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By Gwayhir - 19/11/2008 04:58 - France

Today, I was making love with my girlfriend and my landline rang. Obviously, I let it go to voicemail. At the very moment I was about to cum, I heard my mum's voice on my voicemail: "Hi sweetheart!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 115

You deserved it 4 932

By mirandatheunicorn - 17/10/2018 12:00

Today, I was having a beautiful lucid dream when a telemarketer called at 5AM, waking me up. I silenced my phone and went back to sleep, and was somehow able to resume my lucid dream. Then my phone vibrated me awake. It was the same telemarketer, this time calling at 7AM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 281

You deserved it 281

By Anonymous - 16/01/2010 16:44 - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to my amazing boyfriend. As we were getting dressed, I realized I had lost my bra. After intense searching I finally found it and put it on. It wasn't mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 851

You deserved it 4 244

By Lisa - 28/10/2018 22:00

Today, I was turned down for a job because they thought I lied about having a six-month internship. Why? The secretary I told off for stealing my lunch every single day told them she hadn't heard of me, and the new company won't listen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 626

You deserved it 314

Great move

By TheGreatAndPowerfulDerp - 13/09/2020 05:02

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. Knowing how much more it would cost in the long run, I handed the officer my license with $300 in cash, "as something to consider for just a warning." He came back with a ticket and verbally warned me that police bribery is a felony. He kept the money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 457

You deserved it 4 180

By Robert Herrin - 31/10/2018 13:30

Today, being the man of the house, I decided to work on the car. Long story short, there's a towel in my transmission. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 341

You deserved it 2 301

By Jeweler - 26/06/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, my mom put some bubblewrap on my desk because she thought I would have fun with it. I'm 18. It was awesome. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 643

You deserved it 43 708

By ktm1313 - 26/01/2016 21:38 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I donated blood for the first time. It wasn't until I passed out on the ice during hockey practice that I remembered the nurse warning me not to do any type of exercise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 848

You deserved it 20 071

By Embarrassed - 22/08/2013 04:40 - United States - Gloucester

Today, I was playing Charades with my boyfriend's family. When it was his turn, he pointed at me. His mother said "Bitch?" The answer was "relationship". FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 838

You deserved it 4 355

Time out

By sadandmad - 20/01/2016 16:09 - United States - Bonita Springs

Today, my husband took a pill to make him last longer in bed. He did last longer. He went from 5 minutes to 7. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 188

You deserved it 2 949

Not so smooth criminal

By Anonymous - 14/08/2013 09:11 - United States - Sanford

Today, I was visiting my cousin's farm. Going out for a morning stroll, I took an apple with me to munch along the way. As I was eating it, I heard a distant thumping sound and was suddenly slammed into the ground. When I looked up, a horse was eating my apple. I got mugged by a horse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 352

You deserved it 6 868

By TooFlamingHot - 14/01/2016 02:08 - Australia - Ashfield

Today, I arrived at the kennels I work in to find the power disconnected and the water pump off. This meant I had to bucket water and carry it to keep over sixty assorted dogs and cats alive in temperatures over 90 degrees. The moment I finished, the power came back on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 899

You deserved it 1 517

By TabbyCat87 - 13/01/2016 00:16 - United States - Lamar

Today, my mom informed me she got married two weeks ago. Hard to congratulate her when this is her eighth husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 637

You deserved it 1 478

By Oh-Shit! - 10/08/2013 15:23 - United States

Today, while at a private lake, my colon declared a state of evacuation. I ventured as far from my family as my sphincter would allow, only to make eye contact with two very horrified kayakers mid-explosion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 223

You deserved it 5 499

By krfenton8 - 11/01/2016 06:49

Today, I had a bad feeling about walking to work because of the weather. Instead, I drove. My car slid on the ice and I created a four-car pile up. All three of the other people involved have decided to sue me. I should've walked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 606

You deserved it 4 112

Mission successful

By Anonymous - 07/02/2022 22:00

Today, my girlfriend and I did a 69 for the first time and I was on the bottom. When she orgasmed, not only did she fart, a bit of poo came out with the fart, and actually went up my nose. I’ve gone through a whole box of tissues blowing my nose, but I can still smell it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 991

You deserved it 313

By rtrim29 - 26/12/2009 16:18 - United States

Today, I was told by 'Seventeen' to add liquid highlighter to my foundation for an all-over glow. Little did I know that liquid highlighter is an actual makeup product. I now have an awful rash due to applying the ink from a highlighter pen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 740

You deserved it 93 802

By leftout - 25/12/2015 05:51 - United States - Whitney

Today, I spent the holiday with my husband's big family. They suggested we take a family picture, but two people were purposely left out of it. I was one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 299

You deserved it 1 664

By Uneducated - 26/01/2019 20:00

Today, my dad informed me that I’d not be progressing into next year’s class because it’s a waste of money. But it’s fine because my twin will be learning for the both of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 675

You deserved it 195

Inappropriate

By Anonymous - 28/02/2019 18:00 - United States - University

Today, I went to take a shower, but forgot my towel and dorm key in my room. After my shower, I had to run down to the front desk butt-naked, using only a shampoo bottle as cover, and ask for a temporary key. The person running the front desk was my ex-girlfriend’s current boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 192

You deserved it 1 124

By whitnayfortooh - 04/12/2015 18:26 - United States - Hampton

Today, I was trying to get a piece of apple that was stuck in between my teeth. A chunk of my tooth came out instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 365

You deserved it 2 383

whitnayfortooh tells us more.

whitnayfortooh 29

Saturday 5 December 2015 2:50

I grind my teeth pretty violently at night which caused the chip. Not bad dental hygiene ;)

Ouch or ouch?

By chronic - 12/03/2017 02:00

Today, I'm on opioids due to severe pelvic pain. Taking them makes me constipated and increases my pain, which leads to taking more painkillers. I can choose to be in agony and the possibility of pooping, or be in slightly less pain and completely bunged up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 961

You deserved it 490

By ihateithere - 25/03/2019 20:00

Today, I had to decide between buying medicine and buying food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 724

You deserved it 230

By Iamlonesometonight - 26/03/2017 18:47

Today, my now-ex dumped me at a house party, which I then couldn't leave, as all my things were at his house, where I was meant to be staying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 339

You deserved it 344

Cats being weird little dudes

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Canada - Calgary

Today, I discovered that one of our cats is super creepy. He humps the blankets on my mother's bed while staring at her while she's sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 335

You deserved it 3 805

Ouch

By kb123 - 05/05/2019 20:00

Today, I'm visiting my wife's home country for the first time. To avoid the spicy street food, I bought something labelled "Fruit salad" from a street vendor. I didn't know even Pakistani fruit salad can be very spicy too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 961

You deserved it 367

Keeper

By Loopy - 07/05/2019 06:00 - Belgium

Today, I had to buy more supplies for the cat my friend asked me to pet sit for 2 weeks. Her 2-week vacation ended over 3 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 061

You deserved it 485

By apparentlybutch - 05/09/2014 21:11 - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, I asked out the girl I really like. She turned me down, saying that she's a lesbian. That'd be fine, if I were a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 239

You deserved it 4 582

By mydadforgetsme - 04/11/2015 17:26 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my dad forgot it's my birthday. When I told him about it, he accused me of lying and threatened to ground me for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 707

You deserved it 1 474

Are men OK?

By wtf bro?! - 07/05/2019 12:00

Today, I got a Facebook message from a guy from my old school. I didn’t remember him, but I replied anyway. When I checked my phone after work, I had 73 new messages that went from, “How have you been?” to, “Fuck you ugly cockteasing whore,” and ended with, “You better hope I don’t catch you!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 517

You deserved it 194

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The Top

Today, my dad came to pick me up. It would have been nicer if he'd had his clothes on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 856

You deserved it 1 976

Today, my 400 pound roommate brought home a 400 pound guy. Now there's 800 pounds of sex going on in the next room, and it sounds like the invasion of Normandy in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 045

You deserved it 7 449

Today, for my two month anniversary, my boyfriend surprised me with a "present". He then lifted his pant leg. He had carved my initials into his leg with a knife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 588

You deserved it 5 356

Today, my grandpa told me that he and grandma had an open relationship, because, "it isn't satisfying to have sexuality with only one person your whole life.” According to grandma, he just cheated on her constantly and she couldn’t do anything to stop him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 197

You deserved it 160

Today, I found I’m pregnant. I hooked up with my ex when my now boyfriend and I had broken up for a week. My ex doesn’t want kids. It’s most likely my ex's kid. My boyfriend has now proposed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 371

You deserved it 2 943

Today, after sexting with my wife for the whole day, I came home to a dark house due to a blackout. Being horny, I went in and started humping her from the back. She screamed. It was my mom who came to supply candles during the blackout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 782

You deserved it 2 572