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Brain worms

By smooth - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my coworker pointed to our nervous new intern and asked who he was. I jokingly said, "Can't you tell? He's our new slave." I then quickly realized how bad that sounded, given the intern is black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 891

You deserved it 19 130

By SoSexy - 07/10/2012 10:25 - United States - Stockton

Today, my boyfriend discovered that if he pulls out during doggy-style and rubs my clit with the tip of his penis, he will be rewarded with a queef. He found it hilarious and tested it out 5 more times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 728

You deserved it 7 170

SoSexy_fml tells us more.

SoSexy_fml 11

Sunday 7 October 2012 22:09

Hey guys! This is the OP. 1) I honestly don't know, my boyfriend suggested we try filling up a tire with them. 2) Albeit being a bit embarrassed, it was actually quite hilarious for both of us. We're both in our 20s, but we still laugh at bodily functions, immature as that is. That, and I can't exactly see what's happening behind there.

Use your powers wisely

By Levi2411 - 21/11/2018 17:30

Today, I jokingly told my mother to "go fall down a hole" during a mock argument we always have. Not even 10 minutes later, our basement stairs gave out. When I said that, I didn't want her to break both her arms or to actually fall into a gaping hole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 928

You deserved it 485

By Vlad - 21/11/2018 13:30

Today, my uncle is on vacation with his friend, who sent us a video of their hotel room. He captured a glimpse of my uncle in the shower. Naked. This can't be unseen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 062

You deserved it 306

By Helpful Smile - 26/01/2016 02:56 - United States - Bettendorf

Today, my boss used our communal notebook to bitch out our entire department for not leaving a note notifying her that one of the machines was down. She wrote it on the same page as the note I left saying that one of the machines was down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 764

You deserved it 1 235

List of sins

By Anonymous - 28/01/2022 04:58

Today, I found out the girl I’ve been seeing, and having lots of kinky sex with, I’m talking "confess to a priest or take to your grave" kind of kinky, is actually my cousin who moved abroad when she was two years-old, and only just recently moved back here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 536

You deserved it 405

By notsofriendly - 06/11/2014 20:15 - United States - Austin

Today, a character in the video game I was playing called my character a slut. My boyfriend ripped the controller from my hands, shot him dead, then fired the rest of my ammo into his corpse while yelling "FUCK YOU, BUDDY!" Good to know I'm dating a total lunatic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 814

You deserved it 7 843

Captain Jack

By Anonymous - 11/08/2012 22:22 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I had a chat with my husband, and I convinced him to try being more spontaneous to spice up our sex life. This evening, he burst into our bedroom with an eyepatch on, and "seductively" growled, "I'm gonna slay your pussy, wench." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 430

You deserved it 43 653

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated

By Ghost - 14/12/2009 21:21 - United States

Today, I was at my 10-year high school reunion. I saw the girl I used to have a BIG crush on, so I decided to go over and say hi. She screamed when she saw me. Then she started hitting me, looking panicked. I calmed her down and asked why she hit me. She says, "Everyone thought you were dead"' FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 869

You deserved it 2 815

By Anonymous - 26/02/2017 03:45 - Canada

Today, I had to explain to a customer that she couldn't use the bathroom while going through the drive-thru. I still don't understand what exactly she had in mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 835

You deserved it 441

By Anonymous - 10/12/2015 05:29 - Australia - Perth

Today, while working as a barista, a customer asked me for "gluten free milk". When I told her that most milk is gluten free, she flew into a fit of rage and cussed me out for being a "cheeky bitch". My manager then lectured me about not being "patronising" to customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 697

You deserved it 2 728

By Anonymous - 04/03/2017 00:00

Today, my biology teacher asked the class a question, so I raised my hand and after I gave my answer, my teacher said, "You know, you have a voice for radio. It's very deep." I replied with "Do I? Thanks!" He added, "You also have the face for radio." The whole class laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 332

You deserved it 604

By finalyearsofhate - 13/03/2017 22:00

Today, my son took a nap quietly for the first time ever. As I went to wake him up, I realized why. A previously poop-filled diaper came flying at me when I opened the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 321

You deserved it 567

By :-O - 14/04/2019 12:00

Today, I came home from work early only to find my naked roommate in the living room with his ass in the air. Apparently, he was doing an experiment to see if you can launch a ball of tissue paper into the air by placing it on your bare anus and farting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 113

You deserved it 224

Sneaky

By Username - 31/08/2011 07:36 - United States

Today, my dad told me I'm no longer allowed to see my boyfriend. Apparently there is a deer camera above my driveway that snaps pictures whenever it senses movement. Too bad I didn't know that when I was giving my boyfriend head in the driveway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 403

You deserved it 60 177

OK Gus

By MartianTom - 14/04/2017 14:00 - United States - Evanston

Today, the maintenance man for my building fixed my leaky sink. As he headed out the door, I said, "Thanks, Gus!" He turned around and said matter-of-factly, "My name is Eli." I've been addressing him as "Gus" for the past year and a half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 928

You deserved it 1 326

By shakira, when the walls fell - 23/10/2015 18:56 - Canada

Today, thanks to pregnancy hormones, I cried my eyes out for hours over the guy who dumped me 9 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 577

You deserved it 2 990

By Degueusement - 18/08/2014 04:48 - France - Puteaux

Today, to spice things up, my boyfriend suggested we wear disguises. Amused by the idea, I accepted. That's how I ended up having sex with Gandalf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 832

You deserved it 11 029

Bad news

By Drew - 01/06/2019 18:00

Today, I was sitting at home when the police knocked on my door. They came inside, sat me down and told me that both my parents died in a car crash tonight. I started to cry, but about 10 minutes later, I find out they had the wrong person. I feel bad for the other guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 843

You deserved it 130

By lemonchips - 12/10/2015 21:28 - Norway

Today, in class I was teaching 6 year olds about the difference between short and tall, and I asked them how they could see that I was shorter than the other teacher. One of them raised their hand and said it was because I'm fatter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 462

You deserved it 2 991

By Electric Eddy - 22/05/2017 00:00

Today, I got up at 2:30 a.m. to catch an early flight home. I was tired and drowsy and took a quick shower to wake me up. Two minutes in, the water turned scalding hot on all settings. I ended up having to rinse my hair with bottles of sparkling water from the hotel minibar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 271

You deserved it 382

By Z - 06/11/2016 23:33 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, at work, I had to explain to a customer that she can't connect her tablet to her home WiFi while she's at work. I went to MIT for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 764

You deserved it 820

By kp. - 03/09/2015 16:30 - United States

Today, my mom called me a druggie after she found out I smoked weed once. She's now threatening to sell my car, tell my boss, and ban me from seeing my fiancée. I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 313

You deserved it 3 938

Cough up

By anbrown6 - 12/04/2009 17:55 - United States

Today, I found my dog, who had been missing for over a month, at the local pound. Clearly it was my dog, she responded to her name and cried when she saw me. However, the woman there told me I could not simply take her, I had to follow through with all policies. I paid $250 to adopt my own dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 293

You deserved it 9 902

Extreme Couponing

By DezyCoCo - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Penfield

Today, I spent two hours organizing all of my coupons, just to leave out my room for ten seconds to come back to my two-year-old crumbling them up and ripping them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 657

You deserved it 2 916

By Anonymous - 03/09/2017 20:00

Today, while eating s'mores with my boyfriend's family, I misplaced my false tooth. With a team of flashlights and hurt pride, my expensive tooth was found. In dog shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 474

You deserved it 490

Nice neighborhood

By Michaelichael - 28/03/2009 20:17 - United States

Today, I was mowing the lawn of my brand new house, located in a very nice neighborhood, when a lady in her nice white cadillac drove up and asked me, in extremely broken Spanish, if I could mow her lawn too. I'm a hispanic guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 148 574

You deserved it 11 721

By royallymessedup - 14/08/2016 13:13 - United Kingdom - London

Today, the price I paid to go on a kayaking trip in the sea was nothing compared to the price that my foot paid when it inadvertently stepped on a sea urchin halfway into the water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 070

You deserved it 1 129

By cheeseless - 11/08/2016 20:47 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I sprained my wrist while trying to grate a block of frozen cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 495

You deserved it 3 913

Terminology

By yummy - 30/05/2011 03:34 - United States

Today, I learned that "eating someone out" didn't actually involve food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 581

You deserved it 84 276

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The Top

Today, while brushing my teeth, a fly flew into my mouth. It got caught in my electric toothbrush and was sucked into the circular bristles, getting crushed between the brush and my braces. I now have fly guts and goo stuck between my brackets, and I can't get rid of the taste. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 730

You deserved it 1 952

Today, it's my best friend's birthday. It's also the first year I've had her gift purchased, wrapped and mailed on time. The post office lost the parcel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 440

You deserved it 1 939

Today, after over a month of running to lose weight, I can’t walk without crying from the shooting pain in my legs. My husband is upset that I won’t go to the grocery store, make his lunch, or go hiking with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 550

You deserved it 826

Today, I went to my local library to study. As I settled in, I dropped my water bottle, causing a mini flood. Panicked, I tried to clean it up with paper towels, only to knock over a stack of books, creating a domino effect of chaos. The librarian gave me the dirtiest look. FML

I agree, your life sucks 650

You deserved it 329

Today, I found out that my ex has a “new” girlfriend. I’ve been romantically involved with the ex off and on since our breakup 2 years ago, which just so happens to be how long they’ve apparently been dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 262

You deserved it 775

Today, when my boyfriend came over he was on his phone. We spent about 15 minutes together before having sex, then he made a phone call and said he had to leave. I could hear him from my window apologising to his coworker because he “just had to do something real quick but was now free to talk again.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 485

You deserved it 174