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By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 23:21 - United States

Today, I rented a copy How To Train Your Dragon for my young son to watch. I put the DVD in, hit play without paying attention, and went off to make lunch. A few minutes later, my son ran into the kitchen screaming. Apparently, there was a mix up at the rental store and I got a copy of Saw IV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 533

You deserved it 11 874

By Lauren - 20/08/2012 03:53 - United States - New Market

Today, I had to bail on yet another date with an awesome guy. Every time I make a date, my hateful mother slips laxatives into my food so I'm glued to the shitter until 2am. This is the fourth time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 722

You deserved it 4 185

By Anonymous - 09/05/2009 20:38 - United States

Today, I texted everyone in my phone to remind them mother's day is tomorrow. Everyone including the boy whose mom died last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 966

You deserved it 81 673

Why so serious?

By DwarfFrog - 18/06/2012 11:38 - United States

Today, my grandmother threatened to kill herself with a banana. She then got angry with me when I didn't attempt to get the banana away from her. My mom punished me because I didn't take the situation seriously enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 468

You deserved it 3 400

By a tad whipped - 28/04/2013 20:44 - Australia

Today, I summoned the courage to call my abusive mother-in-law about her non-payment of the money I stupidly lent her last year. She replied, "Why don't you go deepthroat a cactus, then we'll talk about it, cunt." and then hung up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 249

You deserved it 7 255

By muffintop - 11/07/2011 02:34 - Canada

Today, I was standing at airport security. One of the bag inspectors asked me to remove my travel pouch, pointing to the lump under my shirt. I didn't know how to tell him that it was just one of my fat rolls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 205

You deserved it 13 582

By CanWeAllGetOne - 13/11/2013 06:40 - United States - Houston

Today, I realized how amazing I've become at faking orgasms: I made up everything from the noises of my juices to pure, blissful climax over the phone to my husband. He came; I finished putting laundry away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 938

You deserved it 14 097

By Rita - 10/12/2008 04:58 - France

Today, on the bus, a young high school boy sat down next to me and started to chat me up. I thought it was cute until he asked me which high school I was attending. I'm 27, I'm married, I have a child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 415

You deserved it 6 337

The pleasure, the pain

By BadBribe - 24/06/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to bribe me to be good since we were going out to dinner with her parents by giving me a blowjob. The good news: it was one of the best she had ever given. The bad news: I came on her black dress. She responded by hitting in me in the nuts. Hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 240

You deserved it 30 266

By nicole - 22/09/2011 10:31 - Reserved

Today, my boyfriend confessed that after every fight we have, he dips my toothbrush in the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 431

You deserved it 5 435

By mike h - 10/08/2012 04:37 - United States - Mcadoo

Today, I started my dream job of being a veterinarian. My first day consisted of having to put down 12 dogs and 5 cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 492

You deserved it 4 859

By Joanne - 24/02/2012 13:26 - Australia

Today, my mother-in-law thought it would be appropriate to give my five-year-old daughter some bedclothes with the Playboy logo all over them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 283

You deserved it 3 443

By hahahehehohohoo - 07/02/2009 03:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend handcuffed me to the bed, naked. Someone pulled the fire alarm, and my boyfriend couldn't find the key. So he left me, and the Resident Advisor found me. The fireman had to cut the chain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 324 674

You deserved it 58 715

By disneyworld - 14/02/2010 05:49 - United States

Today, my dad told me he's taking the whole family to Disney World, even my step-brother's girlfriend. But not me, because he can't "afford" it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 004

You deserved it 2 458

Clout chasing

By Samantha - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Singapore

Today, I turned 22. Instead of cutting my own cake, I stood by and smiled at a friend's belated birthday party. Her birthday was actually two months ago, but she decided to have her party on my birthday. No one remembered mine but everyone got her beautiful gifts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 495

You deserved it 5 202

Weird

By meet Chloe - 19/02/2012 09:15 - Australia

Today, I felt sorry for the weird chick at work that everybody avoids and decided to initiate a conversation with her. She interrupted me mid-sentence to tell me about her vaginal odor problems, before shoving her hand into my chip packet and inviting herself to dinner at my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 054

You deserved it 8 576

By JiggaJayZ - 29/10/2012 18:10 - United States

Today, I jokingly asked my girlfriend what she got me for my half birthday, to which she replied "A baby." She was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 686

You deserved it 29 216

JiggaJayZ tells us more.

JiggaJayZ 16

Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:06

Nope she's prego. Broken condom. And we even took a morning after and that didn't work so yeah FML

By ClaireBear150 - 20/09/2012 03:09 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying on one of my little black dresses and heels. He wanted to "see what the fuss was about." I would have been angry if the sight of him dressed like this hadn't turned me on more than he ever has in the 3 years we've been dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 889

You deserved it 6 183

By Anonymous - 13/09/2012 06:43 - United States - Woodinville

Today, my wife knows tattoos are a huge turnoff for me. She decided the best way to change my mind about them would be to get one. Across her neck. Of our dog's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 716

You deserved it 3 721

Cheers, asshat

By gross - 15/07/2011 01:09 - Canada

Today, I was playing my guitar outside my apartment building, and some people had put some money in my guitar case. One guy threw in what I thought was a crumpled piece of paper or something. It was actually a used condom. It leaked all over the money and my case. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 401

You deserved it 5 047

Misunderstanding of the night

By milkybear - 15/06/2010 07:11 - United States

Today, I went to a party where I met an amazing guy. After having great conversation all night and what I thought was a serious connection, I leaned in to kiss him. He screamed, forcefully pushed my face away with his hand, and said he was gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 908

You deserved it 15 909

By fmlpanda - 29/05/2010 04:14 - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. It was going well until our braces got caught. Out of pain, I tried to pull away, which made my eyes water. Then I sneezed in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 889

You deserved it 8 382

By journey_Jeanne - 08/12/2011 02:31 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was ovulating. He said he didn't want to have sex because he was afraid of getting eggs on his penis. He then compared it to having sex with a fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 078

You deserved it 5 167

By Anonymous - 30/10/2011 11:38 - United States

Today, I learned that when the power goes out at my house, my family thinks you can no longer flush the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 667

You deserved it 3 266

By Username - 11/08/2011 23:38 - United States

Today, after coming back from deployment, I found a homeless guy had broken into my house and made it his home for the last 5 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 207

You deserved it 2 729

By Anonymous - 30/08/2015 15:44 - United States

Today, while I was pulling weeds, my dad thought it would be absolutely hilarious to yell "Hey, son!" then unload his gun at me when I turned around. After I'd screamed like a bitch and pissed myself, he broke down into hysterical laughter and said he'd loaded the gun with blanks. Fuck you, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 634

You deserved it 2 569

By Ew. - 09/04/2012 15:22 - United Kingdom

Today, after being filled with joy after seeing my very elderly cat finally enjoying the sun in my garden, I skipped over to give her a hug. Turns out she was taking a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 915

You deserved it 9 246

My little buddy

By Anonymous - 18/08/2009 05:37 - United States

Today, I walked in on my husband in our room completely naked. At first I thought he was waiting for me so we could have sex. He hadn't seen me yet, so I started to undress too to surprise him. Then I saw that he had drawn a face on his penis and he was talking to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 166

You deserved it 6 525

Get me out

By bosslady12 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I realized that I needed a new job when I had to take anti-anxiety medication before meeting with my boss. Last time we met, I had a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 550

You deserved it 3 405

Payback

By AUDONEE - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I received multiple phone calls asking how much my Siamese cat cost. Too bad I never had a Siamese cat - let alone a Siamese cat up for sale. It turns out the guy I prank phone called the other day didn't appreciate it and put my number on Craigslist with an ad for a Siamese cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 305

You deserved it 59 995

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The Top

Today, my dad grounded me for two weeks for profusely swearing at my misbehaving laptop. After some arguing, he actually accepted my half-joking offer to play a game of CoD over it. His condition was that if I lost, my grounding period would double. We played. He kicked my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 054

You deserved it 34 705

Today, my girlfriend actually walked into a door and gave herself a black eye. She's too embarrassed to admit it, so she's telling everyone I beat her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 669

You deserved it 4 074

Today, I was working in the box office. A group came in for tickets but wanted to pay individually. One paid $40 for a $25 ticket. Laughing, I reached for the calculator while saying, "I went to public school, so I can't do math." They didn't laugh. They were all teachers in public schools. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 054

You deserved it 55 275

Today, I awoke to my husband donning a gorilla mask in the middle of the night. My kids have been staying in a tent out back for the past few nights, and have complained of a "monster" scaring them. I told them that it was their imagination. My husband says he gets a kick out of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 664

You deserved it 6 977

Today, I passed my driver's test. As I was driving home, I was rear-ended. Rear-ended by the examiner that'd passed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 298

You deserved it 75

Today, my boyfriend’s soon to be ex-wife was supposed to go on a trip with her sister, so I came over for the weekend while she was gone. She came home saying she’s not going anymore because her sister cancelled. I had to wait inside a hot closet for 4 hours hungry as fuck until I could escape when she was showering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 1 159