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Nap buddies

By Anonymous - 17/03/2022 00:01 - United States - Santa Barbara

Spicy

Today, I found out that my father is telling people that we sometimes sleep with each other, meaning it literally. He knows the figurative meaning of that phrase, but insists that “not everyone has a dirty mind.” Thankfully, since I’m an adult he won’t get into legal trouble, but still, ewww. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 412

You deserved it 191

It's not a phase… or maybe it is

By Anonymous - 07/05/2026 15:00 - United States

Today, we found out my niece has been faking all her issues in order to keep up her “damaged, beautiful disaster” online persona. She went too far and ended up on a 72hr hold. Now she’s screaming, crying, and begging to come home because the hospital is “too scary.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 371

You deserved it 92

By Anonymous - 18/10/2014 23:05 - United States - Evanston

Today, I laughed at my grandma's chihuahua poodle mix, as it barked at me entering the house. "What are you going to do, nibble me to death?" is apparently enough to make it jump and bite me. I needed five stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 516

You deserved it 13 268

By Peter - 25/11/2010 10:25

Today, while at work, I got fired because I was 'hitting' on my boss's wife who also works in the same company. Since when does 'asking for paper clips' mean 'hitting on'? FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 904

You deserved it 2 851

By sucker and suckatash/say don't spray - 17/07/2013 10:06 - United States - Pearl City

Today, I was doing stand-up comedy at open mic. The guy I like started laughing, but before I hit my punch line. Apparently, when I was speaking, I was occasionally spitting, and in the very bright light it was easy to see my spit hitting people in the face. They kept a tally. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 016

You deserved it 6 705

By Anonymous - 14/10/2014 18:57 - United States - Sebastian

Today, I got called to the guidance office, only to be told my boyfriend broke up with me. He wasn't sure how to break the news to me, so he made my guidance counselor do it for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 614

You deserved it 3 485

By kareltje - 14/09/2011 18:50 - Netherlands

Today, at 7am, I was woken up by a telemarketer. He tried to sell me a bedroom set containing "a comfortable pillow and goose feather cover". I was working the graveyard shift and had only just gotten to sleep an hour earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 820

You deserved it 2 861

kareltje tells us more.

kareltje 17

Wednesday 14 September 2011 23:53

Can't they make a living during office hours? That would've given me 2 hours of sleep at least...

By steph - 13/09/2011 21:40 - China

Today, I found a note on the front door of my flat saying, "You left your keys in your garage door so I put them in your letter box". Guess where my letter box key is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 000

You deserved it 6 669

Whadda you mean?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my partner and I were spending quality time with a newly single friend. She quoted some song lyrics, saying, "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, make an ugly woman your wife…" We all laughed, and then my partner said, "Boy, you got THAT right." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 552

You deserved it 3 980

By me - 04/08/2012 19:14 - Canada - Debert

Today, I was teaching my daughter how to ride a bike with no training wheels. After comforting her and assuring her that she'd be fine, I gave her a big push. She fell forward over the handlebars and scraped her chin on the front wheel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 205

You deserved it 26 903

By Random Person - 21/11/2010 05:31 - United States

Today, I was eating out at a restaurant downtown with my brother in-law when I told him I couldn't eat any more. He then told me, "You better, or you're walking home." He wasn't kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 457

You deserved it 3 598

By xpxp2002 - 27/05/2009 09:48 - United States

Today, I dreamed that I met this beautiful girl at a restaurant and we ended up having lunch together. Everything was going perfect until the end when I tried to get her number and she wouldn't give it to me. I can't even get a girl in my dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 606

You deserved it 6 623

Deflated

By Anonymous - 17/05/2023 00:00

Spicy

Today, and the for the past few weeks, my husband has been sulking because I’ve recently stopped breastfeeding and my boobs have started shrinking back to their original A cup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 163

You deserved it 214

By thenegatives - 09/10/2014 01:12 - United States - Mckeesport

Today, my son was smart enough to hack the school's computers to change his midterm, but isn't smart enough to actually keep his grades up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 737

You deserved it 4 343

By SODbeatlesMCRlp - 19/11/2010 16:54 - United States

Today, I came home and found a can of body spray. My parents get me a new scent whenever they go shopping, which is usually at least twice a week. They left a note: "Do you get it yet?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 761

You deserved it 35 096

By bluestarr1 - 10/09/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, my husband went downstairs to play Call of Duty. When he came back after only 20 minutes I said, "Awww, did you miss me?" He said, "No, the controller died." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 041

You deserved it 8 219

bluestarr1 tells us more.

bluestarr1 7

Monday 12 September 2011 5:22

I'm pregnant & on bed-rest. I rely on him for a lot since I can't go downstairs. I thought him playing COD with his friends would give us a break from our constant interactions with each other. It just wasn't long enough for him. And keeping him entertained wasn't a part of our wedding vowels.

By duderboi99 - 25/05/2009 19:45 - United States

Today, I was writing a huge paper for a class as our last grade. My dog starts scratching himself. He hit the power button on the computer. Nothing was saved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 276

You deserved it 40 158

Sorry…

By Forever alone - 22/12/2020 02:02 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I was falling in love with the nostalgia of having handwritten love letters and flowers left on my windshield. Turns out my "secret admirer" was just a mean prank conjured up by my coworkers. They laughed. I cried, hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 380

You deserved it 278

By Anonymous - 31/07/2012 16:13 - United States

Today, I got a root canal. It wouldn't have been that bad if the dentist hadn't performed it on the wrong tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 071

You deserved it 1 851

Desperation

By Anonymous - 18/02/2022 21:59

Today, I felt so lonely that I went on an online chat website and pretended to be a girl just so someone would talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 663

You deserved it 407

Not sure what's going on here, but…

By Anonymous - 22/10/2024 18:00 - Canada - Toronto

Spicy

Today, I'm 58 years-old, and the 40 year-old woman I'm sleeping with is so tight that she "spits me out" every time she has an orgasm. I have to work it back in at least 5 times every time we get together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 183

You deserved it 536

By Anonymous - 28/07/2012 16:02 - United States - South Bend

Today, I finally met my daughter's boyfriend. He has a face tattoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 444

You deserved it 6 106

By okaythen6 - 09/12/2009 11:13 - United States

Today, I showed up on set for a film that I booked a role in weeks ago. At the time of the audition, the script was being rewritten, so today I was so excited and eager to be told what my role would entail. When they handed me the script, my character was described as a fat, ugly, awkward girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 248

You deserved it 5 076

Thanks, I hate it

By MdT - 23/05/2009 11:51 - South Africa

Today, my family returned from a holiday in Egypt. A holiday that I really wanted to spend with them. As if leaving me behind wasn't bad enough, they then made me watch a 200-picture slideshow of how much fun they had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 917

You deserved it 3 715

It's gettin' hott in here

By Anonymous - 27/03/2022 14:00

Spicy

Today, I finally had an weird sex dream after a long time. I was the center of attention of a group of guys, but on closer look, they were all clones of my husband. Multiple copies of my husband. Guess I'm monogamous for life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 755

You deserved it 433

By -_- - 05/07/2013 21:59 - United States - Munith

Today, at a family dinner, my mother-in-law talked me into showing off some moves that I've learned in martial arts. I gently did a restraining hold on her. She screamed that I was trying to break her wrists, and kept the wounded act up all night, smirking as everyone gave me death glares. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 619

You deserved it 5 234

By redcherries90 - 08/12/2009 15:19 - United States

Today, I slipped on the new snow and sprained my ankle. As my mom and I were leaving the emergency room, she says, "You owe me $4 for parking," and she meant it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 722

You deserved it 4 009

By brokeandhungry - 04/07/2013 05:18 - United States

Today, I saw a little girl digging in the gravel inside the fireworks tent I work in. After she and her family left, I went and used my foot to smooth out the mound she'd made. In doing so, I discovered that she wasn't digging, she was burying. She'd pooped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 257

You deserved it 4 803

By ddll - 05/09/2011 01:27 - Singapore

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She responded by sitting on the floor, crying like a baby and screaming "WHY?" at strangers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 346

You deserved it 12 341

Stuck in a rut

By neurodi-HELPME - 03/06/2023 10:00

Today, my ADHD brain won't quit hyperfixating on one specific show. I've watched all 5 seasons 3 times through and have the wiki open at all times. I've tried watching other things, but even shows that I'm huge fan of don't cut it. I feel like there's no end in sight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 654

You deserved it 264

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The Top

The Top

Today, I found out that the $200 I reluctantly gave to my mother so she could rent a house was paid to a scammer. Now she wants to live with me, in my one bedroom apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 883

You deserved it 1 915

Today, I heard my skinny 14-year-old daughter tell her friend, "Ugh, I wish I had leukemia or something so that I could lose weight." Yes, she actually said that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 175

You deserved it 3 872

Today, the ex who I'm still in love with told me he wishes we could be together, but that first I really need to get over the fact that he already has a wife and kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 780

You deserved it 7 397

Today, I'm getting kicked out of my flat because my drunk friends stole a pony and left it tied outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 412

You deserved it 3 506

Today, I found one of those online color blindness tests where you have to distinguish a colored number from the pattern. Not being able to, I spent hundreds of dollars on medical tests to discover that the pattern online was a joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 460

You deserved it 71 383

Today, as a 17-year-old, after having gone to the doctor to about some unusual hair loss, it turns out I simply have crappy genetics, and should expect to be fully bald within a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 078

You deserved it 418