The Top

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Kick off

By Anonymous - 09/01/2026 20:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having spontaneous sex on the sofa when he suddenly pulled out and sat back down, boner waving like a flagpole, because half time was over on the football and he hadn’t thought the sex would take so long. Let's see if he ever gets sex again, tosser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 396

You deserved it 138

Chuds everywhere

By satanworshipper - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Hollywood

Today, I received another death threat for teaching evolution in college. I'm a geology teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 687

You deserved it 2 849

By desertpunk75 - 19/01/2011 03:40 - United States

Today, my friends thought it'd be funny to hold lighters under the smoke alarms while I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 858

You deserved it 3 173

JBP fever dream

By Mike0410 - 24/06/2024 16:00 - Romania - Alba Iulia

Today, I went for a picnic by the river in the forest with my grandma. I forgot to bring a swimsuit, and wasn't wearing any underwear either, so she just made me go naked. I got caught fully naked by some dirt bikers when I went to find a spot to pee. My grandma just laughed, really hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 360

By Anonymous - 23/01/2010 16:14 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I refused to share a toothbrush with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 883

You deserved it 6 298

By lady_jeni - 09/07/2009 07:29 - United States

Today, I went to see my grandmother. She has Alzheimer's and doesn't remember me sometimes, and today she thought I was her sister and that I was trying to steal my grandfather from her. She hit me with a cane and called me a slut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 549

You deserved it 3 243

By mehdi-online - 13/10/2008 08:22

Today, for the first time I sat next to a hot babe. I was feeling nervous, nevertheless, I managed to shyly ask her phone number. It’s only when I arrived back home that I realized there was a digit missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 741

You deserved it 18 041

What do you want from me?

By charapos - 28/11/2021 08:01

Today, the person who I've asked to back off is still messaging me and making me more stressed out. I'm pretty sure he fancies me, but I'm asexual. This after he already promised to back off multiple times. I think I've got myself a stalker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 172

You deserved it 236

Grossed out

By BARF - 12/02/2023 18:00

Today, my boyfriend is an incredibly adventurous eater. We were on a road trip and stopped at a place that had "Fried brain sandwiches" and he insisted on trying one. He loved it. Just watching him eat it made me so sick that I still feel nauseous hours later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 790

You deserved it 237

Keep some things to yourself

By Beer - 28/06/2024 12:00 - United States

Today, I picked out a massive two-inch long ingrown hair on my chin. I called my girlfriend in to take a look. She saw it, shrieked, then fainted, cracking her head on the toilet as she fell. Hello, hospital bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 283

You deserved it 393

By BabeRuth - 20/09/2013 15:33 - United States

Today, I thought it would be cool to hit a basketball with a baseball bat. Ended up in the ER with seven stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 044

You deserved it 47 859

By out_of_my_head - 19/09/2013 09:55 - United States

Today, a co-worker described, in vivid detail in the middle of the office, how he dribbles after peeing, and often has a burning sensation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 905

You deserved it 2 747

out_of_my_head tells us more.

out_of_my_head 3

Friday 20 September 2013 1:34

The comments are hilarious! The guy in question is in his 60's, and is one of those one-up anything you say type people who talks all day. I already avoid him at all costs, this is just more reason to. Not sure why it burns, but I would assume something isn't right down there, and it's not something to brag about to coworkers! I will be lysoling my desk on a daily basis!

By nyatzz - 16/11/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, my landlady cut off the Internet to my flat. She says she has no use for it, and doesn't want to keep it anymore. I have 3 online assignments due in the next week, and finals the following week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 279

You deserved it 2 934

By Zmeilerr - 15/01/2011 05:38 - United States

Today, I posted a status on Facebook saying I was depressed and needed someone to talk to. Someone commented on it saying "Just kill yourself". It got 20 likes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 697

You deserved it 16 743

Zmeilerr tells us more.

Zmeilerr 22

Saturday 15 January 2011 17:20

Thank you guys for all the advice/comments. I think it was just a bunch of dumb idiots from my school just messing around, but nonetheless, I took it seriously. Again thanks.

Cheeky

By Anonymous - 11/02/2023 18:00 - United States - Poughkeepsie

Today, I got a call from a former client. After migrating his firm to cloud-based apps a few months back, he decided I was too expensive, and he'd manage things himself. He called today with "a couple of quick questions." Question 1: How does he log in to make changes? FML

I agree, your life sucks 861

You deserved it 112

Skiver

By Anonymous - 02/07/2024 12:00 - United States

Today, while my husband and I were cleaning out a closet, he went outside to throw out some trash. He was taking a long time to return and I went to make sure he was OK. He was in the living room watching TV instead of helping me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 504

You deserved it 144

Classic mistake

By Katy - 14/02/2023 18:00

Today, after I finished giving my baby a bottle then burping her, I lifted her up and was bringing her in for kisses. As I was doing this, I felt this warm liquid hit my lips and slide into my mouth. I instantly pulled her back and she'd vomited. It took everything out of me not to vomit myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 383

Cannonball

By Anonymous - 05/07/2024 00:00

Today, after her very first driving lesson, my daughter came home claiming she did really well. Which is suspicious since her instructor was at that moment on the phone with me yelling, saying I must be crazy if I think she’s ever getting in his car again, and that I should explain to her what a bus pass is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 526

You deserved it 113

C'mon Kids

By Anonymous - 13/12/2021 23:01

Today, my fiancé walked out on me saying he loved me dearly, but not enough to continue parenting my three kids from my previous marriage because they hate him, he now hates them, and they’re not his problem to continue dealing with. I don’t know what I’m gonna do without him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 084

You deserved it 783

Quickie

By Anonymous - 17/02/2023 02:00

Spicy

Today, it's been exactly one year since I’ve had sex, and even that was because my wife caught me masturbating and helped me out with a zero effort handjob that was over in 15 seconds, since I’d already done 90% of the work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 016

You deserved it 298

Not today, Satan, not today!

By Anonymous - 15/12/2021 02:01 - United Kingdom

Today, after trying really hard to impress a girl and thinking everything was going the right way, hugs, kisses and chatting every night, and trying to spend as much time together, I get told, "I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want." Meaning me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 150

You deserved it 169

I don't like this

By Anonymous - 09/07/2024 06:00 - Portugal - Montijo

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is still liking other semi-naked girls at Instagram, even though I'd told him a month ago that it makes me feel insecure. It's time to say goodbye to him; I can't find a man with integrity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 473

You deserved it 323

By trooper93 - 18/01/2010 06:36 - Canada

Today, I received a letter saying that I was accepted into university and that I qualified for a number of scholarships. Too bad an equivalent sum of money will be spent fixing the car I hit, after spinning out on ice, whilst driving home from said university. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 974

You deserved it 4 870

I suck

By Anonymous - 18/02/2023 12:00

Today, I sucked so bad that I faked an injury during a football game to get out of playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 316

You deserved it 653

Memes for life

By Anonymous - 10/07/2024 09:00 - United States - Riverside

Spicy

Today, my dad got blind drunk at my son’s birthday party and decided to describe in bone chilling detail what “Hawk Tuah” meant to a bunch of kids. Hello therapy bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 526

You deserved it 131

By pinkrazrgirl247 - 03/07/2009 06:29 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street, when a man behind me tapped me on the shoulder. He gave a $5 bill and said that he thought I had dropped it. Not having the integrity to turn him down, I took it. I spent the next 20 minutes being chased by a crazy hobo who claimed that it was his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 449

You deserved it 52 248

Albatross around my neck

By josh9792 - 23/02/2023 18:00

Today, after moving in with a friend I've known for 9 years, I found out he's going to jail soon, and refuses to work or get a new job, making me unable to pay rent as he eats all my food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 814

You deserved it 180

Don't yuck his yum

By Anonymous - 13/07/2024 00:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I can’t get over that my husband will watch children’s movies all by himself, even though we don’t have kids. Seriously, I brought a friend over today and when we walked in he was drinking beer, watching a cartoon movie about a ladybird-themed superhero girl. It was so embarrassing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 97

You deserved it 1 158

Ironic if true

By Nononono - 03/02/2026 09:00

Today, I made a move on a male friend that I’ve been crushing on and he rejected me saying we should just stay friends. I told him that he was so mean. He replied, “How am I mean? I’m just not that into you, just like you’re just not that into our friend who worships the ground you walk on.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 66

You deserved it 1 147

By sneeuwbal - 25/12/2014 18:36 - Belgium - Dilbeek

Today, my girlfriend's dad called to say she wasn't allowed to come with me on a three-day trip on New Year's. He waited until Christmas to say it, even though we booked and paid for the trip nearly a month ago. Now he ruined both holidays. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 980

You deserved it 3 212

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The Top

Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML

I agree, your life sucks 208

You deserved it 1 182

Today, my husband and I were talking about celebrities he finds attractive. All of these beautiful, talented, glamorous women were starting to make me feel very plain, so he attempted to console me by saying, "But I love you. You're attainable!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 773

You deserved it 6 668

Random

Today, I'm fostering a very shy cat who doesn't like to be held. I had to move the litter box to another room, but when I picked him up to show him where I'd moved it to, he peed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 432

You deserved it 1 752

Today, after months of planning the perfect night with my brother, who was coming home for two weeks from the military, he cancelled because he "missed his dog". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 505

You deserved it 1 523

Today, I had sex with the guy who had been the main subject of my bean-flicking fantasies since I met him. It was the absolute worst sex of my life. I guess some things are just better left to the imagination. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 682

You deserved it 5 550

Today, my wife and I were watching a football game. While someone was about to score, she started screaming, "Go!" and "Come on! You can do it! Go baby, go!" My first thought was that I wished I could still make her scream like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 004

You deserved it 12 718

Today, I found out that the man I called grandpa for 40 years is really my dad. My drunk aunt spilled the beans. Her exact words were, "My dad is a better dad to you than he EVER was to me! You never wondered why he treated you better than his other grandchildren? You're his son!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 188

You deserved it 98

Today, while I was working, my friend stopped by and visited with me a moment. After she left, my client asked me if she was my daughter. My friend is 32 and I'm 27. FML

I agree, your life sucks 365

You deserved it 84