Today, my mom refused to sign me up for a CPR class, reasoning that if I was ever put in a situation where a person was choking, I could save them using my "common sense" and "intellect." I need this class to graduate. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, it's April Fool's day. I had to take a CPR class, and everything was going well. We took a break and I went to get a drink of water and started choking. They thought I was making fun of the class, and made me leave. FML
Today, my mom put me in an anger management class because I said "crap." FML
Today, my mom said if I don't get straight As in my classes this year, she'll get the school to hold me back until I do. I believe her. FML
Today, I asked my mom if I could join my friends in getting lessons in self defense. My mom told me that I didn't need them because my face was a better weapon to repel anyone. FML
Today, my mom found out I'm failing three classes. Now she won't let me go to a convention I bought passes for weeks in advance. Each pass was $45, and I bought 2 more for my friends. You do the math on that, because I apparently can't. FML
Today, I had to go take swimming lessons because my mom has a fear I'll drown and I'm totally afraid of swimming anyway and never get anywhere near water. My instructor? A high school classmate of mine. My fellow swimming classmates? 5 and 6 year old kids. FML
Today, my mom told me to do karate with her, and so I said no. Now my mom won't let me do anything until I go do karate with her. FML
Today, my mom signed me up for a swimming class to show my sister there's nothing to be afraid of. Considering I'm 17, I assumed I'd be in an advanced class. Instead, I get to spend summer blowing bubbles in the shallow end with four-year-olds as my little sister cheers me on from the steps. FML
Today, I dropped out of college and moved back home to help my mom take care of my younger siblings after our father's death. My mom yelled at me and scolded me and lectured me for throwing my life away, and said this was the last thing she ever wanted me to do. I thought she needed help. FML
Today, I'd signed up to try a workout class at the gym. However, as soon as the instructor started the class, I realized it was much more intense than I had anticipated. I ended up passing out and had to be carried out of the class by the instructor. FML
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Top comments
zandalee 20
Sounds like your Mum needs some common sense and intellect!
luminos_ 9
How about you tell your mum you need this class to graduate?
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Comments (94)
zandalee 20
Sounds like your Mum needs some common sense and intellect!
whiteboy896 9
Took the words right out of my mouth!
kansah 25
oh it must have been when you were kissin me
Palirose 22
OP could forge her/his mothers signature. For this sort of thing I think it's understandable. Lol
kansah 25
no one a Meatloaf fan?? okay.
AgentSmith79 9
I didn't know Meatloaf still had fans.
luminos_ 9
How about you tell your mum you need this class to graduate?
MrSassypants 34
Or OP can tell her that CPR stands for common sense and intellect. If it works then OP's mom would be the one needing common sense and intellect.
gc327072 31
24/: Common Psense and Rintellect seemslegit.jpg
sirpantselot 22
24; that's the funniest thing I've read in years! Definitely worth playing the odds that that OPs mum wouldn't notice
boarderlyne17 8
54 - Clearly you don't read many funny things.
bfsd42 20
37, it was obviously a joke saying that the mom is lacking common sense and intellect. If you took a CPR class, you would have realized this.
mackdeezy 22
I sure hope this "common sense and intellect" approach of hers doesnt come biting.her.in the ass if she starts choking.
GothickNihilist 15
I thought the heimlich was for choking, and that CPR was for breathing and heart attacks.
wlddog 14
Ok, time for another quick class. If the person is choking, get behind them and ball up one fist. Then place is just below the center of their ribs, and grasp your fist with your other hand. Pull your hand inward and upward in a powerful motion. Repeat if needed. If success is not made in the first 3 attempts, tell someone else around you to call 911. Check for a pulse. If they have no pulse, you will need to pump their heart for them until help arrives. If that person passes out, make sure 911 has been called. Check to see if you can sweep their mouth and clear their throat. If nothing can be seen or felt, begin chest compressions to the beat of "Anotherone bites the dust". Sounds morbid, but its the right pace. The chest compressions are more important then the help breathing. The pumping action will also most likely break some of their ribs, so it is not to be done unless they are not going to make it anyway. But is better for them to be alive and suffer a few broken ribs, then be dead. I am sure I left something out so please comment, but this is what I remember and hopefully it will save someone that cant go to class.
MuseFan1991 14
as useful as that was 49, i dont think saying 'i know what to do cos i saw it on FML' would really work when OP needs the class to graduate
toon_girl 12
@49, good advice but just a couple of points - Check they actually are choking before you start abdominal thrusts - otherwise you end up as an FML on here! And check if they're breathing if they're unconcious, never do CPR on someone who is breathing.
wlddog 14
77 Thanks. Its hard to make sure I hit all the points. Its been a few years since i was in class. I do agree, it is best to ensure they are breathing. As a disclaimer, you can always call 911 and the person on the other line will walk you through it. They deal with it everyday and you most likely will be too freaked out to femember everything anyway.
MallowMistress 13
Make sure you have a conscious persons permission first as well, or you can be sued. As well, Heimlich can be performed on a pregnant woman, or a very large person, by thrusting against the chest plate, one arm over a shoulder, the other under, grasping hands on the breast plate.
karlcolt45 19
I had to do CPR on my girlfriend once, its freaky knowing you're the only thing between the person and the grave.
Rababco 29
@5 Wow, that must have been terrifying! To not know if you could save her or if she'd back to life or not. What happened, based on the wording I'm assuming she's alive. I'm a bit of writer so I've imagined my characters going through these types of situations but I've never experienced anything like this and I hope I never will.
oj101 33
The irony of this is overwhelming.
Incredidanny 5
I don't sense any irony. Am I missing something?
Incredidanny 5
Oh, I got it now. Fail.
Serisent 26
If your mother had any common sense or intellect, she'd understand that you need the class to graduate.
teemooegan 9
Regardless if OP needed the class to graduate or not, CPR is a good skill to have. Cause you never know.
flysniper77 6
And you can't sign up for a CPR class yourself because...?
Synistiel 14
I know right? Plus if you need it to graduate, you shouldn't need a parent's signature.
Azail 15
I'm going to assume that OP is below 18 and needs parental consent
2035 9
The likelihood of op being under 18 and graduating with a degree is pretty damn low...
furbyface711 9
It could be to graduate from high school. I hate to take a first aid and safety class my senior year. You had to take it at a local fire department or the Red Cross so you needed a parent to sign you up. Or at least I did because I was only 17.
Synistiel 14
45- Why would you need consent to take a REQUIRED COURSE?
SamCat 21
op can sign up but mom needs to pay for it. There are free classes but not free certificates and is what op needs.
Synistiel 14
82- I'd love to know what high school you go/went to. No one should be paying for any classes. Maybe a card fee to be certified, but never for the whole class. A required course, especially. That is ridiculous.
Sandsh8rk 36
Your mom is talking shit. People dont just instantly learn how to do CPR, you need to be professionally trained to administer it. Being a Surf Life Saver, I would know.
medichick 5
Actually if you take a class, you instantly learn it AND are professionally trained. You don't have to be in a certain field to do CPR. Anyone off the street and take a class, learn it, and administer it if needed.
EddieG6 3
Moms. Always want you to succeed, but always manage to slow down the process
Jezzababy 10
What a retard sorry but everyone should learn it just cos its a good thing to learn
EpicSquishii 21
Holy run-on sentence, Batman! Retard is a fitting word for those that insult others, yet have no concept of punctuation, spelling, or grammar. Have fun being intellectually superior to about 6% of the population, babe.