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Good one, mom

By hairdresser - 18/10/2009 15:27 - Thailand

Today, my mum started yelling at me for leaving scissors on my desk, which my five year-old sister found and chopped all her hair off. She had a lump of hair as proof. After three minutes of her yelling, me crying and apologizing, she laughed and said she was joking. She'd just given my sister a haircut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 083

You deserved it 5 226

Stacy's mom…

By Anonymous - 24/06/2011 17:00 - United States

Today, my mom decided to do something new and borrowed some of my clothes. She's currently wearing a very small pair of short shorts and a very tight tank top. We're going to a very prestigious golf course and she won't change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 305

You deserved it 4 994

Don't out people, people

By Anonymous - 26/08/2019 00:01 - United States - New York

Today, I caught my half-sister stealing money from her mother's purse. Rather than risk getting in trouble, she told her uber-conservative mother that I've been seeing a girl. So now, I'm grounded for being gay, and she gets off the hook for stealing because she outed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 313

You deserved it 226

By Anonymous - 22/06/2011 05:35 - United States

Today, it was my first day at my new job. My new boss asked me if I was single. After telling him I have been happily married for 6 years, he fired me on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 096

You deserved it 3 939

By Heartbroken - 20/06/2011 02:17 - United States

Today, I spent 2 hours making the perfect card for my dad for Father's Day. When I handed it to him, he smiled and said "Thank you" and then killed a fly with it. I found it in the trash a couple of hours later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 395

You deserved it 4 311

Tonight, on First Dates…

By James C - 18/04/2012 08:48 - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Today, I was on a first date. She asked what I do, so I replied, "I create adverts." She then yelled, "F**k you" and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 327

You deserved it 4 629

By keepmouthshut - 12/10/2009 02:20 - United States

Today, my wife asked me if she looked cute in a new dress that she bought earlier today. I told her that she almost looks like a supermodel. Appearantly "almost" doesn't cut it. Guess who's sleeping on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 044

You deserved it 12 841

Great parenting

By VeryLoved - 28/04/2021 19:01 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, after a year of staying at home, I finally went out. I had a panic attack and couldn't breathe, so my mum decided to scream at me and slap me so I'd become "normal". FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 124

You deserved it 267

By OL2R - 17/04/2012 08:29 - United States - Somerville

Today, my best friend texted me saying she is determined to find out what skank her brother is sneaking around with. I've been secretly dating her brother for months; apparently I'm the skank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 103

You deserved it 39 316

It Wasn't Me, by Shaggy

By itwasntme - 07/09/2019 16:00

Today, we found out my brother in law cheated on my sister. Somehow they’ve blamed me for the whole incident. I don’t know the guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 808

You deserved it 141

Pros and cons

By Anonymous - 27/06/2022 12:00

Spicy

Today, I realised that I can't orgasm if I don't relax enough to let myself fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 916

You deserved it 239

Slogging for nothing

By JoannaG25 - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Netherlands

Today, I was told that in order to be considered for more jobs, I should remove my college degree from my resume. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 246

You deserved it 4 081

Reign of terror

By scared shitless - 14/07/2022 04:00

Today, I've been getting terrifying threats all day. Why? I broke up with my girlfriend and turned her in to the police after she and her friends shared their plan to firebomb a church during Sunday school. I didn't know I was dating a terrorist. I might need a new identity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 238

You deserved it 116

By Lolrus - 28/03/2009 16:50 - Qatar

Today, I was jogging through my neighborhood and then I notice this cute guy running beside me, we stoped and flirted for a while and my mom drove past. She then rolled down the window and said "Honey, you owe me for the dry cleaning on your period pants." FML

I agree, your life sucks 103 222

You deserved it 5 771

Dream baby dream

By CJ. - 05/05/2021 14:01 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I had to babysit a 9 year-old girl. I hadn't slept for almost 40 hours and fell half-asleep while sitting on her couch for two minutes. She asked me something, but I thought it was a dream and answered with, "Your mom's a hoe." When I woke up, I realized I'd said it out loud instead of in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 396

You deserved it 1 392

By whykarma - 26/03/2013 21:17 - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my German Shepherd decided to bark at, then attack, a painted rock. At least I know I'm protected from inanimate objects. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 939

You deserved it 3 504

Heartwarming

By mahlee - 06/10/2009 04:32 - United States

Today, my college roomate and I received our first pieces of mail. We were very excited because our mailbox wasn't empty anymore. She got a package of home baked cookies in the mail from her family. I got a letter from a stranger in prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 477

You deserved it 3 739

By nomorebeard - 25/03/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, I was shaving off my beard for the first time in a very long time. I decided to have a little fun with it, and shaved my beard first into a goatee, then a handle-bar, then, finally, into a Hitler mustache. My electric razor dies. I don't have a normal one or an extra battery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 203

You deserved it 87 564

By Anonymous - 21/03/2013 10:43 - United States - Kalamazoo

Today, there was a new girl in one of my classes. We both corrected a classmate on his grammar, so, trying to make a new friend, I leaned back to her and said, "Haha, fellow Grammar Nazi?" She gave me a disgusted look and told me she was Jewish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 363

You deserved it 21 855

By anonymous - 20/03/2013 05:42 - United States

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I started singing and harmonizing with the vacuum cleaner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 266

You deserved it 4 741

By anonymous - 08/06/2011 16:47 - United States

Today, while in class, I desperately had to fart. Someone in the room had a coughing fit, so I took that as the chance to let it out. When I was about to release, the coughing stopped. I couldn't stop in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 644

You deserved it 43 533

Deliverance

By Anonymous - 19/09/2019 20:00

Today, while at my family reunion, I learned my grandparents were first cousins. No wonder we're all crazy hillbillies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 617

You deserved it 165

By FootInMouth - 01/10/2009 13:19 - Australia

Today, I walked into my brother's house to see him unshaven and still in pyjamas eating ice-cream straight from the tub. I said jokingly, "You're lucky you have your wife, no one else could love you." His wife had just told him she was leaving him for her orthodontist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 392

You deserved it 14 244

So_Yeah tells us more.

So_Yeah 0

Thursday 1 October 2009 23:30

OP, mhm, actually. Me and my brothers joke around like that all the time, we're close enough to mess with each other and not let it bother us. And his wife (uhm, soon to be ex), I always thought, was one of the sweetest people in the world, so I never expected this. Yus, my foot is firmly in my mouth, and Imma leave it there a while so I don't say anything else stupid any time soon -.-

Odorama

By wellonheels - 01/10/2019 15:54

Today, at work in a clinic, I went in to clean a treatment room. For some reason, it smelled like rotten meat, which made me gag. I sprayed some air freshener. Now it smells like rotten meat and air freshener. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 612

You deserved it 318

wellonheels tells us more.

wellonheels 7

Tuesday 1 October 2019 15:37

My first published FML! Yay! Sorry folks, no windows to open, and not enough air freshener at the time to use more on that one room. Sometimes, people just smell. Bad. And that was the case. I think the patient must have had meat juice on his clothes or something. Maybe he works for a butcher. I'll have to ask if he comes in again. In the meantime, I'm having the boss order more (industrial strength) air odor eliminator. I think I'll be needing it if he comes back... *sigh*

By Anonymous - 11/03/2013 21:52 - United States - Lake Dallas

Spicy

Today, thinking my girlfriend had left her little black thong in the dryer to tease me, I sent her a picture of me seductively posing with it. She didn't text back, but a few hours later my 16 year old daughter asked if she'd left anything in the dryer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 565

You deserved it 53 306

Mommy milkers

By Anonymous - 30/09/2009 05:17 - Malaysia

Today, we ran out of milk and my 4 year-old son came up to me and asked if he could "milk" my wife's breasts for his cereal. Apparently, he thinks my wife doesn't love him and his sister is selfish for not sharing her milk. His sister is only one month old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 178

You deserved it 4 269

Power move

By Anonymous - 30/09/2019 22:02

Today, I was walking my girlfriend to class when my friend came by and playfully punched me in the arm. Trying not to look like a wimp, I turned around to hit him in the arm. Instead, I ended up punching a girl in the face. Now my girlfriend won't talk to me and I'm suspended. FML

I agree, your life sucks 728

You deserved it 1 815

The rest of us had already figured this out

By Anonymous - 21/05/2021 05:01 - United Kingdom - Bolton

Today, after reading more FMLs than I'd care to count, I think I've finally realised that the world isn't made up up of mostly competent and intelligent people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 696

You deserved it 175

Friends

By sandyc - 23/05/2021 22:01

Today, I just got my first period. My mother has been dead for years and my stepmother genuinely wishes I was dead, so who am I supposed to tell? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 342

You deserved it 74

By bonbon789 - 27/03/2014 18:10 - United States

Today, I wanted to eat my last bowl of sugary cereal before starting my new diet. I fell down the stairs with the full bowl in hand. Message received, universe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 663

You deserved it 8 097

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

The Top

Today, I had a sneezing fit in the middle of the night, like 10 really great big sneezes, but then it was over and I went back to sleep. I got up this morning and turned the light on, and turns out I’d been sneezing blood over everything, the bed, walls, carpet, furniture, clothes, everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 617

You deserved it 85

Today, I was eating a brownie my grandmother had made, only to discover an inch long piece of what resembled dead skin in the middle of it. This discovery was only made after taking a bite and wondering why the consistency was wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 162

You deserved it 2 483

Today, while reading out loud in front of my entire class and teacher, I learned that I can't pronounce the word 'success'. It came out as 'sex', and when I tried to correct myself more slowly (multiple times), it came out 'sexsex'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 957

You deserved it 1 220

Today, I thought about how my dad went to get me a Halloween costume and hasn't come home yet. That was 11 years ago. We've moved twice since then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 748

You deserved it 2 953

Today, I woke up to shuffling noises coming from downstairs. Suspecting the worst, I jumped out of bed, and whispered over my shoulder for my girlfriend to stay quiet. Only after going downstairs and taking a swing in the dark with my bat did I figure out it was just my girlfriend foraging for snacks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 760

You deserved it 26 543

Today, while trying to quietly sneak a midnight snack with my girlfriend, I was slowly opening the pantry door so I wouldn't wake my mother. My girlfriend came and swung open the door onto my foot, taking the top layer of skin with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 447

You deserved it 5 204