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By Anonymous - 30/04/2013 18:24 - United States - Pompton Plains

Spicy

Today, I got home from work and found my girlfriend waiting for me in some skimpy lingerie. She ended up pushing me onto the bed, and as I lay there, expecting to be pleasured, she pulled out a pair of adult-sized footsie pajamas and dressed me in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 036

You deserved it 8 465

By Anonymous - 19/06/2014 14:33 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, I was feeling unappreciated and asked my boyfriend if he loves me. He faltered and replied, "Uh, my dick does." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 727

You deserved it 8 444

By TrueScotsman - 29/10/2009 14:31 - United States

Today, I wore my kilt to the university I attend. Getting tired of the stares which I was receiving, I yelled "It's cause its too big to fit in my pants". As soon as the words left my mouth, a gust of wind came and blew my kilt up around my waist, revealing that my previous claim was untrue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 996

You deserved it 57 435

By hopeless - 07/10/2016 20:28 - United States - Annandale On Hudson

Today, I confessed my feelings to the only man I've ever loved. He asked me for dating advice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 387

You deserved it 818

By Yellowsmellow - 22/09/2016 17:57 - Canada - Windsor

Today, and for the past two weeks, the people living directly above me have decided to add rearranging their furniture to their daily routines. Not only that but apparently, 6 a.m. is the most optimal time for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 390

You deserved it 701

By JohnB - 20/10/2009 00:43 - United States

Spicy

Today, I discovered that nothing kills a wet dream faster than a kitten who pounces on things that wiggle under the blanket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 884

You deserved it 4 231

Another one?

By Anonymous - 27/04/2012 15:24 - United States

Today, I found out the guy I've been crushing on for many years thinks he's a werewolf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 946

You deserved it 4 870

Classy

By bkay26 - 29/08/2010 15:37 - United States

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my mom giving my dad head. Acting like I hadn't seen anything, I asked if I could use a towel sitting on the dresser. My mom said, "No, we're going to need that one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 844

You deserved it 7 670

By forreal - 23/08/2019 02:00

Today, my boyfriend called me in tears because the love of his life has decided to move on with another man. He is currently on his way over to cry on my shoulder about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 942

You deserved it 411

By fmypaint - 14/10/2009 09:31 - United States

Today, I was vigorously putting primer on my canvas for a beginning painting class. I accidentally sprayed specks of primer on the very dark painting to the right of mine. The painter is in an advanced class. She's been working on this one all semester. There's no one to her right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 606

You deserved it 35 387

By inseriouspain - 22/08/2010 21:20 - United States

Today, I popped a zit and I went to put my acne medicine on it. It's in a clear bottle with a blue cap, just like the nearby nailpolish remover. I grabbed the wrong one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 485

You deserved it 14 590

Excuuuuuuuuse me!

By LadySteveMartin - 02/04/2013 00:18 - United States - Woonsocket

Spicy

Today, I finally had the best sex I've ever had with this really hot guy I've been hanging out with lately. I thought everything was all well and good until he turned to me and said, "You know, your orgasm face kinda reminds me of Steve Martin, but in a good way." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 304

You deserved it 8 547

Kinda weird

By god - 29/04/2014 18:48 - United Kingdom - Livingston

Spicy

Today, while at a restaurant with my husband for our 4-year anniversary, he kept behaving strangely, breathing deeply and eventually sighing happily. I thought the wine had just gone to his head. Nope; he proudly admitted later that he'd jerked off without anyone noticing, even me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 403

You deserved it 5 581

And you ask find yourself, "Well, how did I get here?"

By soontobesingle - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Sherborne

Today, my husband called me, saying he was in the hospital with a friend who'd just broken his arm. Too bad I then heard a female voice in the background mutter, "She'll never buy that". FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 068

You deserved it 4 424

By Voice29 - 26/03/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, I bought my girlfriend two tickets to a Broadway show that was coming through town she really wanted to see. I couldn't attend with her due to work so she said she would take her mom. I found out later she took her ex. Now they're back together, and I paid for the date that made it happen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 180 126

You deserved it 24 848

By Anonymous - 12/06/2011 06:37 - United States

Today, my apartment burned to the ground. I was packed and ready to move out tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 729

You deserved it 3 357

By Anonymous - 05/10/2017 21:45 - Nigeria

Today, I scored the winning goal for a tournament. Too bad it was for the opposition team. If only looks could kill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 593

You deserved it 830

By Spooprfailed - 08/04/2014 05:32 - Canada - Winnipeg

Spicy

Today, things were getting heated with the girlfriend. We were mostly naked, but mostly wouldn't do, so I kissed her deeply and whispered into her ear, "You should lose some weight". Clothes. I meant to say clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 443

You deserved it 65 840

Spooprfailed tells us more.

Spooprfailed 7

Wednesday 9 April 2014 21:42

Hello folks. Just wanted to clear up a few misconceptions! 1) My girlfriend is both beautiful and very fit. Which is incredibly lucky about me because... 2) We laughed hysterically about it for a while, since it was just such a ridiculous thing to come out of my mouth. The mood WAS ruined for a little while (but not for too long ;) she's THAT awesome), but we've been laughing about it ever since. I am very happy not single (despite my scumbag brain's best efforts). And for anyone who things this reply sounds as if I had a gun to my head and was writing whatever my gf told me to... please call 911

By ohgod... - 02/04/2012 02:18 - Canada - Magog

Spicy

Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, he called me "Mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 241

You deserved it 3 445

Corporate

By crap - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was fired from my job for breaking my company's tattoo policy. I have a small scar on my wrist that roughly resembles a heart. My boss insists that it's one of those white ink tattoos. No one will believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 814

You deserved it 2 695

Totally worth it

By Charity Taylor - 05/10/2019 18:00

Today, after 8 years of being guinea-pigged for medical testing that "might work" on my ribcage for chronic pain, I finally caved and tried going to a pain clinic. The doctors' responses mostly consisted of, "That's weird" and, "That doesn't make any sense." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 605

You deserved it 123

By Anonymous - 26/03/2012 01:10 - United States

Today, I woke up in jail charged with a DWI. I wasn't drinking last night and the only thing I remember is taking my prescription sleep medicine and lying down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 393

You deserved it 2 590

Economy class

By Anonymous - 09/10/2019 02:01

Today, my wife and I moved into our new place. I'm recovering from back surgery and out of work. To help make up the rent, her boyfriend moved in too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 076

You deserved it 415

By Cody - 07/03/2009 18:15 - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen and accidentally broke my mother's vase. I said, "Accidents happen." She replied, "Yeah, like your birth." FML

I agree, your life sucks 104 116

You deserved it 21 197

By Scarlett - 16/02/2013 06:03 - Canada - Barrie

Today, while I was babysitting, the little girl wanted to show me a picture that her mom had just sent to the family iPad via iMessage. Trying to be helpful, I clicked iMessage, only to see pictures of her father's erect penis. She won't stop asking about the "hotdog" in the picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 852

You deserved it 3 613

By h4rdy - 09/03/2012 16:55 - United States

Today, I was the 10th caller on a radio show. I answered the question correctly. The DJ informed I won a free air guitar of my choosing. I yelled with excitement over the air. The DJ then instructed me how to use my new air guitar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 205

You deserved it 37 165

Oh, hi Sharon!

By graveyard-sh*t - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend showed up at my new job to, "Keep an eye on me." The same ex-girlfriend who has been stalking me since we broke up. Two years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 392

You deserved it 268

Let it all hang out

By Anonymous - 20/06/2021 14:01 - Germany

Today, my mom was pulling up weeds on the terrace while wearing gardening gloves. Why is that worth mentioning? Because that's literally all she was wearing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 164

You deserved it 110

By coppervains - 22/02/2014 18:13 - United States - Livonia

Spicy

Today, I bought a new bra and panties and modeled them for my boyfriend. I thought he liked them, until mid-way through feeling me up, he decided he'd rather give me a massive wedgie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 795

You deserved it 8 208

Impossible relationship

By Anonymous - 05/11/2019 16:30

Today, I had another dinner with the girl that I started dating a few weeks ago. During dinner, we talked about our families. We realized that we're actually cousins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 949

You deserved it 215

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Today, I went to the movies. A really cute girl sat beside me. I tried to strike up a conversation with her until she turned to look at me and I realized he was a guy. I couldn't even finish the movie because I felt his judging eyes burn holes into me the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 760

You deserved it 6 792

Today, I used an air freshener in my room to make it smell good. At first, the smell was pretty pleasant. However, by the time it'd "soaked in" it smelled just like weed. My whole room stinks of it, and now my mum is convinced I've been smoking pot in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 191

You deserved it 3 837

Today, it's been a while since I've been looking for a job. Too bad most companies are closing down and ordering people to work from home because of the Coronavirus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 937

You deserved it 222

Today, a few days within moving back in with my mother, I received sympathy flowers for my deceased son. They were from my ex-neighbor, the bitch who was supposed to be watching him but instead decided to have sex with my soon to be ex-husband in the house while my son drowned in the pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 172

You deserved it 150

Today, a customer violently ranted how people in Latin America are "nothing but filth" compared to the “clean, civilized” people of "Anglo countries like Australia and New Zealand." All because I told him that flash photography is not permitted. If that’s not bad enough, the police were unwilling to do anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 772

You deserved it 157

Today, after getting fed up with my girlfriend ignoring me about drinking caffeine while carrying my baby, I tried to fix it by secretly switching her coffee with decaf. Apparently she found out, before telling me she’s leaving me for someone “less controlling.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 144

You deserved it 882