Today, a discussion with my father about what to have for lunch turned into a linguistics lesson, then a bible story, followed by religious anti-gay propaganda, and finally a brief discussion on why my brother would make a terrible military dictator. I still haven't gotten anything for lunch. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my dad was making a sandwich in the kitchen. Hungry, I snuck in and grabbed it, running back to my room and devouring it. Later at dinner, he dumped a whole scoop of rice in my lap. We all ended up laughing as we cleaned it. FML
Today, I went out for lunch with one of my co-workers. After work, I talked to one of my friends about how unpleasant the lunch was with him. My co-worker was standing behind me listening in the whole time. FML
Today, my boyfriend came over to my parents' house for dinner. My dad made Holocaust jokes the entire time. My boyfriend is Jewish. FML
Today, my dad offered to make me lunch as it was my first day at a new school. Today was also the day I had to eat a penis-shaped sandwich in front of my new peers. FML
Today, my dad sat me and my sister down and give us a "talk". More like an angry irrational rant. He forbade us from being gay, marrying a Muslim or a black person, demanded kids from both of us, and threatened to disown us if we didn't. Where's my free will? FML
Today, I took my boyfriend to a family dinner. It went well, until my dad got drunk and started telling everyone about how "midgets" are assholes and are ruining America. FML
Today, I had to go to a big dinner with my insane relatives. Highlights of conversation included my sister telling us about the "country of Iowa", my dad accusing me of faking my chronic fatigue syndrome, and my grandpa claiming that Nelson Mandela is the Antichrist. FML
Today, my parents brought home lunch from a shady grocery store deli. They mused about how hard I am to feed because I turned it down; the last time I ate anything from there, it gave me botulism, and it tastes horrible anyway. They both got sick. Now I'm playing nurse to both. No apologies yet. FML
Today, hoping to seal the deal on a promotion, I had my boss over for dinner. My dad, who lives with me, started ranting about homosexuals burning in hell. My boss’s daughter is a lesbian. Now my dad’s nose is broken and I fear for my job. FML
Today, I was eating dinner with my family. My parents didn't want me to hear what they were talking about so they decided they would spell out the words so I wouldn't understand. I didn't. FML
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Top comments
Bloo2555 22
Other than the anti-gay propaganda, that sounds like an amazing conversation.
RichardPencil 32
You should have rebutted his remarks on why you’d make a fabulous gay military dictator! The uniforms alone would be scrumptious. Also, your thesis could be that the downfall of military dictators is usually their unchecked womanizing and you’d be immune to that. Then, go get a Hot Pocket!
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Comments (13)
Bloo2555 22
Other than the anti-gay propaganda, that sounds like an amazing conversation.
novdestiny 23
Oh we need to know more about that convo!!
RichardPencil 32
You should have rebutted his remarks on why you’d make a fabulous gay military dictator! The uniforms alone would be scrumptious. Also, your thesis could be that the downfall of military dictators is usually their unchecked womanizing and you’d be immune to that. Then, go get a Hot Pocket!
Poodsnade 9
Seven people don't like hotpockets apparently, lol
Lobby_Bee 18
Your hunger for knowledge has been fulfilled. Thank your dad.
Donut_Wizard 23
In return, just offer him a tall frosty glass of shut-the-****-up.
Ishvah 15
Sounds like a YouTube comment section.
dexter420 21
Information is food for the brain
pjsr 33
I love linguini - why didn’t you just eat that?
MamaChey 24
Linguine is terribly difficult to eat while taking dictation about the military. The first thing I thought of when reading this post was that since OP is old enough to spell linguistic, he’s prolly old enough to make his own damned pb&j sammie...
RichardPencil 32
I think the terrible military dictator in question was General Tso. Instead of oppressing the masses, he was constantly ******* around with chicken recipes. In “The Art of War,” it clearly states that chicken preparation should be left to no one higher than a Colonel!
Taurus_ChicKa 37
Um... how old are you? Are you incapable of making any sort of meal? Surely you have things to make a sandwich, or even a bowl of cereal.
thehunterofprey 5
are you gay?