The Top

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By oncehipjr - 03/10/2014 19:04 - United States - Dallas

Today, I found out I'm allergic to condoms. Which would be great if my girlfriend wasn't allergic to birth control. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 449

You deserved it 4 555

They weren't wrong...

By aginglikemilk - 14/03/2017 18:00

Today, I had a customer tell me that I don't look a day over 39. I'm 35. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 077

You deserved it 460

Just go home already!

By Please go home - 05/04/2019 00:00

Today, it's now the third week my boyfriend's best friend has been sleeping on our bedroom floor because he doesn't want to face the consequences of his actions back at his parents' place. My boyfriend sees no problem with this, and says he can stay and live off us as long as he wants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 478

You deserved it 312

By Anonyme - 20/10/2016 02:50 - Belgium - Genk

Today, I broke my nose by falling on the cast I have on my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 992

You deserved it 110

Be more specific

By readytoamputatemyfeet - 30/06/2013 23:00 - United States - Winter Springs

Today, my shoe fell apart a few minutes after I got to work. I called my boyfriend and asked him to bring me the "pretty black pair" in my closet. What did he bring? Black stilettos. I'm a waitress with an eight-hour shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 569

You deserved it 32 219

Kinda harsh, don't ya think?

By are you kidding me???? - 20/07/2012 04:58 - United States - Chaplin

Today, my boss fired me for "fooling around" on my phone. I was looking for supplies for a surprise party we are throwing him for his birthday, and I didn't want to do it on my work computer because he has access to our history. Also, this happened during my lunch break. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 445

You deserved it 1 964

By Anonymous - 17/07/2012 13:54 - Greece - Athens

Today, I gave up smoking. A few hours later, I caught myself daydreaming about brutally killing a guy that gave me a mean look at the bus. Maybe I should go back to smoking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 318

You deserved it 5 737

By Nucléotide - 28/07/2008 09:37 - France

Today, I'm looking after three little girls, aged 3, 5 and 7 years old. We're watching Bambi, and when the mom dies, my eyes tear up. The girls', not so much. They climb on my knees, telling me that it's just a cartoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 591

You deserved it 117

Relatable

By ayeayeboy19 - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I was watching "My Strange Addiction". The woman featured ate rocks. While judging her weird habit, I realised I was chewing on a coat-hanger the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 140

You deserved it 14 493

Baywatch music starts

By Anonymous - 01/05/2019 12:00

Today, I nearly drowned. I was at a wave pool for the first time and stupidly swam out to the deep end. When the waves turned on, I discovered I can't swim in rough water. Despite my yelling, "Help!" and flailing around, the lifeguard paid me no attention. My friend had to save me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 097

You deserved it 629

By o_O - 23/06/2013 17:26 - United States - Bowling Green

Today, I took my cat to the vet. The creepy vet looked me in the eyes and said, "This isn't the only pussy I'll be checking out today." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 340

You deserved it 4 153

Fair enough…

By badboyfriends - 15/05/2009 05:44 - United States

Today, my best friend got a new boyfriend. She asked him what he wanted for his upcoming birthday, and he said he just wanted to hang out with her and watch a movie or two. I thought it was sweet, so I asked my boyfriend what he would like for his upcoming birthday. He said a blow job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 244

You deserved it 47 768

By newcomer - 12/04/2017 12:00 - Canada - Kingston

Today, to treat the family, I cooked something nice in appreciation for sticking it out over the past few tough months. Unfortunately, I chose this one day to not wear my oven mitts when carrying the food to the table, spilling the food all over the carpeted floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 533

You deserved it 2 976

No help wanted

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Portland

Today, I saw a customer wandering around, looking confused. I went over and kindly asked if I could help him find anything. He said no, but that he'd help me find the teeth he'd knock out of my mouth if I didn't get lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 835

You deserved it 3 398

By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 00:10 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother, my aunt, and my two sisters are all on their periods. I can't even brush my teeth in my own house without being treated like a criminal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 764

You deserved it 5 326

Fried

By RandomLG94 - 31/10/2015 20:35 - United States - Columbia

Today, I was fired from my job because I would "scare" the customers. Two days ago, a coworker spilled fry oil onto the grill, causing flames to singe my eyebrows and the front of my hair off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 053

You deserved it 1 583

By ch4nny - 29/08/2014 01:47 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my boyfriend was stroking my stomach and looking into my eyes. It was very romantic, until he grabbed my love handles and said, "Mmmm... bacon..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 284

You deserved it 5 697

Fuelled

By driver - 25/11/2009 22:24 - New Zealand

Today, I went to start my truck that I had parked in my driveway after a long haul. The fuel gauge indicated I had a full tank. I didn't fill up. My neighbours' son decided to fill the tank with water with a hose, 150 litres worth on top of diesel. His dad's response? "Kids eh, what ya gonna do?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 674

You deserved it 2 660

By MomOfBoys - 22/12/2016 21:20

Today, it's early-release before Christmas break for the kiddos, and my awesome-sauce boss let them hang out in our law office for the afternoon. So far, one has puked in the conference room, and the other has clogged the toilet. Only 2 hours to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 827

You deserved it 845

By nhyari - 25/08/2014 18:58 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my girlfriend got her period. It seemed more painful for her than usual, so I offered to go out and buy some painkillers and maybe some chocolate for her. She thought I was being sarcastic and slapped me so hard I saw stars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 195

You deserved it 4 173

Curb your expectations

By Academia - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I got accepted into University, onto a course I don't want to do, but my parents said they would disown me if I didn't go. I believe them, since they haven't spoken to my shop assistant sister in about three years now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 377

You deserved it 3 101

By Anonymous - 12/06/2013 02:12 - United States

Today, my mother came into my workplace to wail on me for "ruining our family's reputation" because I got a girl pregnant. I've been married to the "girl" for 8 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 339

You deserved it 3 324

By Guessmyproffhatesme - 13/12/2016 19:54

Today, in exams to become a funeral director, my full name was used as the example of the deceased in a few questions. Actually, 22 questions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 655

You deserved it 633

It doesn't

By Anonymous - 10/04/2022 14:00

Today, my girlfriend and I have literally had our genitals in each other’s mouths and tongues in each other’s ass cracks, yet when I used her toothbrush, I’m gross and nasty, and deserve a sex ban for two weeks. How does this make sense? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 240

You deserved it 1 034

TMI

By Anonymous - 16/05/2022 14:00

Today, I don’t know what my twin sister sees in her new boyfriend, he’s such a creep. I assume that last night they had sex for the first time, because he came up to me, grinning that stupid creepy grin of his, and said to my face that, since were twins, he now knows what my anus looks like too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 261

You deserved it 203

Should be interesting at the office tomorrow…

By confused_lemon - 04/06/2019 00:00

Today, I got thrown out by a guy I really like, with the words, "Can you leave me the fuck alone, please?" I took my stuff and left as quickly as I could, just to fall down the stairs on his doorway, and twist my ankle really bad. He's someone from work as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 653

You deserved it 687

By Poorphone - 08/12/2016 17:23 - United States - Denver

Today, my car got stuck in a foot of snow. I tried desperately digging around my wheels to see if it would help. I was finally able to get out 10 minutes later only to realize that I had dropped my phone in the snow while I was digging and had run over it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 893

You deserved it 1 041

By Anonymous - 06/06/2019 20:01

Today, I found out that the airhead sitting next to me at work who can't get anything done on her own, makes more money than I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 026

You deserved it 165

By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 14:03 - United States

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, her pet bird whistled a tune she'd been trying to teach it. She stopped and congratulated it, and I took the chance to move it to the other room to prevent further distraction. She got mad and wouldn't let me back in bed because I just "untrained it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 508

You deserved it 7 723

By mmckie - 11/06/2019 22:00

Today, I went into a restaurant with my family. I slipped off my chair, pulling the tablecloth with all the food and drinks on it with me onto the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 735

You deserved it 454

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The Top

Today, I had a date with an amazing girl so in the shower I wanted to make sure I was extra clean. With the soaped up shower puff in hand I tried to get as much of my back as I could which led to me pushing too far and dislocating my shoulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 008

You deserved it 2 995

Today, I found out my ex bought a digital camera, an iPod, and a large flat-screen TV, all purchased with the alimony I'm paying him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 800

You deserved it 7 794

Today, I am now sleeping on the floor because my friend got super drunk at a small party then peed herself in her sleep. I was sleeping beside her and my clothes smell like pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 183

You deserved it 243

Today, I was feeling suicidal and needed to talk to someone about it, so I called up the only person in the world who cares about me: my mom. Or so I thought. Her immediate response was, “You should go ahead and end it.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 746

You deserved it 149

Today, I found myself in the unenviable position of buying tampons, chocolate, ice cream, and condoms for a woman I’m in love with, but am not dating. She asked me to get them since I was going to the shops anyway. I want to die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 398

You deserved it 1 441

Today, I discovered that I bought two shampoos instead of a shampoo and conditioner. So for the past three months, I’ve been washing my hair twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 104

You deserved it 488