Mr Heythuysen, The netherlands 28 years-old Single
Today, in the midst of foreplay, this girl tells me I'm "so hot". I respond "Ditto." She heatedly responds, "I love ditto," to which I suavely reply, "I didn't know you were into Pokémon. That may make you even sexier." She knows nothing about Pokémon, but I sure know how to kill the mood. FML
Today, I went to my doctor for a check-up. It started with the doctor lifting my shirt up to check my heartbeat, and ended with my gran starting a fistfight over his "perverted ways." FML
Today, my wife showed me what was missing in our marriage with a Twilight video montage. FML
Today, I was rear-ended by a girl barely out of her teens. I got out of my car and went to get her insurance details, only for her mother to get out and up in my face, screaming at me to, "Get back in your fucking car and get the fuck out of here!" I panicked and did just that. FML
Today, while leaving McDonald's, I threw a fry out the window to a flock of seagulls. I watched in the rear-view mirror as it landed in the opposite lane and about 60 winged rats descended upon the street, causing a truck to veer off the road and crash. FML
Today, I came home a little earlier than usual, only to walk in on my dad frantically trying to remove a ballgag from my mom's mouth. FML
Today, I was told that my son has Twitter and Facebook accounts that he uses to try to bully people online, some of which are celebrities. He does it really badly, though. FML
Today, I had my first date in almost four years. Twenty minutes into our dinner date, I excused myself to use the ladies room. When I came back, not only was he gone, but there was also a security guard waiting to walk me out. I still have no clue why he left or why I got kicked out. FML
Today, for the third time since breakfast, I accidentally walked in on my father wanking. FML
Today, I bought a live lobster to have for dinner. When my four year old daughter discovered it in the cooler, she thanked me incessantly for finally getting her a pet. She now won't let "Mr. Shelly" out of her sight. FML
Today, I noticed that my new colleague never laughs. Instead she says, "LOL". I have to work with her every day. FML
Today, my sex-crazed ex wrote me a letter so bad, it haunts me that I let a guy with such terrible grammar skills touch my boobs. FML
Today, a cute guy ditched his date and walked up to me, calling me beautiful. Not knowing how to reply, I just blushed. His date got angry and left. "Sorry. I take that back," he then said. "I was just trying to get rid of her. Thanks anyway." FML
Today, I went to my dad's house for Christmas. Soon enough, my grandma had commented on how much weight I've gained, my aunt asked me why I'm still single, and my dad joined in by reminding me that I still haven't been accepted into college. Only three more days to go. FML
Today, my mother gave me a Christmas present for the first time in 15 years: a dog. Her 16-year-old, untrained, mean dog who wears diapers. FML
Today, Christmas changed my life. Last year I had a boyfriend to cuddle with on Christmas; this year I have a body pillow of an anime character. FML
Today, when I am asked to do something and I don't do it immediately, my mother threatens to "twerk" in front of my friends. FML
Today, my boss hung a dartboard in his office. It has a printout of my employee photo taped to it. FML
Today, after much debate, I let my mom wax my eyebrows. Now I get to look super surprised until they grow back. FML
Today, I was taking a piss when a fly landed inside the urinal. I thought it would be funny to try to aim and pee on it until it flew away and I stupidly continued aiming, peeing all over the floor and the wall. Another man came in time to see it. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
