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By Anonymous - 28/08/2015 05:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I happily announced to my parents that I'm pregnant. My dad later handed me a printout containing a list of nearby abortion clinics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 317

You deserved it 2 598

Not awkward at all

By Krystl - 18/09/2016 16:35 - Australia

Today, I met the old couple I would be house-sitting for. As I was leaving the lady stuck her fist out towards me. After a seconds awkward pause I thought she wanted to fist-bump so stuck mine out and bumped. Turned out she was handing me the key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 958

You deserved it 2 171

Two Scoops

By ice ice baby - 08/09/2019 07:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Spicy

Today, it'd been so long since I last had sex, I was jolted out of my sleep by a body shaking orgasm. I was sweaty and breathless, and it took me a moment to realize it had been a dream. It would've been great except the subject of my nocturnal ecstasy was Vanilla Ice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 820

You deserved it 332

By Sarah - 01/10/2017 16:00

Today, my therapist said, "Y'know, Sarah, you would be a lot happier if you laid off the cocaine." I don't do cocaine. I never have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 694

You deserved it 254

Devious

By James - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, we got our yearbooks for school. I opened to my profile to see that they misspelled my first name which is James. They wrote Lames. FML

I agree, your life sucks 164 418

You deserved it 13 340

Cravings

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, on my way home from work, I decided to bring my pregnant wife a bouquet of roses to surprise her. Her response? "Why didn't you get me something useful, like chicken wings, instead?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 265

You deserved it 11 150

By itscalledaphonecontractretards - 09/08/2016 17:54 - United States

Today, I'm so broke, I resorted to breaking into my old apartment complex to do my laundry in the basement for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 592

You deserved it 1 779

By Anonymous - 04/08/2016 21:25

Today, I made myself a snack. I took a seemingly clean plate from the sink which had been used earlier for scrambled eggs. Only after I'd made the snack did I remember I let my dog lick the plate clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 001

You deserved it 15 628

By Anonymous - 02/08/2016 14:42 - Germany - Berlin

Today, I excitedly told my brother I submitted a short story for a competition for the first time ever. His reply? "Congrats. I guess the first letter of rejection is a special occasion." Gee, thanks for that reality check. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 439

You deserved it 1 236

By BlueMacaw - 25/07/2016 14:38 - United States - Edmond

Today, at church, I sneezed suddenly and messily into my hand just as the priest asked us to stand and greet our neighbors with a handshake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 680

You deserved it 2 170

By Calimero0 - 05/12/2017 01:30

Today, I felt so unwell that I didn't fall asleep until 4 AM. The baby woke up at 5, ready to start the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 300

You deserved it 591

Gunk

By married to a bipedal husky - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Lake Butler

Today, I found out that my wife sheds worse than a husky when she showers. I've had to clean the drain before I shower or it floods the bathroom floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 777

You deserved it 1 322

Property is theft

By mu5icadd1ct - 08/07/2016 13:22

Today, my sister stole my bike and gave it to her boyfriend. When I told my parents, they said it was fine, because I wasn't using it anyway. The reason I wasn't using it was because it needed a new tire, and I was saving up for one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 690

You deserved it 912

Cheater

By Anonymous - 04/11/2019 22:15

Today, as I was finalizing my divorce with my soon to be ex-wife, she thought it would be a good idea to bring our two children to the divorce court. Before custody was put in place my ex-wife gave them both a piece of candy and promised them a trip to Disneyland they chose her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 750

You deserved it 240

By Butch - 04/07/2016 17:19 - United States - Mcdonough

Today, our e-mail server went down. When I called IT to find out what the status was, they told me they e-mailed everyone with an update. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 313

You deserved it 1 152

By ohmygoodness - 02/03/2009 21:51 - United States

Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's place with grumbling stomach pains. I left him in bed to go have explosive diarreah in the bathroom next to his room. When I was done, I came back to bed and snuggled in next to his sleeping form and he rolled over to whisper, "I heard everthing." FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 751

You deserved it 17 297

The best method!

By Anonymous - 04/01/2020 18:00

Spicy

Today, while discussing having sex for the first time with my boyfriend, I asked what method of birth control we should use. He replied, "Anal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 016

You deserved it 969

By XxmegaronixX - 25/06/2016 04:55 - United States - Fond Du Lac

Today, my workplace often leaves out "expired" food from the café that our department coincides with, as it is wasteful to throw away perfectly fine cuisine. I soon discovered that the inside of a seemingly normal looking cupcake was actually filled with mold when I took a large mouthful of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 290

You deserved it 2 986

By drymouth - 17/06/2016 23:51 - United States - Berkeley

Today, my boss brought us some small cakes from a recent trip to China. I opened mine and noticed a little foil packet wrapped with the cake, so I thought it was a powdered topping. I had a couple of bites before my coworker told me it was actually a desiccant to keep the cakes fresh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 738

You deserved it 3 699

By Nanda - 14/06/2016 06:03 - Canada - Surrey

Today, my boss hired a new meat cutter because our old one stopped showing up for work. After he put the smock on, I told him what needed to be done. Without saying a word, he walks over to my boss, hands him his smock and says, "I quit." Guess I'm on my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 445

You deserved it 1 157

By Jo_kat - 09/06/2016 03:56 - United States - Portland

Today, I came home to find out my stay-at-home neighbor built his kids an awesome treehouse deck two stories up in the air. Three feet from my house. Directly adjacent to my second-floor bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 639

You deserved it 916

Jo_kat tells us more.

Jo_kat 5

Thursday 9 June 2016 23:04

OP here. Last night's 10 year old gossip included who's farts smell the best and what night the "neighborhood meeting" should take place in the treehouse. It isn't the visual privacy that's the issue, it's the sound. I can hear them whispering, but so far it's been pretty entertaining and they're called inside by 9pm. But they're guaranteed to get a soundbite when my boyfriend visits this weekend.... ;) Wish I could share a photo.

By Anonymous - 27/12/2013 20:18 - Jamaica - Kingston

Spicy

Today, I overheard my boyfriend bragging to his friend about finally giving me an orgasm yesterday, but that he got scared because my orgasm face made me look like "a camel having a stroke." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 240

You deserved it 5 877

By FFAce - 16/06/2018 13:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got slapped by a woman standing in front of me in line after a little kid grabbed her butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 529

You deserved it 218

By Oreo - 10/05/2016 08:58

Today, my dad and stepmom came back from a very expensive two-month trip across the world. When they got home, they had more gifts for their cat than for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 598

You deserved it 1 963

By Anonymous - 29/04/2016 17:11 - United States - Ames

Today, the highlight of my whole month was finally being able to take a solid crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 471

You deserved it 1 783

By tellyc - 26/04/2016 02:36 - Canada - Campbell River

Today, once again someone pointed out how much my brother and boyfriend look alike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 533

You deserved it 2 675

tellyc tells us more.

tellyc 27

Tuesday 26 April 2016 21:54

Hi guys! This is my FML. Basically whenever someone new meets my boyfriend or sees my brother they always comment how much they look alike. Recently every time I see my boyfriend from afar I think he's my brother so it freaks me out just a little bit. Glad to hear it's not really uncommon!

Healthy relationship

By scared - 24/06/2020 23:02

Today, I yelled at my girlfriend for something trivial. Instead of yelling back, she was scarily calm and said, "Remember, I’ve got 50 lbs on you. Yell at me again and I’ll lay a pillow on your face and sit on it until you’re dead." I think she might mean it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 782

You deserved it 2 602

All weddings are themed

By Anonymous - 01/07/2020 20:08

Today, I went to pick up my wedding dress from the seamstress, only to find out that my fiancé called two weeks ago to say I wanted the dress "tie-dyed to match our new theme." She believed him. Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 973

You deserved it 237

By Anonymous - 17/03/2016 15:34 - United States - Pomona

Today, in court, my client ran his mouth at the judge, cursing him out and then trying to lecture him on "freedom of speech" when he was found in contempt. I don't know what it is with these nutjobs, but I wish I'd never become a public defender. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 231

You deserved it 2 581

By Anonymous - 13/03/2016 15:00 - United States

Today, I'm going cold turkey with my drinking and smoking habits. I'm so irritable, I seriously considered running down an old lady who was taking her damn sweet time crossing the road, then shooting the guy in the car behind me for honking at me like I was holding everyone up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 628

You deserved it 3 659

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The Top

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Today, my new neighbor informed me with great relish that the house I have just bought is haunted because 30 years ago a man shot himself in the kitchen. I'm now paying a huge mortgage on a house I'm frightened to be alone in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 741

You deserved it 9 082

Today, I got stuck in an elevator with my boss and two other coworkers. To lighten the mood, I tried telling a joke. I forgot the punchline halfway through and ended up awkwardly trailing off. We still had 20 minutes to go before maintenance rescued us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 323

You deserved it 236

Today, I was trying to use the video editing software on my computer for a group project. It then wanted me to purchase another program that cost over $130. One of my teammates told me to buy it, because, "I could afford to skip a few lunches." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 582

You deserved it 949

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I have an 'outie' belly button, and he didn't want our potential kids to have one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 618

You deserved it 199

Today, my girlfriend woke me up by punching me in the balls. It’s OK, I didn’t want kids anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 580

You deserved it 206

Today, I realized that sometimes when I sneeze, I pee a little. I’m 28 years-old and I've never had kid; I’m even a virgin. This shouldn’t be happening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 896

You deserved it 172