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By tay - 10/04/2012 11:13 - Australia

Today, I found out that my mother is extremely emotional when it comes to animal deaths when a bird flew into the window and died, and she insisted we have a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 655

You deserved it 3 603

By desperate - 26/09/2009 14:15 - Denmark

Today, while at a club, I walked up to a cutie who had been eyeing me all night. I asked him "Is that a phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?". He simply replied "It's a phone" before walking away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 052

You deserved it 52 239

By Alpheas - 30/05/2010 05:12 - United States

Today, a four pound can of tuna fell on my head at work, and it burst all over my clothes. Since I'm the manager, I had to stay all day reeking of tuna. Now I'm home, my damn cat won't leave me alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 655

You deserved it 4 441

By oww - 09/03/2010 11:14 - United States

Today, I learned not to jump off a stage if nobody is going to catch you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 242

You deserved it 38 302

By Will - 21/02/2010 05:05 - France

Today, I had food poisoning. I spent all day on the can. I also had a bucket to throw up into at the same time. I was sick out of both ends, at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 218

You deserved it 2 769

By Heather - 12/11/2012 21:20 - United States - Bethesda

Spicy

Today, I realized that the bird I supposedly heard during the night throughout my childhood is actually the sound my mom makes when she comes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 230

You deserved it 3 242

By Anonymous - 30/11/2011 02:09 - United States

Today, I'm spending time with my granny, with whom I'm supposed to live with for a few weeks. I've noticed that she repeats the last word of every sentence I say, and now I'm wondering how it's possible for me to now be so horrible that I want to punch a sweet 92-year-old lady in the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 889

You deserved it 5 659

Superfuzz Big Muff

By miiiiilk - 05/12/2010 11:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, as my boyfriend was about to go down on me, he held his breath and said, "I'm going in!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 671

You deserved it 9 540

By Anonymous - 24/07/2013 07:33 - United States - Alpine

Spicy

Today, I learned that my wife used to strip while in college. I found this out when I brought her to a work party and my boss recognized her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 265

You deserved it 4 367

By cantfallbackasleep - 22/10/2015 14:05 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was called a ruthless bitch for not waking up early to search for my car keys, so my boyfriend could go get his pipe and get high before work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 785

You deserved it 5 379

Tricked

By Sniffles - 26/04/2014 12:28 - Ireland

Spicy

Today, I realised that when I asked my girlfriend four months ago if was she on the pill, she thought I meant hay fever tablets. I'm going to be a father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 580

You deserved it 30 437

By jseid2 - 15/01/2014 05:54 - United States - San Leandro

Spicy

Today, my students unanimously agreed, in front of me, that the only reason they take my course is to look at my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 932

You deserved it 15 457

By Anonymous - 05/05/2015 15:31 - Australia - Burwood

Today, I overheard my 14-year-old daughter telling her friend that she's saving money to get her hymen surgically removed so her first time won't hurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 528

You deserved it 3 735

FOCUS!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff

Today, we got a new seating arrangement in my science class. I'm now sitting between two people who have spent the last 20 minutes whispering dirty things to one another. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 555

You deserved it 2 715

By um - 08/02/2011 00:54

Today, I told my new boss to wish his daughter a happy birthday on my behalf, as I overheard him saying it was today. Turns out she committed suicide three years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 556

You deserved it 8 007

By fnfantastic - 04/11/2012 16:37 - United States - Warsaw

Today, I woke up with a vague memory of buying something last night while drunk. According to my credit card summary I made a $270 purchase from a home shopping channel. I guess in 5-7 days I'll find out what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 363

You deserved it 30 269

By Amsterdamned13 - 13/09/2013 19:02 - Netherlands - Leiderdorp

Today, I found out the hard way that my boyfriend and mother have been sending each other sexually-explicit picture messages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 657

You deserved it 3 627

Amsterdamned13 tells us more.

Amsterdamned13 8

Saturday 14 September 2013 16:20

To everyone: she told me in a funny way after seeing the phone. He is an EX now, and for now most deff no contact with her. Thanks for kind and also unkind words. Gr from Amsterdam

By princesspuffypan - 05/10/2011 06:23 - South Africa

Today, I was supposed to get married but we had to postpone as the best man fled the country. With the marriage certificate and vendor money. Not to mention the rings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 529

You deserved it 3 456

princesspuffypan tells us more.

princesspuffypan 10

Wednesday 8 August 2012 22:00

This is my FML... yes I am married now and no the cops didn't catch him. The reason he was best man in the first place was due to family politics. We managed to have a small wedding shortly after but we still had to pay cost of cancellation.

Worst enemy

By vitalcheese - 20/05/2009 19:12 - United States

Today, I was walking around my house without a shirt on after my shower. I picked up my cat and walked around the corner… Just as my dad turned on the vacuum. Now I have 6 rather deep bloody holes in my shoulder and chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 191

You deserved it 8 228

By groomsman - 24/08/2010 12:19 - United States

Today, I found out that my brother is engaged to marry an ex-girlfriend of mine. This comes almost two months after my brother divorced ANOTHER ex-girlfriend of mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 571

You deserved it 3 329

nullfactor tells us more.

nullfactor 0

Wednesday 25 August 2010 22:41

This is the OP (just signed up, so I could comment). For those who say "who cares and why do you?", take a moment to see the big picture. That big picture contains two words: family reunions! Who in the world would want to see their ex-girlfriends at family reunions? Especially, since their new role in your life is that of a sister-in-law? I'd love to let bygones be bygones, but it's hard to do when they become your in-laws!

By nevaagain - 19/08/2016 20:00 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I saw a cute guy at the coffee shop reading a book. Wanting to be friendly, I smiled as I approached and asked what he was reading. He returned the smile and said, "Minding your damn business, by Fuck Off." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 471

You deserved it 3 520

Alexa, play "Policy of Truth" by Depeche Mode

By is there a environmental scientist in the house? - 05/03/2013 08:48 - United States - Walnut Creek

Today, wanting to impress my date, I bullshitted her about how I was an environmental scientist. She got so impressed that she invited me over to her place. Not her home, her office. So that I could give her pointers on her current project. She's a real environmental scientist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 592

You deserved it 76 733

By Anonymous - 27/05/2011 14:00 - Belgium

Today, I was walking home when a stranger came up to me and told me to give him a good reason why he shouldn't punch me in the face. I guess none were good enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 194

You deserved it 4 173

Dick joke

By awilson - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was eating M&Ms on a chair when I dropped one and it fell under my crotch. My mom came in to see me with my hand on my crotch while angrily muttering, "Where's that little bastard gone?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 348

You deserved it 17 023

Locked and loaded

By Anonymous - 30/12/2011 03:07 - China

Today, I left work early, and discovered I was locked out of my house. I subsequently had to use a spoon I found on the ground to smash the bathroom window. I cut my leg on the glass when I climbed through. While inspecting the wound, I felt a lump in my pocket. It was my house key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 201

You deserved it 43 468

By Anonymous - 06/07/2009 01:49 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to Taco Bell since it's her favorite place to eat. I thought it'd be cute to get one of the sauce packets that says "Will you marry me?" on it and give it to her all cute-like. She thought it was adorable. While we were leaving, she threw it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 000

You deserved it 25 936

By KristaAaronn - 27/08/2014 12:24 - United States - Johnson City

Today, I got my wisdom teeth removed. All I can remember is crying to my mom because I thought spoons were taking over the world. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 503

You deserved it 4 686

KristaAaronn tells us more.

KristaAaronn 25

Wednesday 27 August 2014 19:47

OP here! I also told her that they reason they made sporks was because they wanted to completely rid the world of forks

By Anonymous - 23/08/2010 06:21 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my Mom. I ran into my crush. A school dance is soon and he WAS just about to ask something but my mom glanced over and yelled "TAMPONS OR PADS, SWEETIE?!" He then changed his question to "Haha, so which?" And before I could say a word, my mother answered for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 025

You deserved it 3 674

By antisocial - 12/08/2010 08:07 - Canada

Today, I told my parents that I wasn't feeling very social and up for company. How do they try to make me feel better? By inviting a whole bunch of people I don't know to a pool party at my house. They said I should face my fears. I'm now in my room, hiding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 999

You deserved it 9 151

By WhyDoINeedAName - 13/03/2013 19:51 - Canada - Okotoks

Spicy

Today, as always, I'm dating one of the few girls who, without fail, always finishes first when we get intimate. She's also one of those girlfriends who doesn't want to continue once she's done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 520

You deserved it 8 218

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The Top

The Top

Today, a girl asked me to check out her left breast, which she said she'd found a strange lump on. I'm an orthodontist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 891

You deserved it 3 460

Today, my dad threatened to hit me if I didn't tell him what I had in my homework. He thinks I won't keep secrets from him this way. There's a reason I kept secrets in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 988

You deserved it 95

Today, I was at McDonald's and I was going through the drive-thru. As I was driving away, I checked my food and the lady had given me a Night at the Museum Happy Meal toy by mistake. I got so excited that I crashed the car into a pole. I'm 36. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 823

You deserved it 70 703

Today, my boyfriend requested that I shave my lips so I spent an hour in the shower carefully removing every trace of pubic hair. Turns out he wanted me to shave my moustache, not my carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 790

You deserved it 33 698

Today, I drank water from a random, half-full water bottle I found inside a bumper car (AKA dodgems) at the local fairground, thinking it was mine. It wasn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 131

You deserved it 933

Today, my laziness hit a new low when I tried closing my bedroom door using my mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 950

You deserved it 21 146