The Top

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Do as I say, not as I do

By Gracie - 24/05/2019 12:02

Today, I was having a cigarette in a smoking area when a mother with a pram strode towards me and exaggerated a cough to make some sort of point. Reluctantly, I put it out and walked off. I then turned around to see her lighting up a cigarette, and blowing smoke all over her baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 059

You deserved it 314

AITA?

By Kathryn - 13/08/2011 10:31 - Belgium

Today, I was driving my twin daughters to school, when I accidentally honked my horn. I told them it was an accident, then one of my kids said she already knew, because I didn't yell "ASSHOLE!" afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 409

You deserved it 41 194

By WorstMedicalBill - 20/11/2009 14:53 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when I realized I had to sneeze. Not wanting to sneeze on her, I tried my hardest to hold it in. When I climaxed, I couldn't hold it in any more and sneezed all over her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 212

You deserved it 21 886

By Ewwwww - 27/05/2019 11:59

Today, while working the register, I told a kid his total was $2.15. He then took his shoe off and handed me his money. It was damp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 044

You deserved it 114

Final destination

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my dad's cremated remains came in the mail. This is the first time in my entire adult life that he has visited me at my home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 542

You deserved it 2 831

Creeped out

By NotASpiderMan - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Seattle

Today, as I was changing my sheets, I found a huge spider under my pillow. My 10 year-old sister had to get rid of it for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 977

You deserved it 6 228

By notthenaughtymaid - 04/08/2014 21:54 - United States - Cedar Bluff

Today, I posted an ad online for house cleaning services. So far, all fifteen responses have been solicitations for sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 600

You deserved it 4 362

By Anonymous - 06/10/2015 16:22 - United States - Newtown Square

Today, after hearing the results of my spinal tap, following several scans, my doctor said discovering that I have Multiple Sclerosis was a "happy accident". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 018

You deserved it 1 504

By pandora - 13/06/2012 09:08 - Israel - Palmahim

Today, I fell asleep on the bus. When I woke up, my head was resting on the broad, tanned shoulder of the smoking hot guy sitting next to me. I had drooled a little. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 560

You deserved it 5 099

By kate - 29/04/2009 01:39 - United States

Today, I was eating at Applebees at a high table with bar stools. I was reaching over to get some gum out of mom's purse when my chair flipped out from under me and my soda fell on top of me and got in my ear. To make things worse, the waiter ran over and shouted "I give that one a 10!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 803

You deserved it 8 584

Karaoke night

By helluvasinger - 12/11/2009 11:00 - South Africa

Today, I went to a karaoke bar that my girlfriend works at. I'm a halfway decent singer, so I picked out a song we both liked and decided to give it a go. Halfway through the song I sneezed, tripped, fell off the stage and knocked myself out in front of my girlfriend and fifty bar patrons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 228

You deserved it 5 496

Hi uncle, I'm dad

By Anonymous - 01/03/2021 00:30

Today, I found out I'm an uncle. Normally this would be great news, except I have spent the last 8 years thinking I was her father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 034

You deserved it 76

By FML - 29/07/2011 04:20 - United States

Today, I found out that when you kick another man in the snowglobes and he smiles at you, there's something creepily wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 343

You deserved it 7 546

By melean - 04/10/2010 06:37 - Trinidad and Tobago

Today, on my way to school I dropped my money. As I turned to pick it up, I saw an old lady snatch it up. We began to argue when a police officer came over. Not only was I accused of being a disorderly thief, but that old lady just walked away with my lunch money for the entire week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 725

You deserved it 3 091

Our soul

By baddream - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, at my grandmother's funeral I tried my hardest not to cry, only allowing tears to fall and not making any noise, to be respectful at her funeral. Afterwards, my mother tells my father that I didn't cry, which obviously meant that I didn't love my grandmother and had no soul. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 032

You deserved it 4 782

By Anonymous - 02/06/2012 16:46 - Ireland - Bagenalstown

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone, when I accidentally let rip a monstrous fart. He swore at me for being a pig, hung up, and has ignored all my subsequent calls. I try not to date idiots, but it's like I have a big old shithead-attracting magnet attached to me or something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 158

You deserved it 14 890

By Anonymous - 03/07/2019 06:00

Today, my cat still loves my boyfriend more than me. I spent around 6 months convincing my boyfriend to get a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 375

You deserved it 439

By Anonymous - 01/06/2012 07:02 - United States

Today, Child Protective Services came to my house, because my 7-year-old son told people at school that he was uncomfortable sleeping in his uncle's bed. I had to explain to them that the uncle in question died 2 years ago, and that's why it felt weird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 447

You deserved it 2 804

By Johannes_712 - 05/07/2019 12:00

Today, my brother is getting married to my crush of 7 years. To make that even worse, they're moving in with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 687

You deserved it 605

By Smokey9 - 25/07/2011 15:12 - United States

Today, yep, pubic hair is still flammable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 617

You deserved it 62 590

Please leave

By Anonymous - 29/09/2010 01:36 - United States

Today, the woman who sits behind me in class showed up. She shrieks in laughter until she has coughing fits every time anything even remotely sexual is mentioned, including evidence in sexual assault cases. Lectures are 3 hours long, twice a week, and I need this class to graduate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 593

You deserved it 2 590

By toni405 - 21/07/2011 21:24 - United States

Today, after watching Insidious, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to scare me while I was on the toilet. I was in mid-piss when he jumped out at me, and I ran screaming and peeing down the hall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 788

You deserved it 11 490

By TheKingKen - 02/07/2014 00:33 - Australia - Perth

Today, as I was picking up my 5-year-old brother from school, he hugged a girl from his class to say goodbye. His classmate's mom and I looked at each other, thinking it was adorable, until my brother decided to dry hump the side of his classmate's thigh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 864

You deserved it 4 934

TheKingKen tells us more.

TheKingKen 22

Wednesday 2 July 2014 13:42

Damn, sucks to be OP! I wouldn't wanna be him.

By Anonymous - 15/07/2019 18:00

Today, I realised the recruiter for the Navy lied to me. This shit ain't fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 894

You deserved it 2 457

Better safe

By stretchy - 06/05/2013 19:58 - United States - Bethesda

Today, my boyfriend forced me to do stretching exercises with him before and after sex as a "safety precaution". FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 710

You deserved it 9 364

Epic prank

By Andrew - 24/09/2010 10:22 - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my grandpa, and he stopped flipping channels on a movie with a hot naked chick getting oiled down. Suddenly the remote landed on my stomach as my mom and grandma walked in. They yelled at me for being a pervert, while my grandpa sat and chuckled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 303

You deserved it 4 590

Say it, don't spray it

By Anonymous - 18/04/2009 10:42 - United States

Today, I was at a frat band party dancing with my girl when I felt some liquid on my arm. Normally, I'll lick spilled drinks off my arms and being slightly intoxicated, I did. Then I realized it was chunky. The girl dancing next to us had puked everywhere and I licked her vomit off my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 033

You deserved it 115 259

Revenge is a wheel best served cold

By jacked - 17/04/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, my car got a flat tire. I jacked up my car, removed the flat, and went to get my spare out of the trunk. Where my spare is supposed to be, I found a note. It said, "You're a bitch - John". John is my ex-boyfriend. He borrowed my car the day we broke up, apparently he stole my spare tire too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 180

You deserved it 9 771

By PhantomKitty - 21/10/2016 03:07 - United States - Saint Albans

Today, I called in about a job application I put in over a week ago. Apparently, the branch of the company that I applied to was never given my information, and the position was filled days ago. I've been checking the status of the position online daily, and it still says that it's open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 270

You deserved it 917

By paywithpoop - 22/06/2014 15:10 - United States

Today, I came home and found that my home had been robbed. The worst part? One of the thieves took a dump in my toilet and didn't flush. It doesn't even look human. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 026

You deserved it 3 893

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The Top

Today, I was sick and tired of my husband talking to his female friend from high school all the time. They reconnected after 7 years and have been talking non-stop day and night, to the point of neglecting the marriage. I told him it was either me or her. He took off his ring and kicked me out of our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 245

You deserved it 353

Today, my fiancé admitted to me that he only found big girls attractive, and that's why he could never cheat on me with my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 599

You deserved it 6 943

Today, some absolute scumbucket cut the straps of the cover I put over my windscreen, so this morning it was completely iced over. It only delayed me by about 10 minutes but still… what a shitty thing to do to someone first thing in the snowy morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 401

You deserved it 52

Today, I went to the supermarket and picked up some groceries, along with what I thought was a bag of chips. I ripped it open in the car and realized it was a bag of birdseed. As I spat out the birdseed through the car's open window and tried to clean the mess, a pigeon flew into my car and attacked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 293

You deserved it 898

Today, I was getting my picture taken with my mom and grandma for a portrait. I said it was going to be beautiful when it was done, with three generations of our family in it. My grandma said that would be true, if I weren't adopted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 956

You deserved it 1 192

Today, I bumped into a guy I've had a crush on for a long time now. I lied about not having time to go on a trip, I just don't make enough money to do so. He then went on for 30 minutes about his trip to Italy with all his friends. I can't and will never be able to afford something like that. Clearly out of my league. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 006

You deserved it 206