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Just a couple of points I wanna touch on: 1) the shag rug: haha not my choice! It came with my apartment, where the rug is one of the least awful things about it. 2) I know I should have had the nail polish out of reach, but we were planning on painting my daughters nails as soon as one of us got the chance. She's never done anything like that before so I didn't think to lock it up. We did have a chat about it though, and it hasn't been an issue since (this happened a few weeks ago) 3)Thank you for the removal tips! Hopefully I can find one that works :)

By crazystar69 - 09/03/2011 18:19 - United States

Today, I was walking with my crush, and I told him how I felt. As soon as I turned to him, a bird shit on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 973

You deserved it 4 841

By Tonguetied0496 - 10/12/2012 07:21 - United States - Claremont

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time; he asked me to explain my interest in dating her. In a mix of me trying to say "I want to be with your daughter" and "I want to be in your daughter's life" I got confused and said, "I want to be in your daughter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 901

You deserved it 7 425

Sketchy move

By anon - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - Canada - Vaudreuil

Today, I went to see a hockey game. The announcer asked if anybody found a ring in the stands, because a girl lost hers. While he talked about it, I realised that I forgot mine in my pocket, so I took MY ring and put it on my finger. A guy saw me and thought I stole the lost one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 339

You deserved it 2 310

Dweebs

By XxtentaculonxX - 08/12/2012 22:52 - United Kingdom - Oban

Today, I was chatting to a friend on Facebook about girls, and why we're single. We somehow ended up admitting to one another that we'd never get girlfriends, finding out that we both like hentai porn, and trading info on Japanese sex toys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 837

You deserved it 32 586

Use the force wisely

By beckzx58 - 06/08/2009 23:16 - United States

Today, I was pretending to use the force to operate the elevator at my hotel, getting really into it. Someone was waiting to get on at my floor and saw me. Not to mention the staff now brings it up every time I'm around. Apparently they have cameras in their elevators. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 388

You deserved it 43 908

By SpanishInFrenchClass - 06/12/2012 05:35 - United States

Today, I had a presentation in French class. I was so nervous, the first thing I said when I got up there was, "Hola." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 795

You deserved it 5 447

Bizarre Love Triangle

By awkward - 27/02/2011 12:39 - Finland

Today, my mom got me a job working for the man she's cheating on my dad with. My dad doesn't know that she's cheating, and my mom doesn't know that I know. It's just awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 851

You deserved it 4 082

Shower sex time?

By mark - 31/12/2011 17:40 - United States

Today, my wife was about to take a shower, when she called me into the bathroom. She stripped me off and pulled me in with her. As I started to get into it, she sighed, "Thank god. You really needed a shower." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 704

You deserved it 40 297

Cat litter day

By Anonymous - 15/09/2021 14:01

Today, I found out my new neighbour tried to report me as a terrorist for, "speaking terrorist language and moving bags of that explosive fertiliser." I’m Japanese, and the bags were mostly rotting vegetables and animal dung. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 324

You deserved it 105

TMI

By queenxalee - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Orange

Today, I learned I was conceived to the sounds of a Spice Girls album. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 740

You deserved it 4 511

Creative mind

By Dean Heffern - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, I was paired up with a partner in my film class. He has an idea for a film: "Shoot an onion from all angles, light it on fire, and roll it down a hill." He was dead serious. I'm stuck with this guy for the whole year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 569

You deserved it 4 220

By thank god you'll only live once - 08/11/2013 20:12 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, in the lunch line at school, a kid literally ordered a "hamburger with extra swag." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 164

You deserved it 3 780

Chance encounter

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my cat ran outside. As I ran around the side of my house to get her, I felt a gigantic spiderweb land on my face. I also felt a light thud on my eye and it started to tear up. I ran inside and looked in a mirror, the spider was in my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 270

You deserved it 3 585

By WorkWeirdo - 30/03/2016 20:26 - Peru - Lima

Today, my boss finally checked the presentation I have been working on for three weeks. She called me into her office, and told me everything was dreadful, and requested me to start from scratch. It's due in half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 645

You deserved it 1 559

By dajfleasd - 25/07/2009 22:22 - United States

Today, I was getting ready for a date. I spent extra time getting ready in the shower, making sure I was all shaved. I was shaving my upper lip to make sure I didn't have a mustache. I cut my lip really badly, leaving the most noticable razor cut on my face for my date. I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 090

You deserved it 27 730

The 1970s called…

By titsmcgee - 11/02/2015 21:51 - United States - Oak Brook

Today, the CEO of my company leaned over and said, "Hey, I've been meaning to thank you…" I thought he was going to thank me for all of my hard work, but he continued, "…for wearing that shirt today. I can totally see your boobs." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 265

You deserved it 7 077

By Username - 09/02/2011 03:27

Today, I got mugged. But luckily I had on my keyring the pepper spray that my husband had insisted I keep with me. Unlucky for me, my husband's co-worker, who borrowed my keys, emptied my pepper by spraying it on a brick wall one day when he was bored. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 430

You deserved it 3 132

Wait, what?

By Sally - 24/07/2009 09:04 - United States

Today, my roommate came home and began changing clothes in the same room that my boyfriend and I were in. I quickly got annoyed and angry and when I began questioning her about it she just laughed while saying, "Oh relax, it's not like he's never seen me naked before." FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 472

You deserved it 4 795

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, my cousin started sending sarcastic love messages to me. I replied, with even cheesier lines. Then she rang me saying she was so glad I felt the same way. Turns out she wasn't being sarcastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 878

You deserved it 9 287

Today, my doctor told me that the reason I'm losing my eyesight is because I'm straining my eyes, and that the best thing for me to do is to limit my time in front of computers. I spent years in college to get my current job which involves sitting in front of computers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 290

You deserved it 2 761

Today, I received a message from front desk that my concerned father is trying to contact me. I call only to hear that my parents were freaking out that I wasn't answering my phone. They saw me 9 hours ago. They were going to call the police. I'm in college and also don't live with them anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 204

You deserved it 2 487

Today, my mother forwarded me an email my stepdad had sent her because he was annoyed that I left a light on last night. Talk about communication problems. I wonder how I'm going to tell them I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 110

You deserved it 6 749

Today, I came home and heard a noise in the bathroom. I figured it was my girlfriend, so I went over and as the door closed, I told her not to close it because I'd seen her beautiful body before. Turns out it was our roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 286

You deserved it 1 183

Today, my uncle was showing the scars he got fighting a wolf in defence of his wife. On the drive home, my girlfriend dumped me because she could never see me being man enough to fight a wolf for her. She made me stop the car so she could catch a bus back to her mom's house and never see me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 671

You deserved it 157