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It's not like it's something I just decided was a symtom. It was my psychiatrists opinion/word that it was. They now want me to do further testing. its just disheartening to know that I could lose my job over this.

By FirstStringQB - 01/10/2011 22:45 - United States

Today, at football practice, a 200lb lineman ended up landing on my stomach. The weight made me shit myself. My new nickname is "Muddbutt". FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 295

You deserved it 4 747

MILF

By Anonymous - 12/11/2020 08:03

Today, I was watching porn and found my mom on a webcam. When I told her that I saw her, she just took away my computer and told me to get off porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 357

You deserved it 626

It's not a phase, mom!

By Anonymous - 24/12/2009 23:35 - United States

Today, I woke up to see that I had two black eyes from a cheerleading stunt gone wrong yesterday. I decided to curl my hair to distract from them. While curling my hair I accidentally burned my cheek. I now have two black eyes and a huge burn on my cheek. My extended family is coming tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 894

You deserved it 7 279

Never sneak up

By Anonymous - 26/01/2022 14:01

Today, I was listening to some music before school started, which is why I didn't hear my teacher sneak up behind me. When she laid her hand on my shoulder, of course I accidentally punch her in the face. Her nose bled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 622

You deserved it 890

By Anonymous - 29/09/2011 07:34 - United Kingdom

Today, my co-workers agreed that I was the one causing the elevator to be over its weight limit. When I protested, saying that I only weigh around 150 pounds, one asked me if that included the weight of my wheelchair. They made me get out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 792

You deserved it 3 288

By rie - 24/12/2009 00:29 - Ireland

Today, I found out my college friends are going to attack me after Christmas and attempt to tickle me to death. All because they know that I hate to be tickled. They are also going to make a Facebook group dedicated to the matter so people can join in if they wish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 462

You deserved it 5 432

Fear & Malding

By Shaving it off - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, when I showed someone my 9-year old passport, she commented, “You look so different! Now you have that Jason Statham thing going on!” My hair goes down to my shoulders; this confirms that my receding hairline is real and it’s time to come to grips. At least I’m over 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 238

You deserved it 556

Thanksgiving 2020 is going to be a doozy

By Anonymous - 15/11/2020 08:08 - United States - Bakerville

Today, I'm stuck at my minimum wage job, listening to people who make twice as much as me complain that, "they only get the week off for Thanksgiving." FML

I agree, your life sucks 966

You deserved it 142

Daddy issues

By Anonymous - 20/04/2023 00:00

Today, all other moms I know have cute stories about their husbands panicking during the birth. Not me, mine flew to Vegas the week I was due and solicited an undercover female officer. He’s not held the baby yet, he’s still in jail for resisting arrest and contempt of court. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 070

You deserved it 208

Spooky office vibes

By helosthisshit - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Linlithgow

Today, I went to a Halloween party with people from work. As the night passed, my boss got hammered and started throwing food at people. It was fun and games until I accidentally spilled his tenth beer. His response? To slam a hollowed out pumpkin full of chocolate mousse over my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 320

You deserved it 4 469

How romantic, Honey!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me to dinner. There was a beautifully decorated table with rose petals and a huge bouquet and he told me he had ordered all this for me. I'd never felt so special. That is, until I had to get up for the couple whose table it actually was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 708

You deserved it 3 774

By foretwintie - 06/06/2009 11:18 - Canada

Today, while I was taking a break at work, someone stole my iPod from my desk. I work in a police station. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 242

You deserved it 8 290

Turn me on

By kk. - 24/02/2022 16:00

Today, I'm on my period and super bloated. My husband laid down next to me and said, "Hey pretty lady, wanna have a good time? Let me stick my pin in and let some of that air out", then made a deflating noise with a hand movement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 250

You deserved it 214

By TheJuggla17 - 22/12/2009 05:45 - United States

Today, I put in an application to my local market for a job that I desperately needed. I was talking to the manager, he seemed pleased with my application and said he'll call me. As he walks into his private office, I hear the sound of a paper shredder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 130

You deserved it 2 635

You've got some explaining to do

By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 23:01

Today, my boyfriend accidentally synced his contacts to my phone. I'm not sure who I want to message first, "Amber (Big Ass)", "Kayla (Baby Girl)", or one of the other 64 with similar descriptions in parentheses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 379

You deserved it 133

Nice guy to the rescue

By Anonymous - 24/01/2022 01:59

Today, I saved a woman from being mugged, and stayed with her until the police arrived. At which point she ignored me completely, and thanked the handsome 20-something police officer for making her feel safe, like I did nothing. Ungrateful cow. Next time the mugger can have your handbag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 377

You deserved it 1 406

Brat

By HelloKitty - 20/09/2024 12:00 - United States - Bossier City

Today, I went into a cafe only to be greeted by a young boy who pulled down my leggings in line. Everyone got a look at my pink Hello Kitty panties with white frilly trimming before scrambling to pick them up. In the process, I banged my head on the counter, and fell on the floor, unconscious, pants still down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 659

You deserved it 95

By Anonymous - 02/12/2010 15:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend informed me via text message that he had moved to Bristol, and the reason he had ignored me the past fortnight was because he didn't know how to tell me. He knew he was moving even before we even got together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 600

You deserved it 2 954

By Caleb - 10/02/2017 13:18 - United States - Cedar Park

Today, I went to Jack in The Box to grab a quick hamburger. I was in a hurry, so I didn't check my order. By the time I opened the bag, I was really hungry. Unfortunately, the burger looked like a 5-year-old wrapped it, and the burger looked bitten into. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 060

You deserved it 190

I now pronounce you…

By Anonymous - 28/04/2023 10:00

Today, while registering to get married, my fiancé and I discovered that we’re already married and have been since our first foreign holiday together, to Vegas, when we got very drunk. Elvis was there. See where I’m going with this? Our parents are furious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 292

You deserved it 1 065

Drunk?

By neednewfriends - 19/12/2009 23:21 - United States

Today, I ran into the living room when I heard the smoke alarm going off. Turns out, my friend thought it was a good idea to melt a plastic cup on my floor heater. He also thought the best way to put it out was to urinate on it. My house smells like burnt pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 393

You deserved it 2 955

By keifer13 - 03/06/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, it was my high school graduation. I brought my camera to capture these last memories, only to discover that the batteries were dead. When I got home and went to change them, I realized they were not dead, they were just put in the wrong way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 643

You deserved it 56 276

Cheesy

By Anonymous - 25/02/2022 18:00 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I told my best friend that there was a time that I loved her, then told her it was today, yesterday, last week, last month, last year, and listed several years before that, etc. Her response? "Wow, I can't believe we've known each other that long." FML

I agree, your life sucks 905

You deserved it 387

Thanks but no thanks

By bahhumbug - 21/12/2015 18:25 - United States - Seattle

Today, I received three big boxes from my mother in law, containing expensive cookware. I was puzzled, because I know that she hates me. Turns out she mailed them to us by mistake. Not only did she not get us anything, but I now have to pay to ship the boxes to her neighbor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 150

You deserved it 1 921

By Iceicebaby - 16/02/2017 00:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, after getting out the car and closing the door, I began walking and slipped on some black ice. In the moment of panic, I grabbed onto my car wing mirror. Luckily, I didn't hit the deck. Unluckily, the wing mirror broke off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 218

You deserved it 674

By Anonymous - 20/09/2011 10:39 - Australia

Today, I realized just how much my bad sex life has started affecting me, when after not being able to climax from masturbating, I instinctively faked an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 772

You deserved it 9 204

By Anonymous - 17/02/2017 14:00 - Canada - Calgary

Today, at the hairdresser's, I fell asleep while my hair was being washed. My barber had to shake me awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 152

You deserved it 1 088

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, after working the night shift, I accidentally left my iPod at the office. I woke up later and went on Facebook. To my dismay, I saw some coworker had posted stuff on my wall, such as, "I really have to take a shit!" and "Yes, my tits are real!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 048

You deserved it 12 029

Today, I invited my girlfriend over to a family lunch, planning to propose to her at just the right moment. My family was in on it, including my apparently disapproving mom, who kept causing a scene to grab my girlfriend's attention every time I went to pull out the ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 899

You deserved it 2 826

Today, my virgin girlfriend who wanted to lose her virginity to me got on Google, and quizzed me on how to properly put on a condom. She doesn't trust me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 199

You deserved it 8 924

Today, I finally got my paycheck from working at my minimum wage job for the last three months. I was delighted when I saw it was worth $846. On my way to cash it, I destroyed my car's suspension. It's going to cost almost $800 to fix. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 016

You deserved it 6 730

Today, these kids in my math class told me to ask this girl if I could lick her clit. I basically yelled, "What's a clit?" Everyone looked at me. I'm a senior in high school, no one has yet to explain it to me. I had to Google it when I got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 845

You deserved it 83 938

Today, I introduced my new boyfriend to my dog, hoping they’d get along. I told my boyfriend, “Don’t worry, he never jumps on anyone.” Immediately, my dog jumped, not onto my boyfriend but right into my lap, knocking my glass of red wine all over my trousers. My boyfriend patted the dog and said, “At least someone’s happy to see you.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 282

You deserved it 111