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Funny words

By Anonymous - 23/08/2014 17:51 - United States - Long Beach

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a TV show about wildlife. The moment the narrator said the word "peacock", my boyfriend broke down into hysterical laughter. He laughed to the point of tears, and had to excuse himself. I'm dating a man-child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 004

You deserved it 8 414

By … - 28/06/2012 14:20 - United States

Today, after three months of them dating, I finally met the guy my best friend claims she's in love with. To my horror, she's dating the douchebag that I had a one-night stand with a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 497

You deserved it 6 990

By sleepyt127 - 07/05/2009 19:47 - United States

Today, after leaving a bar I fell asleep on the Q train heading home. I awoke at 5am in Coney Island, end of the line, to a cop poking me with his baton. He gave me a ticket for "Subway Vagrancy" even though I have a job and an apartment. He didn't ticket the homeless man next to me covered in piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 130

You deserved it 7 780

By Shrek's Pubes - 22/05/2019 20:00

Today, I tried to dye my hair blonde. Turns out, green hair doesn't suit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 467

You deserved it 587

By Michelle - 15/08/2011 08:15 - United States

Today, my parents heard me leaving my room at 2 am, and freaked out because they thought I was sneaking out. I was too embarrassed to tell them that I was getting food instead of having a social life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 225

You deserved it 23 218

By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 21:44 - Canada

Today, l was crouched on the ground in the doorway at a haunted mansion. It's part of my job here to scare the people passing by. A 12 year-old girl walked by, I grabbed her leg, and she kicked me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 989

You deserved it 41 845

By nycplywood - 18/11/2009 21:01 - United States

Today, I learned that if you stare at your cat and her eyes suddenly get really big, it means she's going to maul your face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 408

You deserved it 32 156

Sound off

By Nina - 20/05/2022 12:00

Today, before third period I went to the restroom and tried to take a sexy Snapchat video to surprise my boyfriend. My video was ruined thanks to some slob in the next stall taking the loudest most explosive dump I've ever heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 180

You deserved it 2 488

By Anonymous - 03/05/2009 17:46 - United States

Today, my soccer team got our warm up t-shirts that say "You can hit on us, but you can't score." After the game, a guy behind my friend asks, "Hey what does the front of your shirt say?" I replied for her, "You can hit on us." He looked at me and my friend and said, "No thanks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 166

You deserved it 11 492

By KMilly - 01/05/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I rolled down the windows in my car. When I tried to roll up the passenger side window, it was stuck. Rain was coming so I freaked out and brought it to the dealership to get it fixed. The man pushed the child safety lock button and the entire garage erupted in laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 416

You deserved it 62 555

By fuckmyliiiiiiife - 01/05/2009 01:40 - United States

Today, I woke up with the worst cold, ever. My nose was running like crazy and my eyes were all puffy. So I stumbled over to the medicine cabinet and took what I thought were three tylenol cold's. Two hours later I'm still sick and I can't leave the bathroom. They were laxatives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 441

You deserved it 25 981

Great start to life

By Anonymous - 27/07/2023 18:00 - United States

Today, after discovering that I’m pregnant from a week-long fling three months ago, I reached out to the guy, praying he’d be willing to offer some financial support, as I’m flat broke. Turns out he died in a car accident last month. I can’t even afford an abortion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 979

You deserved it 784

Highly inappropriate

By Anonymous - 27/05/2013 22:15 - United States - Lehi

Today, my in-laws came for dinner. My 5-year-old son chose that as the perfect time to say, "Good girls always swallow!" when my daughter coughed up some of her food. I have no idea where he heard it, but my mother-in-law blamed me, and my wife had to convince her not to call CPS on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 076

You deserved it 3 760

Be grateful

By Anonymous - 14/11/2009 21:59 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a bucket of Twizzlers for our one year anniversary because "He knew I liked them." He has no idea why I am so upset. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 610

You deserved it 47 439

It's for the best

By yesguysgetabusedtoo - 24/05/2013 23:42 - New Zealand - Papamoa

Today, my girlfriend had someone else dump me via text message. I knew it wasn't her because for once I wasn't being viciously insulted, and it wasn't written as if an illiterate baboon had taken a shit all over her keypad. I can't even feel happy about being rid of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 644

You deserved it 6 958

Time for some DIY

By Anonymous - 20/05/2022 22:00

Today, my husband and I were home alone and we wanted to do the nasty multiple times before our kids got back from school. He lasted less than two minutes, then fell asleep. It's been 6 weeks since my last orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 661

You deserved it 385

By Anonymous - 09/10/2010 21:27 - Canada

Today, I went shopping with a friend. She picked up a hundred dollars on the floor that somebody dropped. I told her, "I feel sorry for the retard who dropped the money." When I got home, I checked my purse and realized that I was missing a hundred dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 621

You deserved it 43 171

We're in Hell

By GetMeOut - 23/05/2022 14:01

Today, it’s my first day staying with my aunt since the untimely passing of my parents last week. So far, she slapped my phone out my hand for being on the phone with a guy, feeds me vegan food, and told me to “turn off that black people music.” Only a year and a half left until I turn 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 056

You deserved it 123

By brokeasajoke - 11/11/2009 16:13 - United States

Today, I let my dad borrow my car. I found out a few hours later that he has had a suspended license for three years. How did I find out? He got pulled over and arrested. My car was also impounded. I'm a college student barely making it as it is. Guess who can't afford the impound fees? FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 598

You deserved it 3 294

Honest day's work

By Anonymous - 24/02/2021 02:00

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after finding out that I opened an Onlyfans account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 521

You deserved it 4 467

By Anonymous - 07/06/2012 17:41 - United States - Oregon City

Today, I woke up from a sexy dream about my boyfriend. Too bad I'd fallen asleep in my living room with my whole family over, grandma included. They were all staring. I'd been sleep humping and moaning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 230

You deserved it 6 732

By cutiekenz21 - 31/07/2011 00:45 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's mother walked in on us having sex. He started crying and ran into the bathroom where my clothes were located, leaving me to deal with his mother. Naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 877

You deserved it 8 396

By ivannooze - 29/07/2011 21:40 - United States

Today, the heat rash that has been devouring my side for the last week was revealed to be something much worse: shingles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 744

You deserved it 3 053

Empty threat

By duck'n'cover!! - 10/08/2023 22:00

Today, during an argument, my girlfriend said she wasn't having sex with me anytime soon. She never wants sex in the first place, so her threat fell pretty flat. When I pointed this out, she went absolutely apeshit and started throwing plates at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 713

You deserved it 158

By Anonymous - 03/10/2010 01:34 - United States

Today, while I was going down on my girlfriend, she fell asleep. She said she was too tired to fake it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 575

You deserved it 9 593

By John - 07/11/2009 21:45 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 6 years. She said no. Why? She's already married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 753

You deserved it 6 359

Gas giant

By …how??? - 21/04/2022 06:00 - United States - Denver

Today, I learned that the average human farts 15 times a day. I fart more than that within the first hour of the day, and that’s even after not eating anything for three days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 772

You deserved it 167

It's not what you think

By Anonymous - 12/07/2014 01:36 - United States - Coeur D Alene

Today, I went on a date and ate in the park. When I crossed my legs under the table, I scraped my knee and got a lot of splinters in it. When I got back home and started digging out the splinters, my dad furiously demanded to know why I'd been on my knees during the date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 712

You deserved it 4 849

Morris was here

By ceetee - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, someone came over and told my mother, "I'm your son's friend Morris, I need to get something out of his car", so she gave him the keys. I have no friend called Morris, and now I don't have a sound system either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 044

You deserved it 3 508

By Anonymous - 06/07/2019 04:49

Today, I set up a date between my roommate, who I'm in love with, and his crush, who I'm jealous of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 244

You deserved it 1 021

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The Top

Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that person is me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 043

You deserved it 2 998

Today, my parents had a fight as to which one of them is the most cultured. As a result, they've begun writing my chore lists in a variety of languages. If I don't do them, I'm grounded. I only speak English. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 143

You deserved it 3 395

Today, I had to stifle a fart so my upstairs neighbors wouldn't hear it. I know this because I frequently hear theirs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 299

You deserved it 3 036

Today, I woke up early and went to the dermatologist's, only to have them tell me that the skin condition I have that causes big, white spots to appear is chronic and I can do nothing about it. But they did give me cream for a different skin condition they found. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 446

You deserved it 2 415

Today, I hid my credit card from myself so I wouldn't use it. Now I can't find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 305

You deserved it 49 312

Today, I took my dog to the park. While chatting with another dog owner, my dog managed to steal their sandwich and ran off with it. I had to chase my sandwich-thieving dog through the entire park. FML

I agree, your life sucks 577

You deserved it 231