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Rehab

By Anonymous - 06/09/2018 22:24

Today, I went to a support group for my porn addiction. I was hoping I wouldn't recognize anyone there. The first person I recognized was my dad, and the second was one of my professors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 986

You deserved it 499

By weirdfridgelady - 21/09/2018 05:56

Today, after a long shift at work, I got home feeling sick and nauseous. I went to remove the tampon I'd had in all day and go to bed, but I literally uncorked myself. There was blood everywhere... on the floor, all over my legs, even on the walls. Everywhere I look, I find more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 280

You deserved it 904

weirdfridgelady tells us more.

weirdfridgelady 15

Thursday 20 September 2018 13:38

Thanks for support and backup. Because I am aware of the risks of TSS but I just simply didn’t have time to change my tampon, and yes I had a pad also. Also the first time it’s happened to me, so just a bad and very messy day, I’m usually much more hygienic with those sorts of things.

By Anonymous - 03/04/2017 00:00

Today, my husband told my 5-year-old daughter that if I swallowed a watermelon seed, I would get pregnant. Tonight, she dropped one in my mouth while I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 328

You deserved it 634

By anonymous - 25/02/2016 21:55 - United States

Today, my husband, who has been in a coma for 5 weeks, woke up. When I went to visit him, the first thing he did was try and continue the argument we had been having before he crashed the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 952

You deserved it 2 438

By Zannanana - 30/10/2018 05:00

Today, I realised my parrot loves to masturbate on anything soft I own, like my sweater, house socks, blanket, and even my hair bun on the top of my head. I only realised this when my boyfriend pointed out that my parrot was humping my bun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 747

You deserved it 341

By Anonymous - 23/05/2017 14:00

Today, I went on a date after months of rejection and loneliness. Everything was going great until my date argued with me over the correct way to pronounce my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 186

You deserved it 323

By Sudokori - 07/09/2017 01:30

Today, my coworker paid me back the $15 I let him borrow and we shook hands. Later, I was called into my boss's office, where he threatened to fire me for doing a drug deal in front of customers. The police are getting involved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 268

You deserved it 272

By Jihnyq - 24/10/2017 08:00 - Ecuador - Quito

Today, I went on a blind date with a girl. I was trying to be funny and joked, "I've never been on a blind date because I was afraid my date would be blind." She started crying because she's visually impaired and had just built up the courage to start dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 412

You deserved it 4 721

Not my turn

By Perry85 - 10/12/2019 05:00

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she says "Don't cum in me, my husband has plans for later." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 305

You deserved it 1 032

Worth a shot

By oopsydaisy - 07/03/2017 11:00 - United States - Decatur

Today, I was working at the pharmacy and had a older man come in. He was buying Viagra and, by law, we are required to ask if the patient had any questions. His lovely response was, "When you coming over so I can test this stuff out?" His wife and daughter thought it was hilarious. I could've died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 892

You deserved it 651

By whatdidimarry - 24/09/2015 23:31 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I caught my husband and the cat licking the butter together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 283

You deserved it 2 305

Awkward silence

By daughter in law - 08/11/2016 06:05 - United States

Today, my husband and I finally had the house to ourselves, so we had unusually loud sex. Banging bed, yelling obscenities, super rowdy, etc. I then see my mother-in-law out the window. She had let herself in, dropped off a bag and apparently ran out. Thanksgiving is going to be weird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 565

You deserved it 1 538

Recruitment hell

By Carlyclose - 16/06/2017 00:00

Today, I got rejected from Sephora, Walgreens, and Ulta for being OVER-qualified with a post-graduate diploma in cosmetic chemistry. Then, I got rejected from Estée Lauder, LVMH, and Proctor and Gamble for being UNDER-qualified with a post-graduate diploma in cosmetic chemistry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 401

You deserved it 389

Hungry boi

By jesstracy - 04/10/2017 09:00 - United States - Naperville

Today, I took my dog to the emergency vet at 4 in the morning because he ate something he shouldn't have. I spent hundreds of dollars on tests, all to find out he'll pass it. What did he eat? My silicon strap-on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 930

You deserved it 1 230

So clever. Wow.

By Tree - 02/02/2018 19:00

Today, my boyfriend found some noise-canceling headphones that he forgot he had. Once he adjusted them and put them on, he sat down and asked me to tell him about my day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 311

You deserved it 741

By Raspution - 28/12/2017 18:00

Today, I received my first customer complaint. A regular customer is uncomfortable because I'm always smiling and saying "see you soon". They're considering treating it as sexual harassment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 460

You deserved it 366

raspution tells us more.

raspution 21

Wednesday 27 December 2017 3:24

OP here and i work for the government apparently this will cost tax payers about 10,000 to investigate. Tax dollars at work.

By Anonymous - 11/03/2018 19:00

Today, on my way back from a family trip, my fiancé informed me via text that he'd been cheating on me for years and that he'd moved out of our house and left the state. He blocked me before I could respond. We were together for 7 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 598

You deserved it 366

By Anonymous - 05/10/2018 13:30

Today, my daughter asked me to braid her hair. When I was done, she said Daddy's girlfriend does it better. I wasn't aware we had an open marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 157

You deserved it 197

By Anonymous - 13/12/2018 15:30

Today, I’m almost six weeks pregnant. From exactly ten seconds of penetration. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 428

You deserved it 1 403

By Anonymous - 16/09/2015 17:16 - Japan

Today, I'm on vacation in Japan with my brother. When he said he could speak Japanese, I guess what he really meant that he's a dumbass weeaboo who only knows the words "kawaii", "baka", "sugoi" and a few others. He ended up offending two locals so much that they beat the shit out of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 996

You deserved it 3 375

By YourAverageFckUp - 23/08/2015 01:21 - United States - Richmond

Today, even after explaining to my boyfriend that I was self conscious about my breasts because they're slightly misshaped, he still persisted with begging me for a tit pic, saying he would still see me as beautiful. I gave in and sent one. He responded with "LOL WHAT ARE THOOOOOOSSSEE." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 592

You deserved it 14 862

YourAverageFckUp tells us more.

YourAverageFckUp 9

Wednesday 26 August 2015 1:37

OP here. First, thanks for all the support and funny comments :) no, my face wasn't in the picture. He said he did it to lighten the mood. He apologised and then surprised me by showing up at my place with flowers and chocolate to make up for it. Happy ending after all!

By ButILiveHere - 10/10/2018 03:00 - Netherlands - Voerendaal

Today, I was stopped by a cop whilst opening my front door. Apparently my house has been under investigation for being abandoned and a possible drug lab. I live alone with my cats. I knew it was sad, not that it was suspicious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 694

You deserved it 279

Invaded

By somanybirds - 25/04/2017 08:00 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, while using a doorless restroom at the beach, a pack of seagulls rushed into my stall, followed by a group of kids chasing them. I guess the noise from tearing open a pad sounded enough like a bag of chips for them to think there was food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 824

You deserved it 331

By mick - 29/04/2018 19:00

Today, on my and my wife's very first camping holiday, someone cut a hole in the tent wall while we slept and stole everything, including my keys and the car. Finally getting home, it seems the thieves got our address from the car's sat-nav and burgled the house as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 807

You deserved it 511

By Host grandfather - 21/09/2018 06:00 - United States - Tampa

Today, I took my transfer student, who I am hosting for her year of study in America, to the doctor. It turns out that she is pregnant, and my teenage son is the father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 689

You deserved it 666

Keep it down

By Anonymous - 08/11/2018 22:00

Today, my landlord sent me a text asking me to please keep it down because our loud Wednesday night sex sessions are disturbing other tenants in the building. Wednesday is my night shift every week so my wife is home alone, or at least I thought she was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 733

You deserved it 321

Law and order

By Anonymous - 01/01/2016 07:03 - United States - Reno

Today, at the age of 20, I still have a bed time. It is strictly enforced by my cat via endless meows if I am up past 11 pm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 049

You deserved it 4 630

What ARE you doing?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Today, I was so tired at the pet store I was working at that I accidentally offered a kid a dog treat instead of their dog. He ate it. While his mom watched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 375

You deserved it 1 537

More whine?

By Sonofaquiche - 30/06/2017 22:00 - Germany - Gochsheim

Today, my parents came back from their holiday and were constantly asking about "the girl I had over". They thought so because of the two wine glasses in the dishwasher. I didn't have anyone over. I just got drunk two nights in a row and was too lazy to clean the first one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 589

You deserved it 845

Sonofaquiche tells us more.

Sonofaquiche 9

Friday 30 June 2017 16:39

Hey guy and girls, OP here. As someone mentioned drinking age is different in Germany. Roughly speaking: Beer and Wine at the age of 16, the hard stuff at 18. So don't worry about me being an underage drinker ;) they probably thought so since i had someone over before, when they were gone, but always told them. They're cool with it though. Also i definitely do not have an alcohol problem. Actually i rarely drink at all. These were just two nights in a row on which i enjoyed sitting outside, looking at the sunset, listening to music and drinking a glass or two of wine. So i didn't even get drunk. Concerning the drink from the bottle tip: rest assured it will be taken into consideration for the next time :D