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Why am I up so early?
You commented on an FML between 6 and 7 am.
Hard at Work
Voting on an FML from the Work category on a Monday between 8 and 9am, how ironic.
You are connected to FML via the mobile site or an app. How modern.
Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get intimate for the first time. He said he didn't want to use a condom, and that I should just give him one of my birth control pills instead, "so we can still be just as safe". What the hell? FML
Today, I went to the pharmacy to buy condoms. My card was declined, and I had to stand and watch in morbid fascination as the man behind me kindly paid for my purchase. His reason was "God forbid a maxed out Visa should get in the way of fucking." FML
Today, a package was delivered to my house, addressed to me, clearly marked "sexual health products". Inside were condoms, birth control pills, and an invoice made out to me. My parents went ballistic and grounded me. Whoever staged this "hilarious" prank: well played, asshole. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time when her mother unexpectedly came home. In the rush to get dressed, we accidentally put on each other's shirts. Her mom noticed. FML
Today, at work as a gynecologist, I called in my last patient of the day. As soon as I took a peek, I noticed that she had stuck googly-eyes above her vagina. She told me with a straight face not to be afraid, because "She doesn't bite." FML
Today, I refused to go down on my boyfriend of 9 months. He then shoved me off the couch and, half crying, yelled that I was the third girl this week to turn him down. After sobbing for a bit, he looked me in the eyes and said, "I need you to do this so I can prove my manhood." FML
Today, I had to get my grandparents out of jail, because they were caught having sex in a public place. They excused their actions by saying that you can only be young and stupid once, so if you continue doing stupid actions, you are still young. FML
Today, I was out when a guy walking with his girlfriend eyed me up. I made a shocked face at him and kept walking. The next thing I knew, his girlfriend was beating the shit out of me claiming that I was "the other woman." I'd never seen the guy before in my life. FML
Today, I found an invisible ink pen. I drew on my arms, thinking nobody would see it. I had an allergic reaction to the ink, and I now have three very large, very visible, red penises on my forearm. FML
Today, after paying for my groceries, I noticed that a bread-roll hadn't been charged. I felt guilty and went back to the register to pay for it. The cashier burst into derisive laughter and mockingly asked me if I was "running for Pope or something". FML
Today, a couple stopped me on the beach to take a picture of them kissing in front of the sunset. I agreed feeling generous, until they continued making out after the picture was taken, leaving me standing there awkwardly with their camera. FML
Today, I was chatting with a co-worker, and she mentioned she has trouble swallowing pills. I replied that I'm lucky, because I have next to no gag reflex. Half the guys at the other registers abruptly went silent, and I'm now being constantly hit on. FML
Monday 1 September 2014