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By blabla - 28/10/2011 13:30 - Brazil

Today, I rushed home during a torrential downpour. When I got back, I went to take a pee and took off my wet socks while I had the chance. Once I finished, I stood up with used toilet paper in one hand and wet socks in the other. Guess which I tossed into the toilet. FML

agreeclassic 20 324

vote type 1 13 006

By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 19:36 - United States

Today, I was taking the final exam for one of my classes. The teacher came over to my desk, grabbed my test and ripped it in half. Then he grabbed my hand and read the note I had written on it to remind myself to pay rent. FML

agreeclassic 45 643

vote type 1 6 742

By teeeessst - 13/12/2009 06:26 - United States

Today, I listened to a woman take an extremely fragrant crap while I waited for my pregnacy test result in the Target bathroom. FML

agreeclassic 27 869

vote type 1 26 103

Traditional

By Vinny1017 - 07/10/2010 14:26 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend's father if I could marry his daughter. He smiled, shook my hand, and said "No. Now get out of my house." FML

agreeclassic 45 436

vote type 1 4 858

By Anonymous - 20/07/2010 10:12 - United Kingdom

Today, while driving through town, I was distracted by a pretty girl walking on the nearby pavement and accidentally rear-ended the car in front of me. Not only did the pretty girl witness the crash and give a statement, it turned out she was a very feminine man. FML

agreeclassic 14 900

vote type 1 49 706

Rash decision

By FilthyIke - 21/08/2009 20:17 - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor to inquire about the rash I've been getting in my underarms, behind my knees and sometimes on my face. Turns out I'm allergic to sweat. I'm a varsity rugby coach, gym teacher, and I just shelled out a stack of cash to get a sauna and steam room installed in my house. FML

agreeclassic 47 778

vote type 1 4 388

By GlowInTheDark - 09/12/2011 07:41 - Australia

Today, I told my boyfriend about how a few years ago I had cancer, and how I underwent radiation therapy. His response? "Did you glow in the dark?" FML

agreeclassic 34 697

vote type 1 3 973

By hubby - 08/10/2013 17:57 - United States

Today, my wife's pregnancy hormones got so bad that she freaked out and threw a tantrum, accusing me of always making important decisions for her. All I did was get her some food from Taco Bell as a surprise. FML

agreeclassic 61 695

vote type 1 5 800

By Anonymous - 21/01/2015 11:57 - United States - Howell

Today, I babysat an 11 year old kid while his parents ate out. As soon as they left, the kid asked me if I wanted to be on the sex offender's list. Before I could even process that, he told me to stay out of his way and he wouldn't accuse me of anything. FML

agreeclassic 40 842

vote type 1 2 654

Farm life

By FarmerGirl - 09/10/2012 18:43 - Canada - Brossard

Today, my crush and I were volunteering at a local farm. He confessed to me that I'm one of the most beautiful girls he's ever seen. Just as he leaned in to kiss me, I lost my footing and fell into a pile of horse shit. He just stood there, pointing and laughing. FML

agreeclassic 32 169

vote type 1 3 715

By NoNaMe - 04/06/2009 08:07 - Australia

Today, while walking down the street, a homeless man walked up to me. He opened his mouth to say something and I immediately said that I didn't have any spare change because I was late for work. He then said "I was gonna ask you for the time, dickwad". Apparently he wasn't homeless. FML

agreeclassic 10 643

vote type 1 75 225

By fatman - 14/12/2009 18:49 - United States

Today, I was on a plane. The person sitting next to me was using the plane's wifi, and was on Facebook. They joined the group 'I hate sitting next to fat people on airplanes'. FML

agreeclassic 39 747

vote type 1 11 832

By pablito - 17/04/2014 10:37 - France - Bron

Today, I'm 25 years old, I've got an education and I only now found out in front of 15 people that, no, sparrows are not small pigeons that are going to grow up. FML

agreeclassic 220

vote type 1 446

By btswc - 21/05/2011 07:18 - United States

Today, I asked my husband, of only a year, why we don't have sex anymore. He said it's because he masturbates. When I asked how often he did it, he replied "Every day that we don't have sex..." FML

agreeclassic 38 175

vote type 1 9 782

Merde alors !

By Anonymous - 06/05/2011 19:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a long overdue vacation to France with my husband and young daughter. As revenge for an earlier prank, my sister has apparently taught my daughter to swear profusely in French. FML

agreeclassic 31 957

vote type 1 9 382

By Anonymous - 22/04/2015 14:14 - United States - Athens

Today, my best friend can now say "I fucked your mom" to me and actually mean it. FML

agreeclassic 49 148

vote type 1 3 681

By Jonny - 09/01/2012 04:07 - United States

Today, as a recovering alcoholic, I called my brother to share the news that I've been sober for a month. He invited me to a bar to celebrate. FML

agreeclassic 34 448

vote type 1 3 380

By friend loves a gay guy... - 23/09/2013 20:49 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my best friend told me that she no longer wants to cut herself because now she's madly in love with a guy in our school. She doesn't know that he's gay. FML

agreeclassic 57 222

vote type 1 3 923

By Anonymous - 29/06/2009 17:55 - Canada

Today, I put on my "fat jeans" because none of my other jeans fit. Neither do my fat jeans. FML

agreeclassic 27 913

vote type 1 46 659

Hands on the wheel

By Username - 05/10/2011 00:02 - United States

Today, on my way home, my girlfriend started sexting me, telling me that she was waiting at my house. In my rush to get home to see her, I got pulled over and had to be patted down. He found no weapons, but he did find my stiffy. FML

agreeclassic 41 985

vote type 1 12 671

By jrocks - 19/05/2009 17:06 - United States

Today, as I was watching a DVD, I noticed a spider crawling on my crotch area. So, I panicked and smashed the spider, smashing my nuts in the process. FML

agreeclassic 19 886

vote type 1 70 642

By Travolta - 14/08/2011 04:50 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party. I tried dancing in public for the first time ever. Judging by the whispers, stares, and giggles, I'm never doing it again. FML

agreeclassic 31 699

vote type 1 5 200

By Anonymous - 12/08/2015 02:23 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, I pushed all the way in. She said, "Stop teasing me, put everything in." FML

agreeclassic 41 340

vote type 1 4 531

Boo!

By Fmycar - 26/09/2009 05:19 - United States

Today, my football team played in a game against our rival school that was just a few blocks away. We hadn't lost the game in exactly 49 years, we were playing for the 50th year win. We lost 63-0, and got booed off the field by our own crowd. FML

agreeclassic 21 421

vote type 1 38 128

By anonymous - 16/01/2012 19:55 - United States

Today, I came out to my father. He seemed to be totally okay with it, as long as I'm the "man" in my relationships. FML

agreeclassic 33 307

vote type 1 9 246

News to me

By madaskueuchiha - 08/08/2009 03:57 - United States

Today, I got a call from my parents' divorce lawyer. When I answered the phone, she thought I was my mother and told me the details about my parent's divorce. I'm a 13-year-old boy who sounds like a woman and just learned that my parents are separating. FML

agreeclassic 69 516

vote type 1 3 940

By Anonymous - 23/10/2013 16:04 - Canada - Richmond

Today, I witnessed my boyfriend taking a dump in the litter box. He said he wanted to know what it felt like for the cat. FML

agreeclassic 49 491

vote type 1 5 841

Freaked out

By radioinvader - 28/10/2012 12:29 - Canada - Kingston

Today, my coworker and I were sitting and eating lunch. We noticed a little kid kept staring at us, and every time we looked away he would come a little bit closer. When he was right behind us, I looked and was startled enough to jump. The parents were three tables down, laughing uncontrollably. FML

agreeclassic 25 578

vote type 1 3 764

Happy Caturday

By couchsurfer - 10/08/2012 00:02 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I finally convinced my girlfriend to allow the cats to sleep with us on the bed. As we started to cuddle, one of the cats pissed right in between us. We are sleeping on the couch until the baking soda absorbs the smell in the mattress. I'll be sleeping there longer than that. FML

agreeclassic 11 081

vote type 1 29 975

#ForeverAlone

By WithoutLove - 30/08/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I realized the closest thing I have to a love life is organizing my porn folder by category. FML

agreeclassic 16 705

vote type 1 33 071

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Top

Today, at work, I found a used condom in the fax machine. I'm the electrical maintenance repair for the company. I have to untangle it from the belts. FML

agreeclassic 31 093

vote type 1 2 052

Today, my 9 month-old son realized he is just as tired as I am. His solution is to cry loudly. My solution was to cry along with him. FML

agreeclassic 35 478

vote type 1 5 180

Today, I started lessons on snowboarding. As soon as I got to the top of the hill, my instructor pushed me saying, "Just believe, it'll come to you!" He said this just before I hit a tree, breaking my nose. FML

agreeclassic 33 410

vote type 1 3 437

Today, I had to take a photo of my asshole after I sat on a rusty nail, causing considerable pain. Thankfully, no major damage was done. Unfortunately, the photo synced up to my mum's iPad, since it's linked to my Apple ID. FML

agreeclassic 908

vote type 1 393

Today, I came out of the closet. Now whenever I'm getting ready to go somewhere with my dad he says, "Lesgo, lesbo." FML

agreeclassic 60 458

vote type 1 13 577

Today, my wedding ring came off in a Walmart bathroom and fell into the toilet. It was an automatic toilet. It flushed. FML

agreeclassic 7 870

vote type 1 849