Today, I was accused of shooting up drugs at work. I was only feeding a baby bird that was tucked into my arm using a medicine syringe. I've been smuggling it to work because it has to eat every 2 hours or it will starve. Now everyone there thinks I'm a hardcore dope fiend. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my mum accused me of doing heroin because some teaspoons had gone missing. FML
Today, my thundercunt of a neighbor, who's hated me since I moved in, called the cops on me. He told them he saw me shooting up on drugs. I'm diabetic and was injecting insulin, which he could only have seen by spying on me through my living room window. FML
Today, it was my first day as a pharm tech. Two hours into my shift, I came down with awful food poisoning, causing me to go to the restroom multiple times before eventually leaving. I'd filled multiple controlled substances today and can't help but think my coworkers are thinking I'm a drug addict. FML
Today, I wasn’t hungover at work for a change, after quitting heavy drinking of 10+ years. My boss accused me of being “high as a kite on drugs”, because I was “suspiciously chirpy.” FML
Today, my mother topped someone's story of their child's problems by saying I'm on drugs. This resulted in people showing up to stage an intervention for me. She made the whole thing up and I've never used drugs, but no one believes me. FML
Today, I got my annual blood test. The nurse was inexperienced and it took her several tries to insert the needle properly. When I get back home, my fiancé starts yelling at me and storms out. The reason? I am a recovering drug addict and my arm appeared as if I had been shooting up. FML
Today, my manager gave me hell for leaving the restaurant early yesterday. Guilty as charged, but only because I was rushed to the hospital after going into diabetic shock. This assmunch is convinced that I either faked it all to get off work early, or that I'd been eating our own stock. FML
Today, my nosey louse of a coworker went to HR and told them I was snorting drugs at my desk. I was using nasal saline, as the dry winter weather wreaks havoc on my sinuses. The fact that they even brought me in pisses me off beyond words. FML
Today, I went in to work and was handed a write-up for having lied about being sick in order to leave early yesterday. Apparently, a co-worker saw me leave the parking lot, then immediately pull into the shopping center next door. I was going to Walgreens for cold medicine. FML
Today, I got caught sniffing a rat, and now my boss is forcing me to be tested for the black death and is "terrified" that I made everyone sick, and says I may be fired from my job as a pediatric anesthesiologist. FML
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Top comments
Nordrag 26
I commend you for your care of the bird, but you had to know something bad would happen if you had to smuggle the bird in.
CheeseTron 15
You should just tell them. Its probably better than them thinking that youre shooting up heroin at work
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Comments (98)
meggieeee92 15
That's so sweet of you! Hopefully try to explain the situation and people will understand that you're just being sweet and caring! :)
buckdharma 38
I understand op. You don't have a monkey on your back, Just a bird under your arm.
edmunson 22
I love the sarcasm! That's what FML is all about!'
triplebeerox 27
You should call a wildlife rehabilitation center; they would be able to give the bird the care it needs. We once had a bird fly into our window and it broke its wing so we looked in the phone book (this was years ago) and found a wildlife rehab center. We brought them the bird and they said they would be able to take care of it. Maybe this could be an option for you.
Dawnstempest 17
Not all wildlife rehabilitation centers are worth the name. Most of the ones I've been to have been staffed by morons who couldn't tell you the difference between a baby robin and a baby red-wing blackbird with two pictures up in front of them or be able to tell you much about any of the wild-life near-by. The exceptions, at least in driving range; have been too far, and too few. Yeah, it might be okay for the average person not to tell the difference, but when it comes to people who need that knowledge to preform their job successfully (and when the lives of animals depend on it) there is no excuse. If the OP is semi competent, and the OP must be far over that line -- considering how the baby hasn't choked to death yet -- I say they are far better just raising it. As long as they are prepared to keep it for the next decade (assuming starling or some other "common" bird), because if it is young enough to require a syringe to be feed, chances are it will imprint on him/ her and never want to leave.
perdix 31
They probably believe you are a hardcore dope fiend because you think you're a Mama Bird.
queerdragon 20
1. Show them the baby bird and the way you have been feeding it. 2. Offer to take a drug test on the spot, to make sure they know you are not high on the job. 3. Apologize for causing a problem. 4. Call a wildlife reserve.
graceinsheepwear 34
What if he smoked a joint on the weekend 2 weeks ago? He'd test positive for drugs and it still would not have addressed the fact that he wasn't shooting up.
JaneChemi_fml 21
maybe op is smart enough not to. especially since jobs regularly test
1PersonIsMyWorld 22
Drug tests can specify which drug is in your system.
graceinsheepwear 34
yeah but they'll run a general test and then any positive will be cause for dismissal. I don't do drugs; I'm just sayin, lots of people are recreational users and pot lasts a long time. in the tissues.
Enslaved 38
I say, give them "the bird" for thinking that!
Cazz91 21
Maybe just explain the situation to your work and show them proof to your explanation. If things continue to escalate from you apparently lying about said bird and still believed to be shooting it up, contact your human resource department if you have one or go file a complaint of harassment against your work if worse comes to worse.
RensM 22
That is the worst excuse for shooting dope I ever heard
Dawnstempest 17
Good job OP. Keep up the good work. Getting up at 3:45AM every single morning for a few weeks to feed is a pain in the a**, but worth it as you'll find out when it starts to grow up. What kind do you have? It looks like you might be starting a flock of your own if it's so young (for those that don't know, very young birds imprint on their care-taker and form an unbreakable bond with that person/ people, considering them family) ^^. Just remember that because of imprinting, and any defects it might have (most of the reason people find stray birds are because of their parents tossing them from the nest at a young age due to problems health/ physically) may make it unreleasable, so you may end up with it fore life (about a decade for most common species). Have fun.
JaneChemi_fml 21
i had a pigeon once. we found him on the ground with a broken wing. he ended up with us for the rest of his days (3 years)
fleur_de_fevrier_fml 23
I think showing your arms would be an easy to prove that you're not a junkie...
Sinistra_Blue 12
That's why I always shoot up in my ear....no one ever checks there. Suckers!
1PersonIsMyWorld 22
47--so it goes straight to your head?34----- thats exactly what i thought. if he shot up there would be plenty of markings to show it.