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twilight_lupus's favorite FMLs
Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to buy a bra. A woman sized me and then gave me a bra to try on in the fitting room. To my pleasure, it seemed to fit well. The woman who had sized me came in to check on me and replied, "Yeah, it happens. Not everyone can be symmetrical." FML
by lopsided / 09/06/2011 at 12:22pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, out of sheer boredom, I took a career personality test. The "best match" for me was the position of funeral director. Not only do I have a promising future with death, I got genuinely excited at how accurate the result was. FML
by whattalife / 09/02/2011 at 6:53pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work
by WhatTheFaf / 09/01/2011 at 10:40am / United Kingdom (Nottinghamshire) / Work
Today, it was my first day on the job as a first grade teacher. One student pushed another, so I asked him to apologize. His response? "If you boss me around, I'll tell Daddy you touched me somewhere you shouldn't have." I think I'm now this kid's slave. FML
by slavelaborsux / 08/29/2011 at 7:59pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids
Today, I was installing updates on my 16 year old daughter's laptop, when I got the urge to snoop around. I found a 5,000 word sex story involving her and the Edward and Jacob weirdos from the Twilight movies. I can't even look her in the eyes. I can't believe I raised this freak. FML
by f*ckingdisgusted / 08/26/2011 at 9:13pm / United States / Kids
Today, I found out apparently, I have a weird looking vagina. How? My boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. He took one look at my vagina and with a look of horror said, "I have never seen one this GROSS." He's a gynecologist and probably sees 20 vaginas a day. FML
by Username / 08/21/2011 at 5:59am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy
by ChePow / 08/20/2011 at 2:26pm / Canada (Alberta) / Work
by AlwaysGottaFML / 08/20/2011 at 3:26am / United States (North Carolina) / Love
Today, I got accepted into University onto a course I don't want to do, but my parents said they would disown me if I didn't go. I believe them: they haven't spoken to my shop assistant sister in about three years now. FML
by Academia / 08/18/2011 at 4:45am / United Kingdom (Newcastle upon Tyne) / Work
by candymansvan17 / 08/17/2011 at 5:50pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Miscellaneous
Today, I heard that a boy in my class had written a song about me. Intrigued, I went to see him perform. I spent 3 excruciating minutes listening to a song about 'the girl of his dreams', his tear-filled eyes staring into mine the whole time. I have to sit next to this freak for the next 2 years. FML
by worried / 08/16/2011 at 9:20am / United Kingdom (Cheshire) / Love
Today, two Jehovah's Witnesses rang my doorbell for the 10th time. This time they asked me whether I knew Faith's greatest enemy. I replied, "Basic reasoning?" A copy of The Watchtower can really hurt when it hits you in the eye. FML
by Goaway / 08/14/2011 at 7:20am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous
Today, I spent $500 buying my lost cat back from a jerk who thought it was his. I get home and my mom tells me that she'd sold it to the same guy for $10 because she thought the cat was ruining my love life. FML
by Username / 08/14/2011 at 3:16am / United States / Money
by teeth / 08/10/2011 at 1:00pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health
by MaydayManic / 08/10/2011 at 9:11am / United States / Miscellaneous
- 1Today, my boyfriend said I didn't give him enough attention because of my busy work life. So… he… 2Today, someone stole my purse and phone while I was giving CPR to someone who had a heart attack on… 3Today, I was making the daily commute to work when suddenly my mother calls me, crying that there's…
- Today, I found out that even though my parents have been married for 21 years, our "family friend,"… Today, my vegan girlfriend refused to give me a blowjob because, apparently, blowjobs aren't vegan.… Today, I was having sex with my new boyfriend, and I realized that he enjoys making airplane sound…