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By Rae - 30/07/2009 13:56 - United States

Today, I picked up my daughter from the day care but before we left, the babysitter needed to have a talk with me. To fill you in, I got a brand new prius yesterday. Apparently my daughter told eveyone that her mommy got a new penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 475

You deserved it 4 499

Some people just don't like surprises

By alone and horny - 20/06/2020 20:01

Today, I went outside to smoke a cigarette. When I started to head back in, I saw a shadow move across my bedroom window. I live alone, so I waited outside and called the police. They came and investigated, only to drag my naked boyfriend out, where he promptly dumped me. I forgot our 2-year anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 850

You deserved it 1 748

By O - 04/04/2016 03:38 - Sweden

Today, I noticed that both my managers completely ignored me when I told them that I'm fully booked, and can't take any more clients. Both of them scheduled additional clients. At the same. Three people from different companies will show up at my office at the same time. Yep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 317

You deserved it 1 446

By Anonymous - 02/04/2016 09:23 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my sister called me a moron after I told her that no, healthy foods do not give you "negative calories". She's 21 and goes around telling everyone that she's an expert nutritionist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 527

You deserved it 1 650

Protip

By condom_kid - 27/07/2009 14:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, my father pulled me aside as I was heading off to my girlfriend's house. He said, "Next time you have sex, don't leave the tied up condom in its wrapper inside your shorts pocket, otherwise your mother might find it again as she's folding laundry." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 430

You deserved it 73 652

By Shaky - 30/08/2018 01:30 - Australia - The Gap

Today, I really realised how bad my anxiety had gotten when we got our corporate photos done for work. My smile was shaking so much the guy couldn't take my photo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 633

You deserved it 251

By Jane M - 25/10/2013 23:20 - United States - Lafayette

Today, my mother came over to visit, and my kids started excitedly telling her Christmas is coming soon. She freaked out, saying Christmas is a "Satanic holiday" and telling them that Santa is going to hell along with everyone who celebrates it. My children are now traumatized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 869

You deserved it 3 756

By Cùchulainn - 10/01/2009 03:23 - France

Today, I came home from work. I crept up to the bedroom to gently wake up my girlfriend. I touch her shoulder and slowly leant in to give her a tender kiss. She suddenly wakes up and grabs me by the throat... I keep forgetting she's in the army. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 098

You deserved it 9 546

By thanks google - 04/09/2018 23:30 - United States - Naperville

Today, while I was driving, Google said it found a faster route to save me 15 minutes. I hit accept, only be directed into a gridlock on the interstate, adding an hour to my drive time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 692

You deserved it 450

By Anonymous - 08/02/2015 16:05 - United States

Spicy

Today, a creepy old guy kept hitting on me in line at Subway. I got scared and told him to back off because my dad was waiting for me outside. He replied that he wouldn't object to a three-way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 041

You deserved it 2 753

To the window, to the wall

By Kim - 17/07/2020 23:01

Today, I saw my boyfriend using a washcloth to clean his cock and sweaty balls. He told me he's been doing this for quite some time now. Guess who's been using the same washcloth to clean her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 596

You deserved it 437

Busted

By Anonymous - 16/07/2009 05:51 - United States

Spicy

Today, my wife gave me back my camera which she took on vacation to visit her parents with our 2-year old. I noticed the picture sequence had big gaps in the numbering. I ran an undelete on the card, and found 80+ pictures of her naked with another guy in her mom's bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 102 782

You deserved it 5 497

By Anonymous - 12/03/2016 14:13 - United Kingdom - Neath

Today, after struggling to get something out of my eye, I kept my eye open long so it would start to water. My mother in law noticed and said, "Aww, do you need a therapist again?" She knows full well I struggle with chronic depression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 672

You deserved it 1 599

I have sex

By Anonymous - 14/11/2021 08:00 - United States - Vancouver

Spicy

Today, I had a threesome with two girls. We'd hashed everything out and decided it would just be a one time thing, no attachments. It was great, but afterwards they both got mad at me for not trying to date one of them, and then accused me of wanting the other friend more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 401

You deserved it 1 851

By Ryuuchild666 - 01/10/2018 13:30

Today, I bought a 3 lb bag of pears. The first two bites were delicious! The third bite revealed a worm and its thousands of eggs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 539

You deserved it 232

Brothers in arms

By MitchRapp - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my brother asked me what I want for my birthday, so I said that we could just hang out. He told me I should ask for something more realistic, like a gift card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 565

You deserved it 1 759

By Nearly blind - 07/10/2018 17:30

Today, I forgot my contact solution and used my sister's. When I put them in, my eyes burnt like hell. Apparently my sister has a new solution that is acidic and only gets neutralized after 12 hours in a special container. The warning is on the INSIDE of the bottle label. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 946

You deserved it 626

I need it

By Anonymous - 31/08/2020 07:55 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, my husband and I have such busy careers, we have to schedule sex for when we’re both at home and hopefully not too tired, otherwise we’d never have sex at all. The last time we had sex was on my birthday, in April, and our next appointment is mid September. I really miss sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 138

You deserved it 629

Caught in 4K

By Anonymous - 09/11/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my wife and I were looking online at the house her piano teacher is selling. When she said, "Oh the bedroom looks much larger with the furniture gone," a long awkward silence followed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 514

You deserved it 206

Cool beans

By Really? - 31/12/2016 01:54 - Australia - Homebush

Today, during an endless heat wave, I sat at my local pub having a beer. I was delighted as a cool sea breeze started to come through. I was less delighted when the sea breeze picked up and blew cigarette ash onto my sweaty face and into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 572

You deserved it 1 183

Panic mode engaged

By Kit - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved him. He told me he was a dinosaur. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 740

You deserved it 6 023

And then.....

By Emmpag - 02/02/2020 01:00 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I bought my very first car that I spent years saving for. A few hours after I signed all the papers, I let my boyfriend go for a test drive. He totaled it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 319

You deserved it 816

All in the family

By notasgood - 12/01/2010 23:54 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend dumped me so he could sleep with my mom without feeling guilty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 660

You deserved it 3 353

Pile up

By Fitz - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a woman drove through my house. She was texting and eating watermelon at the same time. I didn't know that was even possible, but now my house is condemned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 134 611

You deserved it 6 254

By Dv0829 - 21/10/2011 05:42 - United States

Today, I went to the store with my girlfriend. She needed to use the bathroom so I started looking at the books. It wasn't until the manager shot me a weird look that I realized I'd wandered down too far and was looking at bridal magazines, holding tampons, dog treats, and hair spray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 257

You deserved it 4 836

By wedding leper - 23/01/2016 05:25 - United States - Tucson

Today, I woke up after a two-day drive to go to my cousin's wedding. The view is beautiful, there's mountains everywhere, and my new backless dress is gorgeous. Too bad the hotel has bed bugs and my whole body is entirely covered in bright red bumps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 560

You deserved it 1 579

By Mini-wanker - 18/10/2011 17:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, after having had sex with my girlfriend for the first time the night before, she went to the doctor. He said she's still physically a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 584

You deserved it 8 878

By anonymous - 22/01/2016 01:55 - United States - Bellefontaine

Today, I met up with my dad for the first time in 7 years. We planned to go to a nice restaurant but he changed the place we were going to, to Chuck E. Cheese. I'm 18 years old. I waited an hour for him to show up. I then ended up babysitting his daughter the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 004

You deserved it 1 620

Cowboy contractors

By Anonymous - 29/12/2021 05:01

Today, my recently built semi-detached house is so cheap and shoddily put together, I can both hear and feel the vibrations of my grossly obese neighbour farting in her sleep. No joke, every time she farts, I feel it vibrating my bed frame through the floorboards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 196

You deserved it 192

By UKRukus - 18/01/2016 21:13 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I stopped a guy from running under a moving London bus. No-one else saw what happened. How did the guy thank me? He wanted to fight me because I made him miss the bus I just saved him from. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 400

You deserved it 1 385

UKRukus tells us more.

UKRukus 12

Wednesday 20 January 2016 4:57

It was not a routemaster. im a londoner too. i take risks crossing myself, but i know when you can do it, and when you cant. this guy didnt realise the bus was right behind him as he went to run out on the road. he wouldnt have made it. if he goes about catching buses like that every day, it defies science and logic as to how he is still alive.

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The Top

The Top

Today, while I was walking home alone, a homeless man approached me and took me by the hand. Apparently, he's been watching me for weeks and has fallen madly in love with me. He told me not to worry, though, he's "not a rapist." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 308

You deserved it 2 466

Today, my friend and I got into such a heated debate the police had to be called. The debate was about Whitney Houston. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 200

You deserved it 32 923

Today, I got caught sniffing a rat, and now my boss is forcing me to be tested for the black death and is "terrified" that I made everyone sick, and says I may be fired from my job as a pediatric anesthesiologist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 416

You deserved it 1 250

Today, I called the suicide hotline after two months of recurring thoughts. I got put on hold by their machine, then was on call with someone who barely spoke English, got transferred to another building, so I was put on hold again, and finally got hung up on. I was already feeling pretty worthless, so thanks guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 391

You deserved it 128

Today, my wife of 8 years has been cheating on me for 5 of those years, making fun of me with her family that I don't have a social life outside of her and my 3 kids. I'm waiting to get my spinal fusion completed, so I'm a stay-at-home who that can't do much and have no other options, including no one to talk to about this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 519

You deserved it 130

Today, I was arguing with my fiancée, having the same argument I had with my ex wife. “Why should I get off early for the kids?”, “Why can’t you do it?” Because I’d forfeit $200 per day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 374

You deserved it 695