desk. The coffee was still warm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 108

You deserved it 122

Today, I finally got my hands on the new iPhone 5, after I pulled it out of a patient's rectum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 741

You deserved it 2 960