About PenguinBitch : Alderaan was the newest member of the United Federation of Planets. Unfortunately, the once stable black hole connecting Alderaan and the Federation, destabilized. The distress signal received from StarFleet was lost, leading to the destruction of Alderaan by the Galactic Empire.
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PenguinBitch's favorite FMLs
by ashamed father / 03/09/2014 at 6:32pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids
Today, I had the most intelligent conversation I've ever had with my boyfriend. He was getting really in-depth about subjects like biotechnology and gamma radiation. I soon realized he was only referring to the Incredible Hulk. FML
by cubs44fan / 03/04/2014 at 6:25pm / United States (Indiana) / Geek
Today, I was doodling randomly during a meeting at work, and I noticed my drawing was beginning to look a bit like a penis. A coworker was eyeing it so I tried to make it something else by adding... oh good, now it's a penis and balls. FML
by doodler / 02/27/2014 at 6:59am / United States (Texas) / Work
Today, I was walking home, when a car heading the other way hit a traffic cone. I must have been an asshole in a previous life, because the universe decided to make sure the cone flew into the side of my head. The bystanders were shocked for all of two seconds before laughing. FML
by Anonymous / 02/22/2014 at 4:02pm / United States (California) / Health
by awkward / 02/22/2014 at 12:39am / United States / Intimacy
Today, I ran out of toilet paper. I yelled from the bathroom for my parents to bring me some toilet paper. My dad slipped one tiny piece of toilet paper under the door and boomed, "THE FINAL TEST." FML
by airhead2015 / 02/12/2014 at 12:57pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous
Today, I heard my sister talking to my mom about me, saying that I have the ability to suck the life out of a room like a Dementor. I walked in and asked what she meant by that. My mom replied, "She means you're an asshole." I love you too, mom. FML
by jigglepuff / 02/09/2014 at 12:00pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous
Today, my mother thought it would be funny to sneak into my room at night and scream like a demon after I had explained to her how scared I was of the exorcist movie I had just seen. She claims it wasn't her. FML
by so scared / 02/08/2014 at 12:13pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous
by LadyDeadpool88 / 02/04/2014 at 9:50am / United States (North Carolina) / Kids
Today, I finally finished making my daughter's wedding cake. When I checked on it later, I found a large slice had been cut out. I soon found out that my husband had instagrammed himself eating it, with the caption "#guiltypleasures". FML
by Anonymous / 01/31/2014 at 11:36am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous
Today, me and my boyfriend were having sex. As we were getting into it, his cat came into the room, sat, and stared us down with what looked like disapproving eyes. After 5 minutes had gone by, we stopped completely. A cat just cock blocked me. FML
by CatBlock / 01/31/2014 at 1:16am / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 01/22/2014 at 4:41pm / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 01/22/2014 at 11:30am / United States (Florida) / Health
Today, I was walking home from work, when I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. I clambered back to my feet, made it three feet, then slipped and fell again. A guy who'd witnessed the whole thing stuck his head out of his car window and yelled "Dumbasssssss!" FML
by SqueakingRetard / 01/17/2014 at 6:28pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health
by Anonymous / 01/10/2014 at 9:25pm / United States / Miscellaneous
- 1Today, my religious dad caught my brother jerking off and decided to give us both a lecture about… 2Today, I discovered, after years of being grounded for losing my belongings, that I didn't actually… 3Today, it's been six months since my husband and I have miscarried our daughter who we named Hana…