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By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my five year-old daughter came up to me and asked, "Mom, why are we so poor?" I replied, in a sweet motherly tone, "Honey, we're not poor." She then asked, "Then why do you dress like we are poor?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 584

You deserved it 8 378

Nice try

By UncleRory - 16/05/2009 09:13 - United States

Today, I was shopping at a supermarket. As I was about to pay for my items, I noticed the cashier was very cute. Trying to be nice, I smiled. She smiled back and said, "Hello, how are you?" Instead of saying, "I'm good" or, "I'm okay", I said, "I'm gay". FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 334

You deserved it 25 536

By retromermaid - 10/09/2014 00:16 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I received a package in the mail. It was a workout and weight-loss plan that I ordered last week. I finished an entire pizza and pint of ice-cream as I read the guidelines. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 802

You deserved it 35 487

retromermaid tells us more.

retromermaid 12

Wednesday 10 September 2014 15:38

Update: I have started the plan today, and it's been a great workout and a good meal plan so far. Thanks for the support and laughs!

By InAnAwkwardSituation - 25/08/2011 05:26 - United States

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my new college roommate holding his cock. He said "Hi I'm Jeffrey, and this is Jeffrey junior" while directing attention towards his penis. It's going to be a long semester. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 414

You deserved it 3 041

By Anonymous - 08/07/2012 21:13 - France

Today, I paid a social visit to my grandparents. While we were watching the news, a story came on about the Queen of England. I scoffed, "How is she not dead already? How old is she, anyway?" My grandmother replied, "About my age." Oops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 560

You deserved it 42 808

By Anonymous - 22/08/2011 19:35 - United States

Spicy

Today, a hooker refused my custom. According to her, "Even whores have standards." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 636

You deserved it 46 810

By disappointedjamaican - 31/08/2014 18:44 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I won a gruelling fitness competition, only to find out the mystery prize was a voucher to get 10 free spray tans. I'm black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 856

You deserved it 4 359

By ThanatosSG9 - 25/12/2016 02:57

Today, I took my car into the mechanic to have two tires and battery put in, all new. I later got a call saying they tried to start my car on the dead battery, which sparked and started a fire. It's gonna take two weeks to get the parts and it's minus 30 outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 959

You deserved it 536

By Anonymous - 28/10/2010 03:27 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up cold. The guy I had sex with last night stole my blanket. He also took everything out of my freezer, and all of my soap, shampoo, and conditioner. The number he left me was for a pizza place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 399

You deserved it 35 091

By Hannah - 13/06/2013 16:19 - Australia - Caulfield North

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend dumped me, accusing me of lying to him about "being a hermaphrodite". His almost total lack of knowledge about female anatomy led him to believe that my clitoris is actually an extremely tiny penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 400

You deserved it 6 078

By grrr1234 - 01/07/2012 16:00

Today, my daughter told me that she wanted to live with her father because they have a faster internet connection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 686

You deserved it 6 314

It hurts when I pee

By yomamma787 - 24/11/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I was outside, peeing on a cactus. Then all of a sudden my dog jumped on my back, knocking me into the cactus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 907

You deserved it 54 470

By Are you f*cking kidding me - 12/06/2013 06:10 - United States - Denver

Today, I was on my bike. As I'm rolling through an intersection, some asshat in a pickup runs the red light and hits me. Instead of getting out and helping me, the guy hops out, takes a look at me lying in the street, steals my hat and drives off. That was my favorite hat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 848

You deserved it 4 567

Apologetic

By mpsteve137 - 30/06/2012 06:21 - United States - Acworth

Spicy

Today, I realized I say "sorry" more than anything else during sex with my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 966

You deserved it 9 790

By secret dancer - 16/08/2011 16:55 - Sweden

Today, I was bored and all alone while cleaning at work. This led me to start passionately doing a ballet dance in the empty corridor. I promptly stopped as I remembered the surveillance cameras. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 470

You deserved it 11 378

By aragmir - 18/12/2016 06:10 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, while working at a nursing home, I was alone in the station and figured I could sneak one out. It wound up being very loud, and I could hear the faint snickering of a patient in the next room. Every time he saw me for the rest of the day he would burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 713

You deserved it 2 886

Upfront

By kalisa anteater - 09/06/2013 20:49 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I had to explain to my mother that a lace mini-dress with an obscene amount of cleavage was not appropriate to wear while meeting my boyfriend's parents. She called me an "annoying prude" and said that with my attitude, I don't deserve to have a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 357

You deserved it 4 949

By lonewolf2701 - 22/11/2009 09:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, my manager sent me a text message with a picture of Santa masturbating, with a message that said he wished me a white Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 592

You deserved it 4 286

Supportive and empathetic

By meltdowninrels - 15/08/2014 22:09 - New Zealand - Wellington

Spicy

Today, I found out my girlfriend has been cheating on me. When I told my sister, she just smiled, held up a closed fist, and said "Look at the number of fucks I give!" She then raised a finger, said "Oops. Finger spasm!" then lowered it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 676

You deserved it 5 189

By not_trained_for_this - 18/11/2009 06:05 - United States

Today, I was working at the school when one of the kids came crying to me about needing help with his zipper after a little "accident". Forbidden by a district ordinance to touch them in certain areas, there was nothing I could do; to which he cried and pissed his pants. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 072

You deserved it 2 945

By laurenmichela - 12/10/2015 21:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I coughed so much I threw up, then whilst recovering from throwing up, a fly flew into my mouth and I ate it. I then promptly threw up again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 652

You deserved it 2 103

Dirty mind

By FUCK YOU - 08/08/2014 21:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I put on a porno, trying to unwind after a bad day. Ten minutes in, I was so pissed off with the girl constantly repeating "You like that? Yeah?" and the cameraman's obsession with the guy's ass crack that I started yelling at the screen. Now I'm more stressed than ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 599

You deserved it 15 261

Emotional rollercoaster

By chynna - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Evansville

Today, I paid $325 to have the vet tell me that my 19-year-old cat ISN'T dying, she just had anxiety shits because we were gone on vacation for so long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 934

You deserved it 6 758

Trial and error

By superpissed - 07/12/2016 13:07 - United Kingdom - Solihull

Today, I went for a trial shift somewhere perfect for me to work. I knew loads about the place and how they worked. The trial shift went really well. Not even two hours after my shift, they rang to tell me I'd lost out to someone who swore at a customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 415

You deserved it 601

Method acting

By irishbitch - 15/11/2009 07:51

Today, I went to go see my boyfriend of over two years in a play. I knew that he'd be kissing his female opposite at the end of the show, and I was okay with that. I snuck into his dressing room at intermission to find him "rehearsing" with her half-naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 052

You deserved it 3 410

By NYeeerrr - 09/06/2019 22:00

Today, after having my Apple Watch for a year, it asked me something it has never asked me before. As I began my hike around a lake, 10 minutes in, it asked if I was starting to workout. I hit yes, and it then congratulated me on my very first workout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 626

You deserved it 747

By Anonymous - 27/05/2013 00:21 - United States - Matteson

Today, my girlfriend decided to wake me up from a nap by kissing me. I started kissing her back passionately, when she slapped me. Apparently, kissing her back automatically without "confirming her identity" counts as cheating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 384

You deserved it 4 470

By NotEnoughCleaner - 12/11/2009 17:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised I hate my cat. She has 'stress incontinence', which involved her peeing all over my house. Last week I found out she'd been peeing on my stove, and I can't clean off the smell. Now whenever I try to cook some food, the kitchen is flooded with the scent of burning cat pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 485

You deserved it 5 691

midgie tells us more.

midgie 0

Friday 13 November 2009 11:52

Oh, she's been to the vet. Lots. And apparently, unlike in humans, cat 'stress incontinence' isn't the kind where you pee when you sneeze, but the kind where you pee everywhere when you're stressed. Why is she stressed? We think she freaked out when my husband worked away from home for a few weeks. Why isn't she better - dunno! She has meds. from the vet to help her. I can't keep her out of the kitchen, due to the design of my funny, v. old, house the kitchen doesn't have a door to close it off from the rest of the house. Also her cat-flap (kitty door) is in the front door, which opens onto ...the kitchen. And she's been peeing under my bed... I've now thoroughly run out of tolerance for cat pee, hence the hatred...

Alexa, play "People = Shit" by Slipknot

By Faktafem - 19/06/2019 23:55

Today, I went to use one of the toilets at work, where once again someone had not flushed their poo. I work at an institute for higher education, and this happens on a weekly basis, even during the summer when no students are around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 668

You deserved it 116

Booksmart

By hfksorws - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff

Today, I was at Barnes and Noble with my dad, where he refused to buy me a book because I "already read too much." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 832

You deserved it 6 169

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The Top

The Top

Today, I was surfing the web for Halloween costumes, and found one labeled "Extreme Girl Nerd". With the wig, the glasses, and the buck-teeth, it looked exactly like me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 530

You deserved it 6 784

Today, I heard on the news that the average debt one is in when they graduate college is $24,000. I've been in college for one year and my debt is already $20,000. And it turns out that my school's accreditation does not exist like I was told. $20,000 in debt and no college credits to show for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 168

You deserved it 7 781

Today, while heading to the bathroom, I saw my girlfriend putting some lingerie under my bed. I stupidly thought it was for some sexy time later. Well, later on, she dramatically "found" the lingerie and broke up with me. Almost everyone believes her story and thinks I'm a dirty cheater. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 998

You deserved it 3 149

Today my dad asked if he could walk me down the aisle at my wedding. I was just too speechless to respond. He asked me on my doorstep, at 2 a.m., which was also our first ever meeting since he abandoned my mom when she was 5 months pregnant with me, and just disappeared for 28 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 567

You deserved it 95

Today, I lost my dream house because my mortgage advisor, who I literally paid to take care of the complicated legal stuff, fucked up at every stage until the seller just sold it to someone else. My advisor admitted I'm his first customer, and that he didn’t think it would be this hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 242

You deserved it 155

Today, while driving to work, some asshole stopped sharply on the 60 mph highway because he almost hit the car in front of him. Even with maintaining my distance, and slamming on the brakes, I still ruined the front end of my car on his dented bumper. I haven't even had the car for a year, and I'm still the one at fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 532

You deserved it 1 035