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Mr_Plague's favorite FMLs
by Anonymous / 12/17/2011 at 2:47am / Miscellaneous
Today, my husband called me to the bedroom to show me something. This "something" was him demonstrating his seemingly well-trained ability to accurately type out a sentence on my phone using nothing but his erect penis. FML
by anne / 12/16/2011 at 10:46pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
Today, after rocking my one-year old daughter for nearly two hours, she finally fell asleep. As I went to leave her room, I stubbed my toe. I now have a broken toe, a screaming child, and a wife who will be so proud that her daughter's first word is "FUCK!" FML
by DocBastard / 12/16/2011 at 9:29pm / United States / Kids
Today, the heating in my house broke down. I called my boyfriend and asked if I could stay at his place until I could get it fixed. He said no, and told me my overgrown leg hair would keep me warm. FML
by Anonymous / 12/16/2011 at 3:11pm / Sweden (Hallands Lan) / Love
by brownunderwear / 12/13/2011 at 10:45pm / United States (Washington) / Health
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he laid on the bed, silent and naked in the fetal position, I had to sit there stroking his head for an hour. I think I raped my boyfriend. FML
by Anonymous / 12/11/2011 at 6:54am / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy
Today, my dad finally decided to give me the "sex talk." It was going fine until he said, "If you ever decide to have sex, picture my face like this" and pointed to his face, which had a creepy, intense stare. He just ruined sex for me. Forever. FML
by Aly / 12/09/2011 at 10:40am / United States / Intimacy
by GlowInTheDark / 12/09/2011 at 2:41am / Australia (New South Wales) / Health
by blondie101 / 12/09/2011 at 1:11am / United States / Miscellaneous
by thatisnotcool45 / 12/09/2011 at 12:22am / Canada / Love
Today, I saw my neighbor's Christmas tree they had put up on their porch, with decorative presents under it. Being that my neighbors hate me, I figured I would take a present to piss them off. While walking back home with the present, I opened it. Inside it read "I knew you would, douche bag." FML
by lebato97 / 12/08/2011 at 10:35pm / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous
by anonymous / 12/08/2011 at 5:37am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 12/07/2011 at 12:47pm / United States (Indiana) / Intimacy
Today, some friends and I were pulled over on our way back from a party. We'd had a few drinks, so we tried to play it cool just in case we were over the limit. The cop didn't seem to want to breathalyze us, until my really high friend in the back seat said, "These are not the droids you are looking for." FML
by Notadrinkanddriveidiot / 12/07/2011 at 9:46am / United States / Miscellaneous
by cuppycakeslove / 12/07/2011 at 6:35am / United States (Ohio) / Health
- Today, I invited my long-lost best friend over, because I haven't seen her much since she got a new… Today, my boyfriend and I were playing a game where you ask sexual questions and you have to give… Today, my boyfriend and I tried to have sex for the first time. Everything was going well, until he…