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Today, I cut myself with child-proof scissors. FML

Today, my husband pooped the bed for the second time since we've been married. We've been married a month. FML

Today, I realized that potato chips are made from potatoes. I'm 26. FML

What the hell am I doing here?

Today, my "friend" told me I was weird and irritating. Yet she has an unhealthy obsession with Harry Potter, hates people in general, and has a Facebook for her cat. Yeah, I'm the weird one. FML

Today, my younger brother and I got into a fight over who the favorite child is. My mom overheard, came in the living room and said, "It's your little brother, now shut up." She was serious. FML

Today, my 17 year old asked me whether to chew or swallow grapes. I raised this dumbass. FML

Today, while using the restroom at McDonald's, a hand reached under my stall and took the remaining toilet paper. FML

Today, I stayed up until 4 am. I was waiting for both my cats to fall asleep, so I could play Santa and stuff their stockings in secret. FML