Top

Top of the day Top of the week Top of the month

Top of the year

Top all time

Sweet relief

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was ecstatic. Apparently, she'd been trying to figure out how to break up with me for the past four months. FML

agreeclassic 14 027

vote type 1 1 697

Old dog, new tricks

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my mom noticed the hickey that I have on my neck. Embarrassed, I tried convincing her that I burnt myself using a hair straightener. She then told me that that's the same excuse she told my grandma when she got a hickey. FML

agreeclassic 14 024

vote type 1 47 436

Bathtime

By LemmyIsWet - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I took a relaxing bath, but got the book I was reading slightly wet when getting out. I put it on top of the towel dryer after delicately shaking it. Five minutes later, I heard a splash; I went into the bathroom to find that my book had toppled into the toilet bowl. FML

agreeclassic 13 961

vote type 1 27 939

Policy of truth

By Lisaaa - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, it was my little girl's birthday and her grandparents came over to celebrate. One of the presents from her grandparents turned out to be a sweater. She then asked, "Mommy, may I please lie?" When I shook my head no, she exclaimed, "I hate this ugly sweater!" FML

agreeclassic 13 846

vote type 1 35 092

Same thing

By fuckel4 - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - El Dorado

Today, while updating my résumé, I noticed that in my list of achievements it said "Torturing middle school students". I meant "tutoring", but I guess this explains why I'm still unemployed a year after I started looking for a job. FML

agreeclassic 13 801

vote type 1 5 568

Spoiled

By Beefy Man - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Lehi

Today, I spent eight hours cutting, curing, and aligning on the racks, six months worth of beef to be dried for some tasty jerky, only to find out my dehydrator is broken beyond repair, and would cost as much to fix as the soon-to-spoil meat that I bought. FML

agreeclassic 13 795

vote type 1 2 008

Snoopy

By poorbeauty - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - Canada - Toronto

Today, my sister found and read my journal. My first entry talked about how I shaved my ass for the first time. FML

agreeclassic 13 724

vote type 1 2 910

Learning moment

By bigbro - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - Australia - Southbank

Today, I was babysitting my 6-year-old brother and was playing Mario. When I won, he called me a cunt. I was in shock and asked him where he learnt the word. He said from me when I was driving. He then told my mum that I taught him a new word. Easy to say, I'm in big trouble. FML

agreeclassic 13 561

vote type 1 5 134

'Ello 'ello 'ello

By wreckdit - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I discovered that my roommate is a drug dealer and has been keeping her product in our flat. I discovered this when several police officers broke down my bathroom door and arrested me while I was in the shower. FML

agreeclassic 13 254

vote type 1 791

Where am I?

By rmo1776 - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went to a very nice reception at a hotel. I glanced inside the ballroom and saw that no one else was in there and, not wanting to be the first one there, I walked past and into the stairway. Turns out, I had walked into the emergency exit stairs and had to set off the alarm to get out. FML

agreeclassic 13 137

vote type 1 49 425

Nothing of value was lost

By PseudoHappiness - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out my debit card information has been compromised and that someone in San Jose, CA has completely drained my bank account. Joke's on them though. I was already broke as fuck. FML

agreeclassic 13 086

vote type 1 1 418

Happy 4th of July

By Bacon0426 - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Skaneateles

Today, in honor of America's birthday, my 50-year-old father decided to light off homemade bombs without telling anyone. The screams of me and my family members were louder than the bombs. FML

agreeclassic 13 083

vote type 1 1 213

Miss Popularity

By eggman 583 - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Massapequa

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I was, "trying to change her." A week ago I asked her to stop talking to the six guys that have all previously asked her for nudes. FML

agreeclassic 12 979

vote type 1 1 284

Rained on

By smellyhand - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, it looked like rain so I held out my hand to catch a raindrop. When I finally caught one, I closed my hand over it and ran to show my friends to prove it was raining. I opened my hand saying, "Look! It's raining!" When I looked down, I saw that I had actually caught a bird shit. FML

agreeclassic 12 941

vote type 1 34 475

Be careful what you wish for

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Frisco

Today, for the first time ever, one of my birthday wishes came true. I wished for my crush to come hang out with me, and she did. I wasted my birthday wish on an awkward silence. FML

agreeclassic 12 819

vote type 1 3 416

Test failure

By That guy - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Mansfield

Today, I was told that every week the grocery store I work for has a "mystery customer" who shops throughout the store and rates us. Our store has gotten straight 100s for the past two years, and I ruined their streak. Apparently, I was the worst they've ever seen. FML

agreeclassic 12 805

vote type 1 3 788

Bad memory

By thereisnobaby - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Cadillac

Today, I was met with an unfortunate clerical error, receiving a letter from WIC with a cheery handwritten note instructing me to call when the baby arrives. I guess they forgot I was there four months ago to discuss the changes in benefits after a miscarriage. FML

agreeclassic 12 654

vote type 1 850

Thanks, I hate it

By Heretique - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Norway

Today, we had to evaluate each other in class. Apparently I'm a quarrelsome, uncommitted, commanding bitch. FML

agreeclassic 12 641

vote type 1 35 718

Gnarly

By Anonyme - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Switzerland

Today, my girlfriend bought several packs of bottled water, even though we have pure mountain water on tap. She did this because the pile-up of unwashed dishes in the sink makes it virtually impossible to slide a glass under the tap. FML

agreeclassic 12 589

vote type 1 47 192

Make it stop

By kids are meh - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, I told my cousin it would be okay if he stayed the weekend after a fight with his wife. He didn't tell me he was bringing his 4 kids. They've watched funny cat videos for hours and they laugh like maniacs. FML

agreeclassic 12 485

vote type 1 1 470

Special ingredient

By Laviolette - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I was preparing dinner for my in-laws for the first time. Nervous, I accidentally spilled the pasta into the sink. With nothing else to prepare, I quickly scooped it all back out. No-one would have been any the wiser, if the kitchen sponge hadn't shown up in the middle of the meal. FML

agreeclassic 12 309

vote type 1 40 499

Heeeeeelp!

By baddoggy - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went to pick up my dog from the vet after she had surgery. I somehow managed to lock my keys, my purse, and my dog in the car. FML

agreeclassic 12 255

vote type 1 23 818

Turnaround

By grrrr - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. Feeling bad, I texted him a few hours later apologizing. He said it was fine and that he went ahead and picked up a girl from the mall. FML

agreeclassic 12 219

vote type 1 48 704

Entitled much?

By Knittedbirch - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Today, my mom volunteered me to house-sit for one of her friends. This lady has texted me over ten times in less than 24 hours, called me unreasonable for not dropping jury duty to meet with her, and has messaged my mom multiple times to complain about me. My mom already said I would do this for free. FML

agreeclassic 12 206

vote type 1 1 772

Lingering

By Evjoel - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - Bermuda - Hamilton

Today, whilst making a cake for my kids, I accidentally got some cocoa powder in my nose. Now it feels like my nose is burning stronger than the fires of hell. On the bright side, everything smells like chocolate. FML

agreeclassic 11 937

vote type 1 1 171

Feed me and shut up

By a fatty - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, the lady running the pastry shop asked who I buy the second pastry for every day. I lied and told her that it's for a coworker. I eat them both. FML

agreeclassic 11 803

vote type 1 36 640

Can't you see?

By imaqtb - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I was working at a restaurant. This guy comes up to the counter and asks if he could have some toothpicks. I told him they were right in front of him. He said, "Sorry, I'm blind." Thinking it was a joke, I laughed until he said, "No, seriously." FML

agreeclassic 11 769

vote type 1 38 029

Overthinking it

By omgreally91 - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I spent an hour photoshopping my face onto super skinny models as inspiration for a diet. FML

agreeclassic 11 684

vote type 1 30 713

Tanned pits

By huulo - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff

Today, I was getting ready for the school swimming carnival and was running very late. I reached for my deodorant and sprayed it on. It was only when I was at the pool that I realized I had accidentally grabbed the spray tan and covered my underarms in it. FML

agreeclassic 11 644

vote type 1 28 412

Feeling included

By ~~~~ - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - Belgium - Hemiksem

Today, my boyfriend added me to his friends' private Whatsapp group, after weeks of asking him to include me in more of his life. It turns out almost all they do is post pictures of their shits and rate them. There is nearly a year's worth of pictures. FML

agreeclassic 11 630

vote type 1 6 436

VDM sur Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Top

Today, my wife, the budding environmentalist, who is also 6 months pregnant, threatened to leave me because according to her I'm responsible for the world's deforestation. I'd only drawn her a picture of her with our baby-to-be. FML

agreeclassic 650

vote type 1 60

Today, I was getting ready for school and stepped out on my porch to go wait for the bus. I literally said out loud, “Today is gonna be a good day.” I took one step and fell all the way down the stairs. FML

agreeclassic 1 032

vote type 1 192

Today, I went to a fastfood restaurant to pick up food for my work party. I ordered 250 chicken fingers, 15 orders of fries, and 2 gallons of tea, and the guy behind the counter asked, "Is this for here or to go?" FML

agreeclassic 44 992

vote type 1 7 121

Today, trying to pocket a little extra cash for himself, my dad responded to multiple babysitting ads on Craigslist, accepting them all on my behalf. I despise children with all my heart. FML

agreeclassic 30 080

vote type 1 8 823

Today, at work, I was told I was a failure. Feeling like crap, I went to my best friend to see if he could make me laugh. He told me that he felt obligated to hang out with me, so he thought that we shouldn't anymore. FML

agreeclassic 29 709

vote type 1 3 380

Today, while I was showering, a dark object in the shower kept startling me. After about the fourth time jumping, I realized it was my shadow that was scaring me. I am actually literally afraid of my own shadow. FML

agreeclassic 10 993

vote type 1 30 128