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twilight_lupus's favorite FMLs
Today, my girlfriend freaked out on me because I answered her call on the first ring. According to her, it implies that I'm desperate, always horny, and just want her for the sex. Just last week she got pissed because I waited three rings to answer. Apparently that means I'm cheating on her. FML
by FML! / 08/06/2011 at 8:27pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love
by Smokey9 / 07/25/2011 at 11:12am / United States (Florida) / Health
by Harry / 07/20/2011 at 3:40am / United States / Kids
Today, after spending over $1000 on plane tickets, I'm visiting my family for the first time in five years. Two hours after I arrived, everyone is screaming at each other and taking their rage out on me. They still ask why I never visit. FML
by Kurochrome / 07/18/2011 at 1:09am / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was on the elevator at work. As it descended, a roach started scurrying about around my feet. I freaked out and started screaming, hitting the panic button without thinking. Now I'm facing a hefty fine for using the panic button when there wasn't a "real" emergency. FML
by Meg / 07/15/2011 at 6:24pm / United States (Florida) / Work
by kacysospacyy / 07/15/2011 at 2:23pm / United States (California) / Animals
Today, my tonsils swelled to roughly the size of golf balls. My mom refuses to take me to the hospital because she's convinced I got it from kissing someone, and until I "fess up", she's not budging. FML
by Eden / 07/14/2011 at 4:21pm / United States (New Jersey) / Health
Today, as a joke, I hid under my parents' bed, hoping to scare them when they came home. When they finally arrived, they burst through their bedroom door, tearing each other's clothes off. I had to keep my breath in time with my mom's panting and moaning as my dad brutally dominated her. FML
by gir / 07/14/2011 at 3:35pm / United States (Tennessee) / Intimacy
Today, at work, a regular started talking to me. Subject of choice? His overwhelming amount of earwax. Apparently he'd like to make a candle out of it once he goes to the doctor to get it removed. FML
by Breanne / 07/14/2011 at 11:25am / Canada (Manitoba) / Work
by j1hill33 / 07/14/2011 at 1:09am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous
Today, I couldn't shut a drawer in my kitchen, because an oven mitt was blocking it. An oven mitt filled with tin-foil wrapped electronics. My Mom believes Internet hackers can get into her digital camera and prepaid cell phone, and apparently tin-foil will prevent that. FML
by BelleCharmante / 07/14/2011 at 12:50am / United States (North Carolina) / Geek
Today, I'm staying with my mother for a week. Every time I eat something, she tells me that it's "swimsuit season" and that I need to eat less. Every time I say I'm not hungry, she panics and insists I have an eating disorder. I can't win. FML
by argh / 07/13/2011 at 7:49pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was walking down the street to go to the movies, when I got punched in the back of the head. When I turned around, a stranger said, "HAHA! It's punch a random person day!" When I asked him why he chose me, he replied "You're ugly." FML
by ManInPain / 07/12/2011 at 12:46pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by anon / 07/09/2011 at 12:48am / Australia (Victoria) / Kids
Today, I peeked through my window and trained a pair of binoculars on my neighbour's house. Every night without fail, he ends up standing in front of his window topless to flex his muscles. This time, I was surprised to instead find a note taped to the window saying, "Sorry, I'm out tonight." FML
- 1Today, someone stole my purse and phone while I was giving CPR to someone who had a heart attack on… 2Today, my boyfriend said I didn't give him enough attention because of my busy work life. So… he… 3Today, I was making the daily commute to work when suddenly my mother calls me, crying that there's…