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The all-time greatest FMLs

By anonymus - 18/08/2009 16:33 - United States

Today, I asked a woman where her beautiful accent was from. The woman stared at me for a while. Then her daughter told me that the reason her mother talked like that was because she had a stroke a few months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 893

You deserved it 10 317

Been there, done that

By Anonymous - 05/08/2014 02:00 - United States - New Ulm

Today, my blind date turned out to be my gynecologist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 890

You deserved it 4 621

By Anonymous - 26/08/2009 18:55 - United States

Today, I accidentally ran my thumb down the cheese grater while preparing lunch beside my wife. I instantly jerked my hand away from the grater just in time run my forearm across the knife she was using. I now have 20 stitches and 5 staples in my arm, no lunch, and a puking wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 887

You deserved it 4 727

By Anonymous - 05/04/2011 18:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house and we were just about to kiss. Until his mum walked in saying his girlfriend was at the door. I thought I was already there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 886

You deserved it 5 305

By alealovespurple - 16/08/2009 20:04 - Canada

Today, I went through my 15 year old daughter's internet history. On google she searched 'Excuses to get away from your dad' and 5 other variations of the same thing. We were supposed to be having a father daughter day tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 881

You deserved it 17 234

An attempt was made

By Nofatforme - 06/09/2009 04:19 - Canada

Today, I saw a girl I haven't seen in 4 years. She used to like me back then. Since then I have lost 50 pounds, and never had the confidence to ask her out. She said I looked really sexy so I decided to ask her out on a date then and there. She said no, she only likes fat guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 876

You deserved it 4 892

Stylish

By boo - 27/05/2009 18:15 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I had to drop my daughter off with my babysitter first. When I got to the interview, I got a weird look from the vice president of the company. I had lime green poop running down the side of my white blouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 872

You deserved it 7 429

By snitchovich - 27/05/2009 16:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting in a bar next to this gorgeous guy who kept eyeing me up and after about 30 minutes he finally leaned in to whisper something in my ear. What he said? "If I were you, I would get a push-up bra." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 872

You deserved it 6 048

By PlayTag - 05/02/2009 00:58 - United States

Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 871

You deserved it 18 708

By seeminglyunsexy - 14/08/2009 15:53 - United States

Today, my wife decided she didn't want to lose weight with me. We were trying to decide on a reward for each pound lost. I suggested sex as the reward. She felt it wasn't fair to punish her just because I lost weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 870

You deserved it 8 017

By Anonymous - 28/06/2013 19:41 - United States - Chicago Ridge

Today, a girl from my college, who's been following me around for months, finally asked me out. Not being interested, I politely declined. Now she's convinced everyone that we hooked up and that I have an incredibly small penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 868

You deserved it 7 469

Hedgehog

By Anonymous - 06/04/2009 21:50 - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend were telling each other secrets, so I told him I shaved my upper lip. He said, "I know, it's prickly when we make out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 868

You deserved it 27 539

By gonkc - 04/03/2009 07:05 - United States

Today, to remind myself to write a check for my speech and debate team (Lynbrook Speech and Debate), I wrote "LSD money" on the back of my hand. The Vice Principal saw it, dragged me to the office, and called my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 864

You deserved it 15 212

By TheKingKen - 02/07/2014 00:33 - Australia - Perth

Today, as I was picking up my 5-year-old brother from school, he hugged a girl from his class to say goodbye. His classmate's mom and I looked at each other, thinking it was adorable, until my brother decided to dry hump the side of his classmate's thigh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 863

You deserved it 4 933

TheKingKen tells us more.

TheKingKen 22

Wednesday 2 July 2014 13:42

Damn, sucks to be OP! I wouldn't wanna be him.

By Anonymous - 20/09/2013 21:00 - Hungary - Szeged

Today, my girlfriend came over to visit me and my brother at our apartment. I left for just five minutes to fix us lunch. When I got back, she was making out with my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 858

You deserved it 3 994

By Sam - 27/02/2011 21:42 - United States

Today, I overheard my parents in the kitchen talking about how they wanted to try anal tonight. There is over three and a half feet of snow outside, leaving me no way to escape the horrible sounds and mental images yet to come. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 855

You deserved it 4 320

By LosTits - 03/09/2009 17:38 - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend after not seeing him for 7 months. During this time I have lost a lot of weight and am proud of it. My boyfriend didn't say anything about the lost weight. When we were alone and things started to heat up, he took off my bra and said "I think your tits are smaller." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 852

You deserved it 5 274

By disappointed dad - 19/05/2013 07:35 - United States

Today, the couch I bought a week ago was delivered. I don't know which is worse: my son being the one to point out it's been "used", or that he used a black light to prove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 849

You deserved it 4 903

Breaking news

By nicolette5785452 - 16/11/2010 15:34 - United States

Today, I shadowed an ultrasound technician for my future career. She did an ultrasound on me to show me how to do the job. I found out I was pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 842

You deserved it 13 385

By Anonymous - 01/06/2013 00:02 - Guatemala - Guatemala City

Today, I was sending some dirty texts to my boyfriend, when I heard a knocking sound coming through the wall. I sat there for ten minutes before I realized I was listening to my mom and her boyfriend having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 841

You deserved it 6 582

By Anonymous - 17/10/2013 22:57 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came across some bubble wrap. Turned out it was a special type of bubble wrap that cannot be popped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 840

You deserved it 4 927

By Anonymous - 20/05/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, my husband was leaving for a long business trip to Germany. As he was leaving, my daughter started crying. "Don't leave me with her !' she said. 'Take me with you !' FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 834

You deserved it 8 943

Broke boy

By Noname - 02/03/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, I went to Tiffany's to exchange a bracelet my boyfriend had given me for our year anniversary. It was the first gift that he actually spent money on me for. The sales lady then told me that the bracelet was not a real Tiffany's item. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 833

You deserved it 21 271

By Christian - 28/09/2013 15:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. We are on a cruise together. She has already found another room to sleep in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 829

You deserved it 3 569

By jacey chreyest - 14/02/2014 21:57 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I married the love of my life. I was ecstatic until the wedding reception, where my new husband got drunk and started crying about how he'd been "forced" into marrying me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 828

You deserved it 5 020

Check her out

By minnie - 28/08/2009 18:30 - United States

Today, I was feeling sick and I farted really loud in the school's girls bathroom. Some boys overheard from the hall and called everyone over. I came out only to find about 20 guys staring anxiously at the bathroom's door to see who I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 826

You deserved it 6 914

By Anonymous - 14/03/2013 16:59 - Germany - Dortmund

Today, my girlfriend and I were going to get intimate, so I masturbated before leaving my place, hoping it would help me last longer than usual. 10 minutes in, she shoved me off and started screaming at me, convinced that I've been cheating on her and practising with someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 825

You deserved it 10 573

By Anonymous - 19/10/2009 07:10 - Indonesia

Today, when I proposed to my girlfriend of 8 years, she said no because she thought we were moving too fast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 825

You deserved it 3 409

By Anonymous - 23/07/2013 04:48 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, my husband was chased out of a bar after he was seen slipping something into a woman's drink. I was the woman, the 'something' was aspirin, and that's the last time we ever try to role-play. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 825

You deserved it 30 772

By Garchomp - 09/07/2013 02:08 - United States - Dodge City

Today, working my job, I had to explain to a kid that Pokemon is owned by Nintendo and they don't make it for the Xbox. Upset by this, he took hold of my leg and started biting. I'm also suspended, because his mother complained when I kicked him off me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 820

You deserved it 3 603

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The Top

Today, my manager cussed me out for being unable to keep a customer happy. That "customer" was a senile old twit who had wandered away from his carer, thought our shop was his living room, and demanded to know who replaced all his furniture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 454

You deserved it 396

Today, I texted this girl I really like and she didn't answer. She did about two hours later and it said, "Sorry, I was having sex at the time you texted me. So how are you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 993

You deserved it 4 244

Today, I'm working an 8-hour shift on less than 3 hours of sleep. In order to stay awake, I chugged 3 Red Bulls. Now I can't feel my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 861

You deserved it 6 844

Today, I caught my boyfriend masturbating, again. Meanwhile we haven’t had sex in weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 007

You deserved it 478

Today, I was painting my bedroom walls, when I was struck with an uncontrollable bout of diarrhea. I had to watch helplessly from the en-suite bathroom as my 2 year old daughter painted a lovely picture for me, all over my new $500 sofa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 344

You deserved it 8 370

Today, I got some lumber delivered to site and that shit was so bent and warped I could've cut it into foot long pieces and sold them as boomerangs. My boss is breathing down my neck about finishing on time to a high standard of work, yet he keeps buying subpar materials on the cheap. Tosser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 504

You deserved it 53