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The date from hell #5676

By DennisQuaide69 - 27/06/2017 00:00

Today, I went on an a date with a guy I met online. We were waiting in line at Starbucks when he turned to me and said, "Do you want anything?" Just before I was about to answer, he practically shoved in front of me and paid for himself. The cashier looked more horrified than I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 393

You deserved it 515

Ménage à nope

By 3somer - 20/08/2017 04:29

Today, I received a text from the woman with whom my boyfriend and I recently had a threesome. After years of fantasizing, I finally experienced what it was like to be with another girl. Now we also get to experience what it's like to have gonorrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 121

You deserved it 5 197

By DidNotExpectThat - 18/07/2016 07:30 - United States - Palo Alto

Today, my mom figured that the best time to announce that I'm adopted was during her speech at my wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 852

You deserved it 1 423

DidNotExpectThat tells us more.

DidNotExpectThat 2

Sunday 24 July 2016 0:47

OP here. My wedding was 3 weeks ago. Thanks for your kind comments, but no my mom wasn't drunk (she never drinks). I had a long conversation with her and my dad. Turns out she couldn't keep it to herself any longer. I'm no longer mad at her since she told me the whole story. Both my parents always told me a lot about their deceased best friend whom I'm named after. I'm actually that friend's daughter and my family took me in when both my biological parents died in a car accident when I was 3 months old. In a way, I know my biological parents through the memories of my adoptive parents. I've never suspected a thing since I have two little brothers and I kind of look like my mom. Telling me and everyone I love at my wedding was a way for her to honor her dear friend and 'share' that special moment in my life with her.

By Anonymous - 10/01/2018 01:30

Today, I went on a first date with a guy. As soon as we sat down at the restaurant, he immediately snatched my menu and said "You're having salad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 123

You deserved it 532

By Bbpoor - 10/04/2018 19:30 - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I bumped into my old university roommate. He's now a young retired BlackBerry millionaire. I asked if he saw my resume back in the day. He did, and put it through the shredder. Making out with his girlfriend during senior year was apparently very expensive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 784

You deserved it 7 035

Something

By Kidsthesedays - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Saint Neots

Today, a kid came into the classroom I teach in to tell me there was "something" in the girls' toilets. "What kind of something?" I asked. I was not expecting the answer, "A period mural." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 208

You deserved it 3 352

Tasty

By chew toy - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I went to see my sister and took a couple of dog biscuits for her dog. I forgot about them until later when I realised I had a hole in my pocket, near my crotch. The dog pointed this out by chomping my balls to get to the biscuits. My attempts to remove him resulted in more vigorous chewing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 569

You deserved it 968

By helpme - 25/09/2015 13:46 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a love letter during class and told him to read it when he got home. He texted me later asking me why I gave him my school assignment. I must have handed the love letter in to my teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 375

You deserved it 7 790

Ouch

By rawr117 - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, while working at the local paintball place, I noticed a girl without the safety on her paintball gun. I approached and reminded her to put the safety on, to which she replied "Don't worry, I'm not going to shoot you." And then she did. In the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 630

You deserved it 665

Looking forward to it

By OkieThePokie - 07/08/2017 13:00

Today, I found out that my unborn son has an abnormally large head. I have an abnormally small and narrow pelvis, and I'm allergic to local anesthetic, so no epidural or spinal for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 196

You deserved it 460

By littlekellilee - 16/09/2016 04:27 - Canada

Today, I was told I have narcolepsy, and I've it for a year and a half. When asked why I didn't go to a doctor before, I answered that I'd always assumed it was a normal adult thing to fall asleep randomly because of how everyone says they're always exhausted. Apparently not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 790

You deserved it 1 535

By "BunnysKitty" - 15/09/2017 23:15

Today, per my boyfriend's request, I bought some lingerie. He got so excited when he saw me, he ripped it off me right away. After we were done he used it to clean up. I essentially bought a $40 cum rag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 091

You deserved it 911

Stop lying

By dinosaurman - 07/10/2009 16:07 - Canada

Today, I found out that my sister, who is 16 years older than me, is actually my biological mother. She and my parents decided it was best that I didn't know who my real mother was, and to be raised by my grandparents as their child. I've always hated my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 192 668

You deserved it 10 025

By FartMyLife - 11/08/2016 11:34 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, the VP of my company stopped by my desk to personally deliver praise on my recent performance. I watched in helpless horror as the noxious fart I had just released slapped him in the face. He was too polite to leave but gagged through his entire speech. If farts can kill careers... FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 979

You deserved it 2 178

You want a piece of me?

By littlepeepboo - 30/01/2018 01:30

Today my boyfriend tried to be sexy and rip off my underwear. Instead, he bit a chunk out of my hip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 135

You deserved it 451

By WhatAKeeper - 02/05/2018 15:00 - Denmark

Today, my boyfriend accused me of ruining his life by getting pregnant. Apparently, the "love of his life" has now left him, and it's all my fault. I thought we were monogamous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 748

You deserved it 399

By Saraitkddh - 06/10/2018 05:00

Today, my friend told me that my brother sent her a picture of his dick. How did she tell me this? By sending me the picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 440

You deserved it 301

By ldemosthenous - 26/04/2017 15:03

Today, it's my birthday. My friends don't believe me since they "didn't get a Facebook notification." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 764

You deserved it 423

By bitch - 16/05/2017 05:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I dumped my boyfriend. To celebrate being newly single, I wanted to watch some shows on Netflix. My now ex-boyfriend had already changed the password. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 307

You deserved it 10 714

That was short-lived.

By adc2502 - 02/02/2018 11:00

Today, after getting my first debit card, I spent £60 on porn online. My mum made me print off a statement at the ATM as she wanted to know where my money had gone. She saw everything and cut up my card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 021

You deserved it 8 616

By Cress - 11/02/2018 19:00

Today, my dad asked what I wanted for my birthday. The only thing I wanted was the complete series of Dragon Ball Z on DVD. He just sighed, shook his head, and asked me to pick something normal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 320

You deserved it 2 010

Desperate times call for desperate measures!

By Big Mistake - 22/06/2018 19:30 - Canada - Ajax

Today, my new colleagues discovered the videos I did in college when I was short of money and didn't know they would end up online. My friend even asked if I was "the guy who came after 30 seconds and was comforted by the director". I was that guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 756

You deserved it 1 385

By Anonymous - 20/09/2018 03:00

Today, after years of telling my boyfriend I don't do anal, I agreed to try it once just to get him to stop whining about it. He was so gung-ho that he tried to force it in without doing enough "relaxing preparation" and he split the muscle around my ring. Now I need surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 255

You deserved it 947

By Single forever I guess - 30/09/2018 05:00

Today, after months of hurtful and derogatory remarks from matches, I had to add the line "Not trans, just ugly." to my Tinder bio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 058

You deserved it 357

By SaraSkyWolf - 17/10/2018 22:00

Today, we didn't have much to do at work, so I struck up a conversation with a coworker I have a crush on - a girl with one arm. I wanted to tell her I thought she was pretty, but I ended up saying I thought she looked like a pirate queen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 830

You deserved it 1 311

By Anonymous - 16/11/2018 13:30

Today, I was asleep in my back garden and woke up when a bird landed on my hat and took a big shit right in my open mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 951

You deserved it 479

By not twilight - 05/12/2015 00:47 - United States - Charlotte

Today, it was my first day working at a dog boarding kennel. I got bit... by my coworker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 490

You deserved it 1 650

By Anonymous - 05/09/2015 02:22 - United States - Purchase

Today, I was having a relaxing "wank", as they might say on Doctor Who, when a large spider descended from its web and came practically eye-to-eye with me. I screamed like a bitch and fell off my bed, pants around my ankles. Then my sister ran in to see what was wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 620

You deserved it 9 177

By TheDeathguard - 20/07/2017 20:05

Today, a couple yelled at me and reported me to the homeowner association for "watching them make out" at the pool. I'm the lifeguard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 715

You deserved it 296

By KeptMyHandsUp - 17/08/2017 17:15 - United States

Today, I was meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time. She warned me they were a little weird. Right when we walked in the door, her parents were there to greet us...in the nude. Apparently this constitutes as a LITTLE weird. They both hugged me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 193

You deserved it 355

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The Top

Today, I had awful morning sickness, and I asked my husband if he'd get me a drink while I went to the bathroom. On the way back, I witnessed him spitting in the glass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 566

You deserved it 2 928

Today, I went to the gym for the first time in months and couldn't figure out how to use any of the equipment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 551

You deserved it 328

Today, whilst visiting an unfamiliar office site for work, I was conversing with my boss about the possibility of considering myself for a managing position in the future. I then unintentionally followed him to the bathroom whilst walking and texting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 595

You deserved it 7 990

Today, I arrived home and it was freezing. I asked why the windows and doors on the terrace were open and my roommate told me it was because she'd mopped the floor… on the terrace. The terrace that's outdoors. She thinks that this way the floor would dry faster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 968

You deserved it 105

Today, my 18 year old son asked me to check if there were any monsters under his bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 371

You deserved it 7 503

Today, whilst at my job as a lifeguard, a small child decided he couldn't hold it any longer and released his bowels in the pool. It was my job to clean up his dump, including the floating pieces of sweetcorn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 310

You deserved it 3 297