ALL FML

LOL

By Anonymous - 13/11/2022 02:00

Today, I was told that my laugh sounds like Krusty the Clown. It really does. Now I can't unhear it. FML

agreeclassic 748

vote type 1 154

Borat voice

By Anonymous - 13/11/2022 00:00

Today, my wife keeps bitching at me that she hasn’t lost any weight on her liquid diet, even though I’ve told her dozens of times that sticking all her normal large portion meals in a blender isn’t exactly a proper liquid diet, it’s just a very unhealthy soup with lumps. FML

agreeclassic 990

vote type 1 112

Turbulence

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Spring Hope

Today, I am sitting next to a guy who very clearly has lice crawling on his head. It's a six hour flight. FML

agreeclassic 50 016

vote type 1 3 160

Hairy situation

By Bleh - 12/11/2022 18:00

Today, I woke up with a mouthful of cat hair. I don't have any recollection of how this could've happened. My most plausible idea is that my cat shoved his face in my mouth while I was asleep. But how did I not wake up from that? Maybe when I'm done pulling all the hairs out of my mouth, I can think about it. FML

agreeclassic 704

vote type 1 189

Pinned

By STRIKE! - 12/11/2022 07:00 - United States

Today, I found out how it feels to drop a bowling ball on your foot. Spoiler: It doesn't feel good. FML

agreeclassic 742

vote type 1 132

Cats 4 life

By Doggone it - 12/11/2022 12:00

Today, I've been living with my new roommate's dogs for three days now. In an ironic twist, the small one is very well-behaved, while the two big ones are disobedient little shits. Every day, I get a thousand more reminders as to why I'm a cat person. I can't do this anymore. FML

agreeclassic 726

vote type 1 174

Word of advice: Run

By Anonymous - 12/11/2022 10:00

Today, I’m in love with a man, but he has a girlfriend. We have literally talked everyday for almost a year. He tells me he loves me and wants to marry me, but when I asked him if he wanted to marry his girlfriend, he responded, “I’m not sure…” I just want to be with him, and I feel stupid for it. FML

agreeclassic 288

vote type 1 1 314

KEEP OUT

By Awkward - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Redmond

Today, my neighbor put up an electric fence to keep my five-year-old son out. FML

agreeclassic 42 436

vote type 1 15 495

All shook up

By Anonymous - 12/11/2022 06:00 - Germany

Today, I realized that apparently there are only two general states of mind in my life: 1) Utter mental and physical exhaustion while wondering whether my job has irrevocably ruined my health yet, or 2) depression and latent panic for being an unemployed loser with no stable income. FML

agreeclassic 753

vote type 1 149

Sneaky sneezy

By Worn Out - 11/11/2022 21:00 - United States

Today, I sneezed four times in succession. The problem is that I've never sneezed more than three times in a row in my life, so the fourth one came as such a shock to me that I accidentally banged my head on my desk when it occurred. FML

agreeclassic 665

vote type 1 295

Time for tinnitus

By Anonymous - 11/11/2022 18:00 - United States - Cecil

Today, my roommate shouted his entire part of the conversation at the dinner table. He refuses to get his hearing checked, nor lower his voice, so now my ears hurt for the rest of the evening. FML

agreeclassic 778

vote type 1 110

Pleased to meet you

By Anonymous - 11/11/2022 22:00

Today, I answered the door at my boyfriend's house to an obese woman, who looked and smelled homeless, and rudely tried to barge past me to get inside. I told her to get out or I’d call the police. My boyfriend behind me saw this disgusting woman and said those two awful words: “Hi Mom.” FML

agreeclassic 1 244

vote type 1 468

Nice try

By Timeless - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I decided to brush up on my flirting skills and ask a guy I thought was kind of cute what time it was. He pointed to the very visible watch on my wrist and said, "You should know already." FML

agreeclassic 9 386

vote type 1 56 606

It's all too much

By dreams2383 - 11/11/2022 11:00 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, at 4:30 a.m., I hit a deer on the freeway on my way to work. I've only had this car for 6 months and it's totaled. I had to wait hours for a tow. On his way to pick me up, my husband's radiator blew and his serpentine belt shredded. I also missed a day of work. FML

agreeclassic 1 086

vote type 1 106

Hip To Be Square

By 34goingon80 - 11/11/2022 10:00 - Canada - London

Today, I’m going to the pre-op appointment for my second hip replacement before the age of 35. My first was at 23. The doctors have no idea why I have the arthritic hips of an 80 year-old. FML.

agreeclassic 1 026

vote type 1 89

The Teachers Are Afraid of the Pupils

By JFC - 11/11/2022 14:00

Today, I watched as a bully told a kid, "I wish someone would staple your mouth shut so you would never talk again" right in front of the teacher. The teacher definitely heard it. She didn't get written up for it. Not even a verbal warning. I would pay to see a teacher actually punish someone in this school. FML

agreeclassic 1 078

vote type 1 126

Seek help

By Anonymous - 11/11/2022 12:00

Today, it's 4 in the morning and I can't sleep because of my blocked left nostril. It's been a month now. FML

agreeclassic 777

vote type 1 133

The body keeps the score

By Dominik - 11/11/2022 10:00 - Netherlands

Today, I ate 30 chocolate pocket brownies, two caramel chocolates, two Budweisers. All of that while on my breaks at work. I'm a guy and I'm worried about getting diabetes while i'm actually craving more chocolate and sugar treats, my body is getting weaker, I'm getting dumber, fatter, and slower as we speak. FML

agreeclassic 294

vote type 1 1 213

All over the place

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was pulled over and administered a sobriety test due to an officer's suspicion that I was driving under the influence. I was completely sober, and, apparently, I suck at driving. FML

agreeclassic 23 422

vote type 1 12 129

BO issues

By morgan - 11/11/2022 06:00

Today, my girlfriend showered ten times, used an entire tube of deodorant, and continued to stink. It’s been like this for the past week, despite it being cold outside. FML

agreeclassic 838

vote type 1 131

Who's in charge?

By Anonymous - 11/11/2022 04:00

Today, I’ve been asking both my health insurance and the clinic in question under which circumstances an elective procedure would be covered by insurance. Each one of them tells me that the other has to make the decision. FML

agreeclassic 808

vote type 1 95

Preservation

By Anonymous - 11/11/2022 02:00 - Germany

Today, we were cleaning out my grandma’s freezer and found a perfectly preserved dead weasel, which she had put in there for some reason after the cat had killed it. My mom’s cat from when she was a child, that is. My mom is 64 now. FML

agreeclassic 911

vote type 1 87

Package deal

By Anonymous - 11/11/2022 00:00 - France

Today, my spoiled step-daughter had extra chores to do for breaking the rules. She called my wife at work, complained about the chores, then my wife called me and said that she didn't want to deal with the drama. It ended with, "Make her do something else!" WTF! She chooses her own punishment! I hate this kid, seriously. FML

agreeclassic 1 022

vote type 1 261

Yup, cool

By fiddlercrab - 10/11/2022 22:00

Today, I had the pleasure of having a kidney stones removal procedure where they hammer your kidneys to break up the stones. Afterwards, the doctor called my wife over the intercom to come to back to the waiting room. She freaks out, runs back, and the doctor says, “I just wanted to show this stone. Cool huh?" FML

agreeclassic 786

vote type 1 124

Let it all out

By Username - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff

Today, my four year-old daughter pulled her pants down in the middle of Best Buy. Apparently, you can smell the farts better when they don't have to pass through clothing. FML

agreeclassic 35 925

vote type 1 5 434

Kids these days…

By Anonymous - 10/11/2022 18:00

Today, I became a grandmother. At 44 years-old. My son is 15. FML

agreeclassic 982

vote type 1 309

Failed the taste test

By Anonymous - 10/11/2022 10:00 - United States - Stamford

Today, I was feeling nauseous so I decided to take some Pepto Bismol. However, the fake cherry flavor immediately made me vomit all over the kitchen floor. FML

agreeclassic 782

vote type 1 139

Impatient fish

By Anonymous - 10/11/2022 08:00 - Australia

Today, two of my daughter's fish died after owning them for a year. Yesterday I spent $400 on a new bigger fish tank so that they would be happier. I built the stand, set it up, and got everything running. All I had to do was let it run for a week so that the pH would be fine for them, and then move them across. FML

agreeclassic 780

vote type 1 170

Fix that lock

By embarrassed - 10/11/2022 12:00

Today, I went to the bathroom. I locked the stall door, but got walked in on anyway. This is the eighth time this has happened this week, and multiple people think I’m just too stupid to lock the door. FML

agreeclassic 734

vote type 1 221

Who's a good boy?

By Hey buddy - 10/11/2022 10:00

Today, my dog celebrated my coming home by slapping me in the junk repeatedly with his tail. FML

agreeclassic 617

vote type 1 190

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Intimacy Suspicious Sex Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Top

Today, I received a text from my boyfriend telling me how much I wore him out the night before, from all the sex we were having. We had sex for two minutes. FML

agreeclassic 25 755

vote type 1 3 184

Today, I got a separation agreement from my wife. It was sent from the lawyer she spent the long weekend with right before she told me it was over. FML

agreeclassic 30 095

vote type 1 2 482

Today, I went to the grocery store. I saw a very cute guy in the aisle and smiled. He smiled back and blushed a little. He walked over and I flirted with him. He said, "I thought you should know the zipper on your jeans is down" and walked away. It was. FML

agreeclassic 30 511

vote type 1 6 834

Today, my long time girlfriend flew across the country to visit. My asshat roommate decided to introduce himself to her while I was in the bathroom. She left and won't answer my calls. He won't tell me what he said to her. FML

agreeclassic 27 267

vote type 1 1 763

Today, I went searching for my old school laptop only to find that my stepdad had swiped it and given it to his mother. My sex tapes and nudes are on it. FML

agreeclassic 2 788

vote type 1 2 019

Today, I was complimented on my improved performance over the last 3 months. My boss said he doesn't know what I've done to improve, but to keep it up. I'd only started looking for another job, and stopped giving a shit. FML

agreeclassic 27 263

vote type 1 2 385