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By mynameis - 13/11/2009 06:35 - United States

Today, I was walking to the parking lot from class while texting. When I looked up as I approached my parking spot, I noticed the words "F*ck you Dave" keyed into my car. Hi, my name is Clare. Who's Dave? FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 489

You deserved it 2 260

Time to ditch

By Anonymous - 20/02/2021 19:58 - Czech Republic - Prostejov

Today, I'm worried senseless over my mom who's in hospital in an induced coma due to COVID-19, and my boyfriend complains that I don't want to have sex with him as often as he wants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 600

You deserved it 183

By Anonymous - 10/06/2012 19:50 - United Kingdom - Thetford

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, saying he had to move away to be with his dad, who's just been diagnosed with cancer. After talking to his sister, I discovered that not only is his dad healthy, he's not moving away either; he's just gotten back with his ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 556

You deserved it 2 556

By alycion - 17/06/2019 19:07

Today, I woke up with my face flying at the wall. A muscle spasm had caused me to pop out of bed. I'm now dealing with a concussion and sprained neck, thanks to an almost physically impossible feat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 698

You deserved it 138

It's a Jedi knockout

By Edouard - 22/02/2021 11:01 - Switzerland

Today, my girlfriend and I are still arguing about the same subject, which is pretty much one of the only things we disagree on: whether Obi-Wan is hotter than Anakin or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 312

You deserved it 800

Sensible

By strawberrywine22 - 03/08/2023 20:00

Today, I realized I have feelings for a really good friend of mine. Now I have to keep my distance because he’s married, and I refuse to be a homewrecker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 841

You deserved it 181

By Anonymous - 22/05/2013 17:10 - United States - Pomona

Today, my mom took me to a bar to cheer me up after being dumped. Two cute guys around my age kept looking over at us the whole night. When I told my mom, she said she was going to get them to come talk to me. Instead, she ended up leaving with both of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 027

You deserved it 5 154

By jared77 - 02/08/2011 16:26 - United States

Today, my mom decided to give me a bloodcurdlingly graphic sex talk. On a plane. I'm 23. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 807

You deserved it 2 888

Misty and Captain

By i hate you bluey! - 04/08/2023 14:00

Today, thanks to that stupid ass blue dog, our kids haven’t stopped hounding me about when their dad and I are getting married. They’re too young to understand, so I try to gently change the subject. That worked for about 5 minutes before they were right back to asking. Holy uncomfortable subject Batman! FML

I agree, your life sucks 253

You deserved it 754

Don't do drugs, kids

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while at a concert, I stepped into a restroom to use my nasal spray since my allergies were acting up. Apparently, someone thought that I had been snorting coke in the stall. I was escorted outside and had to wait for the cops until I could explain everything. I missed the headliner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 977

You deserved it 3 598

By ctschantz - 06/10/2010 14:29 - France

Today, I was getting ready to load my groceries in my car when my remote wouldn't work and neither would my key to unlock it. A cute young guy came over, not to help but to ask me what the hell I was doing to his car. My car, that looked exactly like his, was on the other side of the lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 806

You deserved it 13 557

By calliefml - 26/04/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, I walked into my dorm to find my roommate hanging a voodoo doll of me on a noose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 825

You deserved it 6 171

Hmmm, candy

By SleepEat - 25/02/2021 21:30

Today, I found out that I eat candy in my sleep. For two months I've been dieting because of my weight and high risk of diabetes. I now know why nothing has changed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 871

You deserved it 186

Evidence

By Lawyer time - 08/08/2023 16:00

Today, I found a receipt from a lingerie store for some nice garments. When I asked my wife about it, she stammered and said it was a birthday surprise, then got mad at me for ruining it. My birthday isn't for almost ten months and she hasn't been sexual with me for years, much less spontaneous. Nice try. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 264

You deserved it 169

By ineedayob - 18/05/2013 20:36 - United States - La Mesa

Today, I went for an interview regarding a seasonal position I'd been offered at a grocery store. The manager showed up 45 minutes past the scheduled interview time, cheerfully greeted me, and took me back to his office, just to tell me that they don't hire seasonal help. Ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 940

You deserved it 3 777

Animal lover

By fml9124 - 01/03/2021 02:00

Today, my 14 year-old daughter threatened to run away. Why? We live in southern Arizona. In the last week, she's found a dead tarantula and a live scorpion in her bedroom. In a couple of weeks it will be rattlesnake season. She's not liking the desert much anymore, where even the plants want to hurt you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 967

You deserved it 502

Bad omen

By Anonymous - 18/04/2022 08:00 - United States - Omaha

Today, it’s Easter Sunday. I have a countdown timer on my phone for when I can retire. I checked it : only 666 days left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 233

Opportunist

By Tmo - 12/08/2023 08:00

Today, I saw a toddler bolt in a parking lot. Since he was running towards the road behind me, I scooped him up to hand off to his mother. She shrieked, snatched him from my hands, and sprayed me with mace. While I was writhing in pain, some punk kid lifted my wallet and phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 303

You deserved it 132

Expensive hobby

By astalkerindeed - 16/05/2013 04:31 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I found out that my cell phone bill was much higher than normal. After investigating, I realized that a text conversation I had with my stalker, telling him multiple times not to contact me anymore, was to an international cell phone. I have to pay to be stalked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 730

You deserved it 6 491

Great, just great

By Norwegian - 02/06/2012 16:55 - Norway

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my dad. I thought it was a good idea at the time, at least until he took her aside for a private chat. During the chat, he told her all about my two previous marriages and advised her to "get out while you can". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 101

You deserved it 7 510

Mah bawsac

By Anonymous - 12/07/2014 20:19 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I accidentally twisted my balls in my own underwear so badly that I had to be hospitalized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 065

You deserved it 8 060

By badbride - 26/07/2011 17:11 - United States

Today, I accidentally slept in two hours later than I was supposed to. Today is my wedding day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 256

You deserved it 34 790

By Anonymous - 23/04/2009 13:35 - United States

Today, I sent my boyfriend of three and a half years a text message spilling my heart out, saying I'll love him forever, and how much I appreciate him in my life, that I want to be the mother of his children, etc. His text back to me? "Are you drunk?!?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 097

You deserved it 67 598

Denied

By uglyswimmer - 23/04/2009 01:58 - United States

Today, I was talking to a swimmer I just met. I saw a cute guy and whispered to her, "That guy is hot." She asked "Who?" I pointed at him. She turned to see him, then turned back to me and said "Ew, that's my brother." She went to him, whispered something. He turned around to see me and said, "EW." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 681

You deserved it 7 765

Demon spawn

By Anonymous - 29/05/2022 06:00

Today, my son's head teacher yelled down the phone at me, “I’m sorry but this is the last straw, Take him home now or I’m calling the police to remove him.” He’s 9 and this will be his sixth expulsion in 4 years, and we have no idea what caused this behaviour. He behaved just fine up to 4 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 845

You deserved it 444

Domino effect

By anon - 24/01/2025 12:00 - United States

Today, I laughed at a coworker for breaking a chair during a meeting. Ten minutes later, I sat in another chair, and it snapped under me. My coworker just whispered, "Karma, bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 86

You deserved it 828

By Anonymous - 29/05/2012 18:43 - United States - Springfield

Today, while taking part in a lifeguarding exercise, I was supposed to "drown" to get another guard to save me. After all was done, my boss called me into his office and screamed at me for "drowning the wrong way," and threatening our reputation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 390

You deserved it 2 180

A rock and a hard place

By Anonymous - 27/01/2025 12:00 - United States - Orange Park

Today, I’ve been having an affair with my cousin’s husband for the last 16 years. For 3-ish months, when my husband gets drunk, he accuses us of cheating & threatens to tell everyone. Sober, he remembers nothing. We are constantly worried he will tell but are too in love to end it. Both in bad marriages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 116

You deserved it 2 104

Sticky boi

By emonsteadman - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Denton

Today, at my job as a lifeguard, I told a teenager to, "Walk please." He then threw his soda at me as he ran away. We aren't allowed off stand unless it's an emergency, so I baked in that soda for 30 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 657

You deserved it 3 441

It's called being a wage slave

By Anonymous - 10/03/2021 11:01

Today, my new boyfriend told me he has no interest in being a dad, never has, never will, so the first time I ask him for any sort of help with my son he’s out the door. I'd dump his ass, but my mum just died so I have nowhere to go, and literally cannot afford both rent and food without his wage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 165

You deserved it 728

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The Top

Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 267 646

You deserved it 90 960

Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over three months is actually a very bored 14-year-old boy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 117 197

You deserved it 294 130

Random

Today, I had to bail my husband out of jail. It turns out that in the Black Friday rush, he beat a guy up just so he could get his hands on the last of a heavily-discounted item. The item in question: a toaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 062

You deserved it 4 329

Today, I asked my mom what her biggest craving was when she was pregnant with me. Her answer: an abortion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 762

You deserved it 5 333

Today, the phone rang so I went to answer it. No one was there. A minute later the phone rang again and no one answered so I assumed it was a telemarketer or a prank so I started swearing uncontrollably in rage. Turns out it was my crush calling to ask me out, but she was too nervous to ask. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 314

You deserved it 75 185

Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 484

You deserved it 818

Today, I ran downstairs to meet the Amazon driver and threw on a shirt in a rush. Only after he left did I realise it was my shirt with artful rips in the design and I'd forgot to put on a vest under it. I'd flashed the driver my entire right boob with nipple piercing through one of the holes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 1 887

Today, I received an email from my boss announcing a new company policy that everyone already hates. Meaning to vent, I typed a snarky reply meant for my friend, saying, "Guess we’re all fucking robots now, huh?" I'd hit "Reply All" instead. Now the entire office, including my boss, knows exactly what I think. FML

I agree, your life sucks 104

You deserved it 706