The Top

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The top of the day The top of the week The top of the month The top of the year The all-time greatest FMLs

By sigh - 21/12/2011 12:39 - United States

Today, I was called a "whore," a "demon," a "piece of shit," and a "disrespectful bitch." All of this happened because I wouldn't let my mother-in-law borrow my car. This is a woman with multiple speeding tickets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 127

You deserved it 3 112

By curlyisnogood - 10/01/2011 00:19

Today, I walked in on my roommate flat-ironing his pubic hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 246

You deserved it 3 764

By Emptyspace - 25/06/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, I found my long lost diary and curiously read it. What's worse than finding out that your mother read your diary? Finding out that your mother wrote comments in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 643

You deserved it 4 190

By CooBerry3851 - 28/08/2011 08:27 - United States

Today, I went over to my friend's house. After knocking on the door, I was greeted by her hairy, 300+ pound father in his underwear. He then hugged me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 721

You deserved it 3 258

By Anonymous - 23/09/2015 15:48 - United States - Bedminster

Today, I got an angry call from my 7-year-old son's school. It turned out that while doing a "what I want to be when I'm older" assignment, he wrote that he wants to be an internet troll so he can make people mad and make them kill themselves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 443

You deserved it 4 333

By ohno - 25/03/2012 13:11 - United States - East Stroudsburg

Today, I found out that when my girlfriend said she gave up sex for lent, it was just with me and not my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 789

You deserved it 2 978

Multitasking

By misc - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 8 months dumped me over the phone in between telling the Subway employees what he wanted on his sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 763

You deserved it 3 560

By Anonymous - 11/04/2015 20:55 - Australia - Caroline Springs

Today, for the first time in my life, a girl showed interest in me. She sent me a text message saying she wanted to come over and fuck my brains out. This would've made me the happiest guy alive, if only she weren't my extremely drunk sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 398

You deserved it 3 287

By FatalxDesire599 - 05/03/2010 15:39 - United States

Today, my mother stormed into my room shouting about how I never go anywhere and then tells me to go out "NOW" and do something. As she is pushing me out the door, her boyfriend walks in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 707

You deserved it 2 838

Friends

By Anonymous - 17/02/2010 07:39 - United States

Today, it's my 18th birthday. Last month was my best friend's 18th birthday. She spent the night with me, and the next morning, my mom and brother gathered in my room and sang "Happy Birthday" as they handed her pancakes with a candle on top. Today, I was woken up by screams to take the trash out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 669

You deserved it 2 628

By themuffinman - 27/12/2011 15:15 - Japan

Today, my girlfriend referred to her yeast infection as "making bread." I can never look at bread the same way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 723

You deserved it 3 237

By pancakelicious - 04/10/2013 11:16 - New Zealand

Today, a customer was paying for his food. As he placed the money in my hand, he said, "Careful, those coins are sticky." I asked why. He replied, "You know, male stuff." FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 664

You deserved it 5 059

pancakelicious tells us more.

pancakelicious 6

Saturday 5 October 2013 2:49

To everyone concerned: Yes, I washed my hands afterwards. Also, I couldn't refuse the money since my boss was nearby and watching my every move.

By great - 20/07/2012 10:20 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, at the bank, my 8-year-old son decided to pull out realistic looking toy gun, and scream "FREEZE! Give me all your money!" The dim-witted bank teller pressed the silent alarm, and I was nearly arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 552

You deserved it 31 431

By whotouchedyou1 - 26/08/2014 02:37 - United States - Cypress

Today, while my teacher was demonstrating how to use the ultrasound equipment, we all figured out that I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 219

You deserved it 11 779

Get back

By Boar - 24/06/2012 20:51 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, while I was waiting at a red light, another car slammed into me. By the time I got out to assess the damage, the other car was empty and there was nobody in sight. Either Moby Dickwad was abducted by aliens mid-crash, or he was behind on his insurance payments. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 376

You deserved it 2 056

By Anonymous - 22/05/2015 18:17 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I checked my son's browser history, as he's been acting strangely around his computer recently. I found several bizarre Google searches, including but not limited to: "unicorn dick-farts", "sharting kittens", and "can you get AIDS from Asians?" What the fuck is wrong with him? FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 437

You deserved it 5 172

By waterspike - 29/01/2010 13:18 - France

Today, after finally getting a date with the girl I like, she invited her new boyfriend along as well. I ended up paying for their first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 811

You deserved it 9 987

Lost

By Alicia - 21/01/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have sex for the first time. Not only did he struggle for five minutes to put on a condom (repeatedly snapping himself in the balls), but he then had to ask me "which hole" to put it in. I'm dating a thirty-four year old virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 438

You deserved it 6 370

By chi-huaHUA - 04/12/2010 07:08 - United States

Today, I walked outside to see my friend frantically waving and running at me, yelling something I couldn't understand. I smiled and started to jog over to him until I realized he was screaming "RUN!!!" We spent the next 10 minutes running from his neighbor's 5 vicious chihuahuas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 177

You deserved it 6 765

By Anonymous - 13/09/2011 05:53 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that the engineers I work with believe that a woman with an engineering degree working in an engineering company is apparently equivalent to a "secretary for engineers." I am that woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 913

You deserved it 3 633

Handy

By screwed - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was teaching a woodshop class. We were using power tools, including drills, and pieces of pine wood. While helping a kid to hold a piece to practice drilling, he went too far forward with the drill. It went through my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 241

You deserved it 12 251

So… good news, or…?

By daddy-o - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my girlfriend called and said she had great news. Turns out I've cured her of that illness she gets every month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 098

You deserved it 21 194

By someoneelsessaliva - 05/06/2010 06:59 - Australia

Today, my two friends and I went to the movies. One of my friends brought my crush. They started making out, leaning over the armrest, until they were practically in my lap. Saliva got on my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 479

You deserved it 4 202

By fmlisthebomb - 01/03/2009 06:58 - United States

Today, my mother got a call from our old high school saying that they had fifteen freshmen boys in his office with a nude photo of me on their phones. I had sent that photo only to my boyfriend. Apparently he loves to share me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 323

You deserved it 89 145

By rawr - 20/04/2011 14:15

Today, at work, I spent half an hour trying to convince an elderly customer that no, I wasn't a messenger sent by the devil to take her soul to hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 390

You deserved it 3 579

By Anonymous - 24/07/2009 06:31 - United States

Today, I opened some small cute birthday gifts at my boyfriend's house. As we left to go out, he slipped me a Tiffany box and said he wanted me to open it in private. Flushed and excited, I open it to find a Ziploc bag filled with hair. It was thd mustache I'd been begging him to shave for months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 820

You deserved it 20 455

Emergency

By -____- - 05/10/2013 21:28 - United States - Seattle

Today, my husband yelled from upstairs, "Babe! BABE, COME QUICK!" Terrified that something might have happened to our newborn daughter, I rushed up, only to find out he just wanted to show me that he'd learned how to spin a top on the tip of his penis without it falling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 385

You deserved it 7 454

Sexy talk

By Anonymous - 09/01/2010 03:30 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on in his room. In a sexy voice, I asked him, "What are you thinking right now?" He replied, "I'm thinkin' Arby's." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 866

You deserved it 6 009

By lotd - 31/07/2012 23:28 - United Kingdom - Henley On Thames

Today, as I sat down for my flight, I realised that the passenger I had to sit next to for the next seven hours was wearing a necklace made from tampon packaging. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 153

You deserved it 2 078

By Anonymous - 22/05/2009 00:20 - United States

Today, I kissed my husband and said, "I love you." That's when our 5 year-old son said to my husband, "How can you love her so much if she's so ugly?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 735

You deserved it 4 187

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The Top

Today, I was accidentally rude to a customer and she told me to kill myself. My boss came over, told me that she agreed wholeheartedly with the customer, and then said, "I have no idea where you got this delusion that anyone would be sad if you died." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 418

You deserved it 121

Today, I opened up to my best friend about my depression. Her response: "If you're so depressed, why don't you just kill yourself?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 225

You deserved it 2 218

Today, my girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't follow her latest fad of becoming a goth, which involves dressing like an undertaker's haunted hearse and putting on eyeliner. Last week she was into Reggae and beanie hats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 250

You deserved it 13 456

Today, after three days of getting stared at by my neighbour from the window, I realized that she wasn't alive anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 835

You deserved it 3 777

Today, I finished a fence around my house that I have been working on all week. About an hour after I finished, a water company truck pulled into my driveway. They told me they would have to take down my fence to make repairs on a water pipe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 365

You deserved it 3 213

Today, after finally getting up the confidence, I started talking really dirty to my boyfriend on the phone. I was getting really onto it, and he seemed to enjoy it too. Then I stopped for a second to gauge his reaction. He was snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 910

You deserved it 4 691