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By AquaRevolver - 25/05/2009 10:35 - New Zealand

Today, me and my girlfriend went paintballing. I made sure we were on the same team, so I could protect her and be manly. The first time she got shot was by me, I shot her finger. It broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 704

You deserved it 54 467

By ColderThanCold - 15/03/2019 00:00

Today, the company that was supposed to clear our apartment's parking lot never showed up. I almost got frostbite in my fingers trying to shovel someone's car out since my gloves got soaking wet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 917

You deserved it 285

By StockedWithJuice - 06/07/2013 15:14 - United States - Austin

Today, I found out that my 16-year-old son bought a huge amount of grape juice, because he thought he could store it under his bed and wait for it to turn to wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 823

You deserved it 5 340

By Anonymous - 27/07/2012 19:26 - United Kingdom - Gorebridge

Today, I was walking home from work, when a clearly homeless guy who smelled like Jimmy Hoffa's colon grabbed me, pinned me to a wall, and demanded that I hand over my "booty". I don't know whether or not I was mugged by Jack Sparrow, but either way, he's now over £100 richer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 569

You deserved it 2 442

By flying_vegan - 06/12/2009 13:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up and found that someone had taken a dump on my car. They'd apparently felt bad about it, as they'd then keyed "sorry" into the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 944

You deserved it 2 444

flying_vegan tells us more.

flying_vegan 0

Tuesday 8 December 2009 10:04

This was in Hoxton, in London...

Birthday Boy

By Anonymous - 07/04/2019 16:00

Today, it's my birthday, I received two cards, one from my mum and one from my son, that my mum gave to him to give to me. My entire family said they couldn't be bothered going out for dinner for my birthday. My two 'friends' didn't even send a card, never mind a gift or want to meet up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 356

You deserved it 283

By Gracie-Ann - 01/07/2013 06:38 - United States - Portland

Today, my fiancé paid a visit to my parents so he could ask my dad's permission to marry me. My dad responded with, "Why buy the cow when you can milk it for free?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 705

You deserved it 4 822

By WoWWidow - 02/09/2011 08:02 - United States

Today, my husband went in for surgery and handed me an important document. It wasn't a will or anything similar, but a list of items and gold he wanted passed on to guild members on World of Warcraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 969

You deserved it 4 448

Bad vibes

By Epiphany - 19/07/2012 09:01 - United States

Today, I finally realized how depressed I am when I found bubble wrap and didn't feel like popping it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 130

You deserved it 3 041

By Vive le métro - 14/03/2014 04:36 - France - Paris

Today, there was a pollution peak in Paris. In the metro, I desperately attempted to validate my pass and was waiting for the green light. I finally decided to jump over the revolving door and ridiculously failed… My roommate, the ticket inspectors and the other people laughed. The metro was free today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 583

You deserved it 188

By distressed - 05/11/2010 23:36 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend started his first day of work. After saying our goodbyes, I went into our bedroom to get changed, picked up one of my blouses and found a camera, still recording. I guess someone has major trust issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 544

You deserved it 4 110

By retromermaid - 10/09/2014 00:16 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I received a package in the mail. It was a workout and weight-loss plan that I ordered last week. I finished an entire pizza and pint of ice-cream as I read the guidelines. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 802

You deserved it 35 490

retromermaid tells us more.

retromermaid 12

Wednesday 10 September 2014 15:38

Update: I have started the plan today, and it's been a great workout and a good meal plan so far. Thanks for the support and laughs!

The FML Showdown #3!

By Louis - 05/04/2017 21:25

Who's employee of the month?

I agree, your life sucks 495

You deserved it 148

By crazy_mom - 01/11/2010 15:10 - United States

Today, a girl I like came over to my house because I'd promised to help her prepare for a math test. My mom thought it would be funny to put a stack of porn magazines and handcuffs on the table in my room when I went to open the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 687

You deserved it 4 355

Thank God it's Monday tomorrow

By Chandra - 12/05/2019 10:00 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I had to pee at work. I ended up using all the toilet paper. When I opened the door to leave, a dude was waiting to use the washroom. I told him there was no more toilet paper. He goes, “You finished all of it?” I panicked and said, “No, I didn’t use any!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 588

You deserved it 624

By disappointedjamaican - 31/08/2014 18:44 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I won a gruelling fitness competition, only to find out the mystery prize was a voucher to get 10 free spray tans. I'm black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 858

You deserved it 4 360

By ThanatosSG9 - 25/12/2016 02:57

Today, I took my car into the mechanic to have two tires and battery put in, all new. I later got a call saying they tried to start my car on the dead battery, which sparked and started a fire. It's gonna take two weeks to get the parts and it's minus 30 outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 962

You deserved it 536

Where is she now?

By RensM - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - New Zealand

Today, I went to the movies. I was sat next to a woman who talked through the film and said, "Awwww" every time she saw a primate. I went to see 'Rise of Planet of the Apes'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 964

You deserved it 3 248

By royalscenery - 27/10/2010 21:58 - Canada

Today, after discussing the side-effects of an insomnia aid, my doctor said that making a choice was naturally a difficult one, and that he would only prescribe it to me once I'd had "a good, long sleep on it". He then laughed out loud and called in the next patient. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 274

You deserved it 2 841

By Hannah - 13/06/2013 16:19 - Australia - Caulfield North

Today, my boyfriend dumped me, accusing me of lying to him about "being a hermaphrodite". His almost total lack of knowledge about female anatomy led him to believe that my clitoris is actually an extremely tiny penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 407

You deserved it 6 078

By Anonymous - 16/05/2019 22:00

Today, I learned how to sharpen a knife. I sharpened it so well that it went through my finger like a lightsaber. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 667

You deserved it 498

By Are you f*cking kidding me - 12/06/2013 06:10 - United States - Denver

Today, I was on my bike. As I'm rolling through an intersection, some asshat in a pickup runs the red light and hits me. Instead of getting out and helping me, the guy hops out, takes a look at me lying in the street, steals my hat and drives off. That was my favorite hat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 850

You deserved it 4 567

By DBR - 23/11/2009 22:12 - United States

Today, I finally received a paycheck for the first time in six months. I celebrated by promptly falling down a flight of stairs and losing consciousness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 633

You deserved it 5 078

By Anonymous - 21/05/2019 00:00

Today, I slipped and gashed my head bad enough that my head had to be shaved to be sewn up. Right after it had finished growing back from chemotherapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 103

You deserved it 138

By MeanMother - 28/06/2012 20:29 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I realized just how much of a bitch I am when I grounded my son for not telling me what he got me for my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 969

You deserved it 91 283

By Bucks9 - 07/05/2009 23:43 - United States

Today, I was shopping in the mall. A cute store worker kept checking me out, so after I picked a few things I went up to her and started flirting. After a few seconds, she cut me off and said, "Actually I was watching you because you look like someone who would shoplift." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 269

You deserved it 7 156

By aragmir - 18/12/2016 06:10 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, while working at a nursing home, I was alone in the station and figured I could sneak one out. It wound up being very loud, and I could hear the faint snickering of a patient in the next room. Every time he saw me for the rest of the day he would burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 716

You deserved it 2 887

Upfront

By kalisa anteater - 09/06/2013 20:49 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I had to explain to my mother that a lace mini-dress with an obscene amount of cleavage was not appropriate to wear while meeting my boyfriend's parents. She called me an "annoying prude" and said that with my attitude, I don't deserve to have a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 361

You deserved it 4 951

By RatCityChick - 27/06/2012 17:18 - United States - Bellevue

Today, my grandmother said she's noticed that I've been very angry lately. She came to the conclusion that I "haven't been laid enough" and my boyfriend is "not doing his job." Thanks Grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 492

You deserved it 4 901

Patsy

By Anonymous - 28/04/2022 12:00

Today, my brother ran in, handed me a spatula, and told me to stand still. Barely a second later, our sister came tearing in the house with a fresh, raised welt on her ass cheek in the shape of said spatula, saw me holding said spatula, and kicked my ass up and down the house until I escaped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 994

You deserved it 180

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The Top

Today, I was planning on breaking up with my girlfriend of five years in two days time. She just mailed me a care package that said, "I'd die without you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 814

You deserved it 13 654

Today, at work, I had to use the bathroom to urinate. It's basically in an open plan office, so everyone can hear absolutely everything. After successfully and discreetly doing my business, I noticed a bit of dirt on the wall. I gave it a rub with my thumb on the smooth tile. It sounded exactly like a loud fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 275

You deserved it 372

Today, I was singing my heart out in the shower, convinced I was alone. Turns out my roommate had friends over, and they could hear everything through the bathroom vent. Now, they keep requesting encore performances of my renditions of songs by The Smiths. FML

I agree, your life sucks 377

You deserved it 176

Today, I was simply trying to fix my skateboard wheels with my pocket knife. The tip suddenly broke off, leaving me horrified. It was my favorite knife, which I inherited from my dad who abandoned me when I was 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 340

You deserved it 407

Today, after we finished making my 6 year-old daughter a net to catch an injured baby bird, when she went out to catch it she witnessed a stray cat catch and eat it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 673

You deserved it 165

Today, I found out that the little arrow next to my gas gauge actually points to the side of the car where the tank is. For the past year-and-a-half I've been sticking my head out the window and even calling my parents to ask which side it was on, because I can never remember. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 279

You deserved it 51 362