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Not now, Dave

By randomdude3890 - 11/02/2015 04:58 - United States - Bellevue

Today, my caring way too much about proper grammar got out of hand when I corrected my girlfriend during a talk about her dying grandmother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 348

You deserved it 38 182

Mortified

By Anonymous - 19/05/2024 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, at work, my vibrator rolled out of my bag so far down the table that I couldn’t catch it, and had to run round the table to grab it by leaning between two of my male coworkers. That vibrator lives under my bed, so the only way it could've got in my work bag would be my boyfriend pranking me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 584

You deserved it 200

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 20:00 - United States - Shingle Springs

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 165

You deserved it 152

By Zeco - 05/02/2011 22:54 - United States

Today, I was driving to work when I was almost hit by a teenage driver. I gave her the finger and shouted "F*** you!" making sure that she heard me. I then saw my boss glaring at me from the passenger seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 248

You deserved it 42 213

By derve - 07/11/2012 23:48 - United States

Today, as my girlfriend and I were finishing up a romantic dinner, she gazed into my eyes for a moment and said, "You know, sometimes you look like a character from Sesame Street." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 247

You deserved it 2 181

By Anonymous - 10/12/2011 03:41 - United States

Spicy

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I've gained weight. He replied, "Why do you think I've been so often on top lately?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 914

You deserved it 8 998

By Anonymous - 06/11/2012 18:34 - United States - Erie

Today, after being a germaphobe for almost ten years and refusing to go out to restaurants because of it, I finally had the courage to face my fear, and went to dinner with my family. After three bites into my salad, I found a dead bug in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 205

You deserved it 3 418

By liquorless - 05/11/2012 14:02 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, my girlfriend's mother came over for a few hours. After she left I went to grab a drink, only to find that three bottles of expensive liquor were missing from our liquor cabinet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 204

You deserved it 1 963

Awkward pause

By crazyclumzy - 04/02/2010 05:05 - Canada

Today, I had lunch with a coworker, and after having a good talk and enjoying each others company, we got up to leave. Right before we said goodbye, she looked me right in the face and, looking legitimately confused, said, "You know, I really don't understand why no one at work likes you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 148

You deserved it 2 772

Unhappy Birthday

By Anonymous - 27/07/2020 02:01

Today, none of my family was at home. Turns out my one of my aunts was having a birthday party and all my relatives went, but nobody told me because they don’t like me coming around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 319

You deserved it 271

Thanks bossman

By Anonymous - 11/10/2013 16:43 - United States - Logan

Today, I finally decided to stand up for myself and quit my crappy job working for my abusive father. I gave him a few insults too, to which he reacted by calling the police and claiming I'd threatened to murder him. I spent three hours in jail before they finally let me go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 714

You deserved it 3 929

By phlyingphuck - 19/07/2009 15:12 - United States

Today, I had a serious allergic reaction to the food I ate at a Chinese restaurant that supposedly didn't contain peanuts. According to my waitress, peanut oil "doesn't count". FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 626

You deserved it 4 645

By Nicos - 25/12/2008 06:07 - France

Spicy

Today, feeling romantic and overwhelmed with love, I told my fiancée: "I don't know what I'd do without you." She replied: "Well, you'd wank". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 992

You deserved it 6 290

Unreasonable

By Katsuria - 25/07/2020 14:01

Today, my mother disowned me because I wouldn’t fill out her visa application for France so that she can see her boyfriend. The reason why I refused was because my husband and I are on our honeymoon, and would like to spend some time together. I guess that makes me a “useless” daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 606

You deserved it 227

The one where they all bore my **** off

By new topic please! - 11/01/2023 06:00

Today, my boyfriend doesn’t understand why I don’t care too much for his friend group. He’s pretty mid, but the rest of them are hardcore republicans. It’s not their beliefs that get me, it’s the fact that they’re completely incapable of talking about anything other than politics. I’m so bored! FML

I agree, your life sucks 979

You deserved it 345

By Anonymous - 31/01/2011 17:35 - United States

Spicy

Today, my fiancé ended our engagement, saying he wanted to have "one last quickie" for the road. He saw nothing wrong with that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 103

You deserved it 4 058

Leave me alone

By Anonymous - 01/08/2020 17:00

Today, my idea of partying is vacuuming the house. Because that’s the only time when I have a legitimate excuse to wear headphones, listen to music and not be available for my grandma to call out to me because she wants something or other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 427

You deserved it 166

Sadly discontinued

By Anonymous - 05/10/2013 08:17 - United States

Today, I was grocery shopping. When I got to the frozen foods, I saw some Lean Pockets, which I haven't had in forever, so I bought a couple of boxes. Around lunch time, I was hungry and thought I could have some, until I realized why I stopped buying them: I don't have a microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 216

You deserved it 41 019

By Hot Pants - 01/12/2011 17:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I went into hospital and was being treated by a really cute doctor. Not knowing that I was going to end up here, I put on novelty underwear this morning. Well, at least he found the little green glow-in-the-dark skulls amusing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 443

You deserved it 5 819

Gross, dude

By smells like ass - 02/08/2020 23:03

Today, my boyfriend has only showered about three times since we’ve been on lockdown. Our whole place smells like a sewer main burst in a pro-sports locker room filled with sweaty nut sacks and dead feet. His excuse? "It’s not like we have anywhere to go babe." I can’t even eat around him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 919

You deserved it 400

Couvade syndrome

By Anonymous - 03/11/2021 08:00

Today my boyfriend overeats when he is upset, and normally keeps tight hold of his diet to control his weight. He assures me he’s happy about it, but since I told him I’m pregnant 3 weeks ago, he’s put on 28 pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 003

You deserved it 199

By Kerlane - 05/12/2008 03:45 - France

Today, I was sitting on the bus on my commute to work, when I nodded off on the charming young man next to me. Something cold and wet touched me, and I looked down to see a small pool of my saliva collecting on my chest. The man thought this was hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 497

You deserved it 5 333

(There's) Always Something There to Remind Me

By Anonymous - 24/01/2023 12:00

Today, riding the bus home from my domestic violence group therapy, I saw a billboard with the face of my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 802

You deserved it 172

By Kallian - 25/10/2012 07:08 - Australia

Today, I found a ticket on my motorcycle for not parking in a designated spot. The space I had parked my bike in was occupied by a large van. Some asshole had moved my bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 714

You deserved it 2 459

Kallian_fml tells us more.

Kallian_fml 21

Friday 26 October 2012 9:03

I actually feel much more comfortable on my bike than in a car. When I was 15 someone crashed into the side of my mums car, right where I was sitting. The passenger seat I'd been in was completely crushed. Many of my bones were also crushed. Guess I'm just afraid of getting trapped in a car like that again.

By SomeoneElse - 14/07/2009 13:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I was in a music shop looking for a new guitar when someone called out someone else's name and jumped on my back. I lost balance and fell forward and broke 3 guitars and damaged another 6. The guy said "Sorry, thought you were someone else" and ran out. I now have to pay £2500. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 360

You deserved it 3 367

By lectro - 24/11/2008 06:08 - France

Spicy

Today, I learnt that the girl with whom I've being going out for 6 months has been sleeping with every guy around except one. Guess who? FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 596

You deserved it 3 798

The Hulk

By Anonymous - 10/08/2020 14:01

Today, I was diagnosed with intermittent explosive disorder, meaning that I involuntarily fly into a rage without provocation. It's only controlled by healthy eating and sleeping. I work too much to get any sleep, I don't make enough money to eat well, and my disorder limits my ability to find a job that pays more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 734

You deserved it 379

Didn't see ya there

By AylaMarie92 - 09/11/2021 13:59

Today, like every other day, I suffer from insomnia. On returning to the bedroom after a very late night shower to hopefully get some rest, I sat on my cat. I jumped up quickly and smacked my face against the cupboard. I then looked back to see if she was OK. I'd sat on my Squishmallow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 955

You deserved it 347

Strange parenting

By Anonymous - 26/01/2023 01:30 - United States - El Paso

Today, for the fourth day in a row, my nine year-old son dragged his feet when it’s bedtime with any excuse he can come up with. He keeps getting up an hour later to tell me a story. No punishment, nothing works. I gave up and offered him $300, yes $300 cash, to go to sleep. He said no and ran to bed crying, saying I upset him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 314

You deserved it 1 132

By anonymous - 27/11/2011 00:12 - United States

Today, after spending hours putting up our tree and decorating it, it fell over and shattered the glass ornaments. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 598

You deserved it 4 649

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The Top

The Top

Today, I taught my friend how to use a staple gun. She taught me how to get staples out of my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 315

You deserved it 4 325

Today, my friend and I decided to wear a new red lipstick. The guy I like turned around, looked at her and said, "Red is a really interesting, sexy color. Pretty bold. Not bad." and he smiled. I waited, smiling also, only for him frown and say, "Your teeth are REALLY yellow." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 095

You deserved it 17 595

Today, I stopped at a lemonade stand on my way to work. A cute little girl handed me a mouthwash-sized cup of juice, and her adorable little brother told me it would be $.25. All I had was a $20. He shoved it into his overalls pocket, looked up with huge brown eyes and just said "Thank you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 317

You deserved it 56 556

Today, my wife of twelve years got drunk and told me the best sex she’s ever had was with her first ex after they broke up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 037

You deserved it 198

Today, at my mom's house, my daughter came running up to me with some sort of love heart hair band, demanding to wear it straight away. After a solid 30 seconds trying to figure out how the band fit around a child's head it started vibrating. It was my mom's sex toy from her bedside drawer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 127

You deserved it 199

Today, I had to block my mom on most social media sites because she's continually tagging me in the comments under blatantly fake AI videos, and asking me, "Is this one real??" FML

I agree, your life sucks 393

You deserved it 89