ALL FML

I didn't agree to this

By Anonymous - 17/08/2023 20:00

Today, like every day, my baby mama is bashing me on social media for not wanting to be involved with my kid's life. What she conveniently leaves out is she got my used rubber out of the trash to impregnate herself because she thought I would leave her soon. I already pay child support, so why can't she just leave me alone? FML

agreeclassic 1 113

vote type 1 231

Hit and run

By Ava777 - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while leaving school to skip fourth period, I hit someone's car in the parking lot. It was the teacher's whose class I was going to skip. FML

agreeclassic 11 878

vote type 1 60 500

Alexa, play "This is a Low" by Blur

By IHaveThePower - 17/08/2023 07:00 - United States - Carson City

Today, the month-long muscle spasms that have been shoving my hips out of joint went to a new low. My whole body feels like I have the flu, with muscle aches and tension. Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome does not mix well with PMDD. FML

agreeclassic 627

vote type 1 104

Take care

By Everything Counts - 17/08/2023 07:00 - United States

Today, and recently, I've been accused of being jealous whenever I point out that someone is taking advantage of my wife's kindness. I just want her to get the love and friendship she deserves, not these flighty balls of stress that then destabilize her moods. Self-care is sometimes being open to saying, "NO!" FML

agreeclassic 646

vote type 1 122

This ain't no place to be if you planned on bein' a star

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I took my car to a drive-through car wash. It wasn't until after my back seat was filled with foam and I had been squirted in the face that I realized my back seat window was rolled down. FML

agreeclassic 9 104

vote type 1 37 099

Not a clown car

By Anonymous - 17/08/2023 10:00

Today, after we had our daughter on purpose, then had twin girls by accident, my husband was going to get a vasectomy while I also decided to get my tubes tied as an extra precaution. At the appointment, they did a scan to make sure I’m not pregnant already… BOOM! I’m 7 weeks pregnant with twins again. FML

agreeclassic 875

vote type 1 477

Check every nook and cranny

By Menacing_Rascal - 17/08/2023 08:00

Today, while barbecuing, I noticed a small black baby spider crawling on my shirt. Then I felt another one crawling on the back of my neck. I still don't know if there were more than two baby spiders on me. FML

agreeclassic 553

vote type 1 115

Can't or won't?

By David - 17/08/2023 06:00

Today, after my dad was diagnosed with liver cancer, I'd packed my belongings and quit my job to go help my mom take care of him. Now she's had a stroke, so I spend my days/nights taking care of both of them. The thing is, I have 3 siblings that live within 5 miles that can't lift a finger to help. I love my parents. FML

agreeclassic 1 045

vote type 1 106

Classic internet marketplace

By Anonymous - 17/08/2023 04:00

Today, I put something up for sale online. I provided all pertinent information in the description, and I had about a dozen replies. From the questions they asked, I have to conclude that NONE of those people actually read the description. FML

agreeclassic 663

vote type 1 82

Stolen valor

By lifesucksbigtimefuys - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for years asked if I could be her "emergency gay friend." The worst part? I said yes. FML

agreeclassic 29 936

vote type 1 27 169

Leftovers

By Well Shit - 16/08/2023 21:00 - United Kingdom - Rickmansworth

Today, I had a really big, satisfying shit in the loo of a pub several miles from home. After getting back to my table, my stomach rumbled, and, assuming it was just gas, I let it go. What followed was approximately a litre of brown water, soaking my underwear, jeans, and chair, and dribbling onto the floor. FML

agreeclassic 861

vote type 1 439

Risky move

By Username - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my fiancé, the love of my life, informed me that he proposed because he was sure I'd say no. He was hoping it would lead to our breakup. FML

agreeclassic 48 995

vote type 1 3 896

Wasps can **** right off

By Anonymous - 16/08/2023 18:00

Today, a wasp flew straight up my nose and stung inside my nose and my upper lip about 8 times. I would very much like to be put in a medically-induced coma right now, but the emergency room nurse thinks I'm joking. I’m very much not joking, I want to be unconscious ASAP. FML

agreeclassic 783

vote type 1 123

Running late

By It’s your guy - 16/08/2023 15:00 - United Kingdom - Bedford

Today, I'm stuck in traffic and the rain is pouring. I guess I'll just have to wait until this is over. I wonder what I'll say to the interviewer when he cancels. FML

agreeclassic 553

vote type 1 174

Hiding something?

By Carolina - 16/08/2023 14:00

Today, my husband threw an epic tantrum about how “men are allowed to have female friends”, smashed stuff in the living room, for him to storm out and slam the door, making the house tremble. All I did was tell him that his friendship with his secretary made me uncomfortable. FML

agreeclassic 941

vote type 1 226

Blackout

By squishy - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I woke up with a ridiculous hangover and no memory of last night. I called my friend who told me that I was so trashed I ended up eating all the hamburgers and chicken fingers in her fridge. I've been a vegetarian for 15 years. FML

agreeclassic 14 141

vote type 1 51 965

Do not pass Go

By Anonymous - 16/08/2023 08:00

Today, I've hated being a parent ever since I was baby-trapped at 17, but I stuck through it and never let my son suspect how I really felt, and we have a great relationship now he’s an adult. Well he just moved out yesterday, and today my wife told me she’s pregnant. Here we fucking go again. FML

agreeclassic 387

vote type 1 1 328

Love thy neighbour

By Anonymous - 16/08/2023 06:00

Today, after I was finally able to afford a house in a nicer area so my kids could go to a better school, I was practically in the house for about 30 seconds before I started getting messages from neighbours, insinuating they don’t appreciate “my sort” and I should, “piss off back to Muslim-land.” I was born in Oxford. FML

agreeclassic 1 015

vote type 1 140

How very dare you?

By Anonymous - 16/08/2023 04:00

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he "couldn't handle the distance." He said he "couldn't commit to driving to see me long term." We live two hours apart, and I've driven to him every time; he never tried to come to me once. FML

agreeclassic 889

vote type 1 157

Prank wars

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I thought it would have been funny to cut off my friend's rat-tail. He thought it would be funny to put a brick through my windshield. FML

agreeclassic 16 770

vote type 1 119 084

No means no, Deborah

By Anonymous - 15/08/2023 16:00 - United States - Lafayette

Today, it's my birthday. A month ago, I'd told everyone I invited to my party that it was going to be adults only. One of my friends brought her kids with her anyway, then started screaming and trashing the place when I politely asked her to leave. The cops had to be called to finally get her out of my house. FML

agreeclassic 1 118

vote type 1 119

Close quarters

By Frannny - 15/08/2023 20:00

Today, my mother-in-law pulled into our driveway like a bat out of hell, knocking down the mailbox, and nearly running over our dog who was outside. What was the rush? Hannity was gonna come on TV. My husband refuses to find this woman a home. FML

agreeclassic 815

vote type 1 116

Too many JCS videos

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I discovered that when you buy ropes, duct tapes, a shovel, razor blades, a fire poker, and a carton of cigs, the police can turn up and search your house for 'prisoners'. Those items were actually coincidental. FML

agreeclassic 40 377

vote type 1 7 988

Occasional criminal

By Anonymous - 15/08/2023 10:00 - United States - Ashburn

Today, I put my travel cup of coffee on the shelf behind me while getting a haircut. When I left, I picked up my coffee and cell phone. A block later, the barber had chased me down to get his cell phone back. Yep, I had two phones in my pocket. FML

agreeclassic 537

vote type 1 294

Make it stop

By Ow ow owwww - 15/08/2023 07:00 - United States

Today, I have what is probably a cold sore on my upper lip. I also have a mustache, which keeps rubbing against it. Because of this, no matter what I do, it stings. The next few days are fixing to be very, very long and miserable. FML

agreeclassic 552

vote type 1 191

That's entertainment

By Anonymous - 15/08/2023 10:00

Today, in the middle of an argument with my wife, our autistic son started calling out tennis scores, which turned out to be his way of keeping score of who was winning the argument. Apparently, by the end, it was 40-love approaching server's deuce point, which I think means I lost the argument badly. FML

agreeclassic 655

vote type 1 239

Let me down gently

By Anonymous - 15/08/2023 08:00 - South Africa

Today, two days after I auctioned for a choir and they'd told me to come back and reaudition two days later, I returned to reaudition… only to be informed that they weren't holding auditions. FML

agreeclassic 630

vote type 1 121

Always tip generously

By Fuck you guys! - 15/08/2023 06:00

Today, I overheard a waitress calling me a cheapskate because I left a $2 tip on a $9 tab. When I told her she was ungrateful, rude, and unprofessional, she burst into tears and told the manager I’d threatened her. I was then banned from the restaurant, all while the little twat smirked. FML

agreeclassic 1 040

vote type 1 246

Mommy knows best?

By Mamasboyhater - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me because his mom told him to. FML

agreeclassic 47 194

vote type 1 5 729

Coercive freak

By Anonymous - 14/08/2023 18:02 - United States - Towaco

Today, my girlfriend hates my friends and I'm not allowed to talk or hang out with them. She keeps threatening my job. The only reason I'm still with her is because she will try and get me fired. She's crazy and so is the rest of her family. FML

agreeclassic 529

vote type 1 631

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Love Coworkers Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Jealousy Underwear Parents Thief Intimacy Suspicious Sex Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Top

Today, I went to my orthodontist where I was informed that I'll going to the prom, to my brother's wedding, and maybe to university with braces in my mouth. FML

agreeclassic 31 120

vote type 1 9 490

Today, as I realized I'm too broke to go out and get more toilet paper, I noticed my cat chewing on something and tearing it apart. It was my last roll. FML

agreeclassic 3 778

vote type 1 608

Today, while driving home, I saw a cop with a speed gun "hidden" by the side of the road. I went to slow down so the fuck-knob wouldn't be able to ticket me. I then had a brain-fart and floored the gas instead of hitting the brakes. Hello speeding ticket. FML

agreeclassic 13 052

vote type 1 29 747

Today, a spider crawled across my arm. After a quick dance in a fit of panic, I managed to scramble onto my bed. I thought I would stand up to see if I could spot the spider and maybe kill it. I was then promptly knocked unconscious by my ceiling fan. FML

agreeclassic 12 497

vote type 1 3 188

Today, my car horn got some sort of short and started beeping every 20 seconds or so. On the way to get it fixed, I got stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. Behind a cop car. FML

agreeclassic 2 034

vote type 1 131

Today, I was informed by my next door neighbor that they heard me singing in the shower last night. I laughed and she told me that the family gathers in their upstairs room closest to my bathroom window to guess which song I'm singing. Every night. FML

agreeclassic 35 628

vote type 1 6 610