Today, Twilight once again won all the awards at MTV, beating out Inception, Toy Story 3, Harry Potter, etc. This is MY generation. FML
Today, I was reading a crappy "How to spice up your marriage" book with my husband for laughs. One of the ideas was for the guy to whip his knob out, stand behind his girl and say "Can you say that into the microphone?" Now he does it every chance he gets, and I fall for it EVERY TIME. FML
Today, on my way home from work, I decided to bring my pregnant wife a bouquet of roses to surprise her. Her response? "Why didn't you get me something useful, like chicken wings, instead?" FML
Today, my friend sent me an online money transfer. After forgetting the password and locking myself out of my account, I had to phone up the bank and have it reset. I was prompted to answer the security question, which was "What, what?" I had to say "In the butt." to get my money. FML
Today, I dislocated my collarbone while trying remove my bra without taking off my shirt. FML
Today, I woke up to a scream downstairs. My 13 year-old daughter was trying to bite her little brother's neck. No matter how hard I try, she will not believe that she is NOT and NEVER WILL BE a vampire. FML
Today, my family is on the third day of driving cross country. My husband is still pretending he is driving on a NASCAR track, sound effects and all. FML
Today, while having sex, my boyfriend started singing the Star Wars theme song as he entered his penis into me. FML
Today, someone broke into my car just to steal the freshly baked cookies in the back seat. They also left a thank you note. FML
Today, I walked in on my mother stroking my cat and murmuring, "Don't worry, kitty. One day, you and I... we will rule." FML
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