Nearly FMLs

By tests - 16/01/2016 19:43 - United States - Baltimore

Today, my English teacher said that in preparation for our exam, he was going to give us a sample of one of the worst essays he has ever received. This man has been teaching for 50 years and is a legend at the school. When I got the essay, I found that it was mine, from a two weeks ago. FML

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By I still got it - 16/01/2016 19:40 - United States - New York

Today, my buddies and I tried out a new restaurant. They have an arcade game where if you beat the high score, your party get to eat-all-you-can for free. Familiar with the game, I joined and murdered it, only upset the previous winner, having me disqualified. The sore loser? The owner's son. FML

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By baldlady - 16/01/2016 19:39 - United States - Ontario

Today, I decided to get my hair and makeup done and buy sexy lingerie to surprise my boyfriend. I was giving him the absolute best blowjob of his life. He got really into and started pulling my hair. He came so hard he ripped my $300 weave right outta my head. Fml

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By Doberman101 - 16/01/2016 19:36 - United States - Midlothian

Today, I found hair in my Chicken Alfredo school lunch. I went to report it to the lunch ladies and was greeted with, "Oh, we have another one with hair!" I was then asked if I wanted some more from the same exact container. FML.

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By Anonymous - 16/01/2016 19:27 - United States - Castro Valley

Today, my three-year-old, fiance, and I have a stomach virus. Half the time we are sitting around, too tired to move. The other half of the time is split between vomiting and having severe diarrhea. We only have one toilet. FML.

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By Kitteh8601 - 16/01/2016 19:16 - United States - Wilmington

I was in the car with my parents and my mom turned around and asked "Have you had sex yet?" I said "no" and my dad yelled "HA, told you so!" My mom then pulled out her wallet and handed my dad 30 bucks. FML

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By NotBella - 16/01/2016 19:13 - United States - Carl Junction

Today, I had a dream in which an attractive guy was finally showing an interest in me and actually wanting to kiss me. It was a really good dream, until he turned out to be a vampire and nearly killed me. FML

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By butdoctorwhat - 16/01/2016 18:49 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a nightmare that my boyfriend said he didn't love me. It was so real that I messaged him as soon as I woke up, not realizing I had been dreaming, and broke up with him. I've been trying to apologize to him all day. FML.

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By one eyed snake - 16/01/2016 18:46 - United States - Rocky Point

Today, I found out what it's like to get a tongue piercing. When I tried to get rid of some food that was stuck on my braces with my tongue, I ended up stabbing my tongue with the piece of metal wire that sticks out in the back of the mouth and had to pull my tongue out of it. FML

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By JerTer666 - 16/01/2016 18:46 - United States - Citrus Heights

Today, I moved out of my parents house and into a 5 bed/4 bath gorgeous house. I felt so happy and free! The next day my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me and one of my roommates burned down the house. I live back at my parents...FML

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By Anonymous - 16/01/2016 18:44 - Cyprus

Today, me and my boyfriend were getting it on and everything was going smoothly and well. That is until I farted it smelled so bad he went soft. FML.

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By anonymous - 16/01/2016 18:19 - United States

Today, I walked into my son and daughter have sex. My daughter said she was helping him with his "sex ed class". FML

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By ohokay - 16/01/2016 18:14 - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, I was running late for a date at a restaurant with a really cute guy, so I texted him as I was driving to let him know I was driving and how long I'd be. When finally I turned up, he met me outside said "I can't consider dating someone who's that fucking stupid." and walked off. FML

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By PuckYouToTheFace - 16/01/2016 18:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my 8 month boyfriend broke up with me, stating that he wanted the summer to explore and try it with other girls, but we could get back together if nothing worked out for him. FML

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By LifelessStars - 16/01/2016 17:46 - United States - Parkville

Today, I took my dog to Pet ER because he was constipated and refused to walk. Turns out he wasn't constipated, he's paralyzed and can no longer control the lower half of his body. We had to put him down. FML

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By WolfGeek101 - 16/01/2016 17:35 - United States - Kent

Today, my cat peed on the couch. This normally isn't too horrible, except for the fact that I was sleeping on that couch at the moment. FML

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By huehue - 16/01/2016 17:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was taking a shit and my brother walked in on me. I got in trouble for not locking the door. The door was locked and my brother broke the it. FML

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By well fuck it them - 16/01/2016 17:05 - Switzerland - Payerne

Today, I leaned that our wedding witness was my husband's former fuck buddy and that he still fantasizes about her when we have sex. FML.

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By rindac10 - 16/01/2016 16:32 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I work at Walmart. I had a old white lady get upset that we didn't have a certain type of fabric she wanted. When I suggested another store she promptly told me to shut the hell up and called me the 'N-word'. Guess who got in trouble for blowing up. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/01/2016 16:32 - Australia - Hove

Today, I could feel something tickling my leg in bed. When I looked, I saw a baby spider, so I went to remove it. I untucked my bed sheets, only to find an adult white tip spider at the end of my bed, inches from my sleeping dog's face. When I quickly pulled my dog away, he tried to bite me. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/01/2016 16:25 - United States - Stamford

Today I zipped up my pants. Ever see "There's Something about Mary"? Yeah we got a bleeder. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/01/2016 16:04 - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I told my stubborn child that I would not buy him a Playstation 4. His response, taking a shit on my bed. FML

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By exchange student - 16/01/2016 16:03 - United States

Today, I found out that my lovely host family I've been living and having fun with for 6 months now, have been trying to switch me out since the day I came here. It seems I have to go because we're not the same religion and the parents do not like people who aren't Catholic. I'm Protestant. FML

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By SoreToes - 16/01/2016 15:24 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was hanging an heavy, large glass framed photo on the wall. Thinking I had successfully attached it to the wall I let go. Turns out the photo was not as attached as I thought and it fell. Onto my toes. But don't worry the photos fine. FML

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By Concorn - 16/01/2016 15:14 - United States - Franklin

Today, I made some tea. After I drank it, I was cleaning my tea kettle. Guess what I found in it? Maggots. I probably drank some of them, too. FML.

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By Anonymous - 16/01/2016 15:07 - United Kingdom - Tranent

Today my gilrlfreind asked me if I'm fine with her dating 3 different men. We've been together 3 years FML

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By futurecatlady - 16/01/2016 15:01 - United States - Augusta

Today, I came across my boyfriends blog. Apparently I'm a physically abusive cheater and he's thinking of leaving me. I'm not and he didn't leave me. Guess he was talking about his other girlfriend he mentioned. Fml.

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By ardea_alba - 16/01/2016 14:13 - Russian Federation - Yekaterinburg

Today, my OCD mother-in-law has, for the gazillionth time, gone behind my back and tried convincing my husband to 'send our 4yo son to live with her'. She's convinced he's not autistic, he just "needs better discipline". FML

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By Motherfuckedd - 16/01/2016 14:09 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I was playing darts with my cousin and she stepped in front of the board I hit her in the arm and it wasn't that bad of a cut. She then threw a glass plate at my face and bruised my forehead and then threw the dart back at me. I am on my way to the hospital to get stitches in my leg. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/01/2016 13:58 - Australia - Burwood

Today, when pulling up my pants after using the loo, one of my rings fell into the loo. If I hadn't heard the sound of metal hitting porcelain I would have flushed it. That also meant I had to fish it out of urine filled water. I had to do this three times because I kept dropping it. FML.

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The Top

Today, my future sister-in-law, who hasn’t even been engaged a week, informed everyone that the wedding is on December 19th, which is the due date of my first child. My brother won’t change the date and is making my family choose between his wedding or being at the hospital with me. FML

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Today, my depression has reached the point where I don't even have the energy to seriously pursue any hobbies. Any time I find the motivation to try something new, I immediately get discouraged at the slightest difficulties, and become even more depressed. I don't even know why I'm trying anymore. FML

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Today, I found out my son was selling pot for pesos. We live in New Jersey and have never planned on going to Mexico. FML

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Today, I tried to carry all my grocery bags in one trip. I was doing great until the plastic handles stretched and snapped in the parking lot. A carton of eggs exploded, an avocado rolled under a car, and a bottle of wine shattered. Someone asked if I needed help. I said no because I was too embarrassed. FML

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Today, I took my 5-year-old daughter to the play place at McDonald's but I had to keep her busy, instead of letting her play. A mom was teaching her 3-year-old daughter how to pole dance, using the play place's poles. FML

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Today, I was eating some cake that my roommate's girlfriend brought by for us. I felt something weird in my mouth, so I stopped chewing to grab it. It was a fingernail. FML

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