The Top

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Read the room

By Anonymous - 04/06/2022 02:00 - United Kingdom - Sunderland

Today, I took my two kids to a restaurant with a graffiti-themed wall and took some lovely pictures that I promptly posted to family on social media. I didn't notice until a couple of hours later it said "ANAL?" in huge writing behind my dear child's head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 403

You deserved it 917

By lowlife123 - 01/05/2012 03:01 - United States - Manawa

Today, I found out my boyfriend gave me a surprise birthday present: herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 005

You deserved it 7 447

Geography

By Fhhmylifeman - 11/04/2021 11:00

Today, I invited my Peruvian girlfriend to my parent’s house for dinner. They decorated the house with Mexican flag and Fiesta lanyards, and bought Taco Bell. My girlfriend is vegetarian and had to explain to them that no, Peru is not a city in Mexico. It’s been 3 hours and she won’t pick up her calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 200

You deserved it 238

By sothishappened - 20/05/2014 09:54 - United States - Joliet

Today, I baked a strawberry cake and I didn't have any fresh strawberries for garnish, so I used a can of strawberry pie filling. My neighbors said it looked like the cake was taken from the dumpster behind an abortion clinic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 792

You deserved it 8 808

Admit it

By Rick - 02/10/2023 08:00

Today, I went to my colleague’s apartment so we could talk about a project for work over dinner. One thing led to another and the sexual tension we couldn’t unleash at work for months got to the best of us. It was the best sex I ever had and I want to come back for more. I just wish I didn’t have a wife at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 146

You deserved it 1 523

By crazyk2468 - 26/04/2012 17:29 - United States - Buena Park

Today, I found the best cure for constipation is having my brother scare the literal shit out of me, in Walmart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 758

You deserved it 2 580

Snark

By Anonymous - 04/04/2009 14:03 - United States

Today, I was fixing my makeup in the back room of the office when my boss walked in. He looked kind of annoyed so I jokingly said, "Don't you want your secretary to look good?" He said, "If I did, I wouldn't have hired you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 720

You deserved it 14 394

Read the room

By Anonymous - 04/07/2022 22:00

Today, my longtime coworker confessed that she's always been in love with me, and now that I'm finally single again she wants to start a relationship. The reason I'm "finally single again" is because my wife (who I had been with for 27 years) died last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 168

You deserved it 107

By JacktheRussian - 08/04/2013 00:33 - United States

Today, I saw a very attractive young woman struggling with some boxes. The seduction attempt resulted in me carrying 60lbs of items for 30mins. When we got to her apartment, she thanked me and introduced me to her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 968

You deserved it 42 472

By Gone With the Wind - 12/05/2014 03:29 - United States - Omaha

Today, the tornado sirens went off so my family went to the basement and turned on the TV to the local news. The station goes to their sky cam as a trampoline flies by. Quite the sight. When the storm passed, I looked outside to see our trampoline was gone. It was the one flying by on TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 709

You deserved it 4 880

Weewooweewoo

By hatemyjob - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I discovered that even though I now have a key to get into the office, I don't know the code to shut off the alarm system. I showed up early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 319

You deserved it 4 173

Red flags all over the place

By DumpedHisAss - 14/10/2009 15:19 - United States

Today, I got a phone call from my boyfriend, who screamed at me for being a f-ing liar and never taking time for him. He'd called my work and knew I wasn't there as I said I'd be. He was right - I was lying. I'd been driving for the past 10 hours to his family's beach house to surprise him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 317

You deserved it 3 784

How very dare you?

By minnEmouse - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I met my husband's old high school sweetheart. My mother-in-law introduced me to her as "one of my son's friends." We've been married for over eight years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 110

You deserved it 3 317

By shylahrc - 03/05/2014 23:51 - United States

Today, my mom discovered a new way to get over her breakup: yodelling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 196

You deserved it 3 539

Squirt

By Anonymous - 11/10/2009 04:48 - United States

Today, I had a UTI and the doctor said the medicine can sometimes make you leak a little. "Leak a little" apparently translates into peeing all over myself, my boyfriend, and his bed while we were sleeping. The doctor also said this medicine can stain your urine a beautiful, bright orange color. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 468

You deserved it 2 997

By Anonymous - 10/10/2009 17:53 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother said she trusted me enough to go with me for my first drive in my new car. As soon as we got in the car, she started hyperventilating and screaming we're going to crash. I didn't even start the engine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 078

You deserved it 2 925

Alexa, play "A Forest" by The Cure

By JesusLaidAnEgg - 10/09/2019 14:02

Today, I was driving around my campsite at dark in the middle of a forest. My father thought it would be funny to run up to my window, put his face against the glass and scream. I drove into a tree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 623

You deserved it 256

By hatelife - 14/06/2011 18:37 - United States

Today, I went to visit my boyfriend at work. That's where I met his pregnant girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 380

You deserved it 5 159

By brother love - 13/08/2010 05:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that the guy I like was only coming to my house to get closer to my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 786

You deserved it 3 937

Bad publicity

By And I'm still single - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, I found out that my picture from a dating profile was so "hilarious" that people have been posting it on Instagram with mean captions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 092

You deserved it 6 145

By gerligrl97 - 12/06/2011 18:50 - United States

Today, along with my virginity, my boyfriend took my laptop, iPhone, TV, and most of the food in my fridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 151

You deserved it 12 721

By gera3gera - 07/10/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, I was walking my dog when, as usual, he did his business in the grass and stepped off to the side. I squatted and reached for the bag when my dog spotted another canine. He lunged forward in excitement and I landed face forward in the feces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 838

You deserved it 4 135

By Tourist - 26/03/2009 07:19 - United States

Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML

I agree, your life sucks 206

You deserved it 1 176

Psychotic

By lostkid - 09/05/2021 08:01

Today, my mom strictly banned me from doing any of my chores, because I missed a spot while wiping the counters. She then screamed at me for not doing my chores. When I went to go do them, she screamed at me for doing my chores when I’m not allowed. I can’t win here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 312

You deserved it 122

By mbesameh - 11/06/2011 06:27 - United States

Today, I found out that my dad makes me wear dresses and skirts not because I look pretty in them, but because he was sick and tired of people asking him if I was a boy or a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 756

You deserved it 6 275

By Brandon - 10/08/2010 23:19 - United States

Today, my mom was taking an online IQ test. To the question "On which continent is Canada located?" she responded "Antarctica." If intelligence is genetic, I'm screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 532

You deserved it 3 712

By blackedout - 06/10/2009 05:25 - Singapore

Today, I fainted on the sidewalk. When I woke up, I was still lying on the sidewalk, people were stepping over me and my purse was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 301

You deserved it 3 809

Cut you out of my heart

By Konstantine - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - New Zealand

Today, I saw photos of my boyfriend at his 25th birthday party. The one he told me was cancelled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 357

You deserved it 3 654

Booty-full

By Enya - 26/07/2022 12:00

Today, the guy from college my sister set me up with told me I'm too nice to continue lying to. Turns out he's one of my sister's booty calls and she bribed him to go on a date with me so I'd stop being so miserable and depressing. Apparently he didn't want to take me out, so the bribe was she'd let him do butt stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 545

You deserved it 167

By DrugDeal - 09/06/2011 01:24 - Canada

Today, I was under a building overhang to avoid getting drenched by the rain while waiting for the bus. Apparently that corner is notorious for drug dealing, I found this out when a man angrily demanded his drugs and chased me half a block. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 672

You deserved it 3 412

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The Top

Today, I spent an hour trying to sleep before work, but I couldn't because my two dogs wouldn't stop barking. Completely pissed off, I finally went and told the little fuck nuggets to shut the shit up. I was then immediately knocked unconscious by the burglar in my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 821

You deserved it 16 585

Today, I was on a rowing machine at the gym, listening to a podcast. Something funny was said, I laughed, lost my balance and fell off, with my feet still stuck in the footrests. Someone had to come and help me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 906

You deserved it 5 105

Today, my son had to call me from his school's principal's office because he was disrupting his health class by laughing whenever the teacher said "Sex". My son is 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 395

You deserved it 4 257

Today, my Mom and I found out that we're allergic to the wood my Dad has been making fires with. She can't see, I can't breathe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 679

You deserved it 2 307

Today, I was at home, my mom came and saw me holding what she thought was a glass of beer. She took the glass, threw it and slapped me for drinking it. I was drinking Apple Juice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 725

You deserved it 3 187

Today, I had a conference call with a client. I was feeling confident and had been preparing all morning. Right in the middle of my presentation, I hit the wrong button, and my webcam feed turned into a close-up of my face, which had a giant zit right in the middle of my forehead. The client didn’t say anything, but I could see their eyes glued to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 336

You deserved it 207