The Top

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Stranger danger

By john doe - 07/12/2013 17:29 - United States - Portland

Today, my 6 year-old daughter got mad at me for not buying her yet another expensive doll. I had to pull her away, and she started screaming for help. The next thing I know, another shopper puts me in a chokehold and calls for security, all while my daughter smirks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 097

You deserved it 6 213

Damn

By suicide - 04/02/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I took a big sip of water while on a bus. It went down the wrong pipe, causing me to cough and hack loudly. The old woman sitting across from me asked if I was OK. Jokingly, I said, "Just dying." She replied, "You too, huh?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 819

You deserved it 33 890

Headache

By inpain14 - 13/05/2020 05:00

Today, I learned that one of the reasons I may be getting migraines every day is because I subconsciously clench my jaw a lot due to stress. To try and have it hurt less, I’ve gone back to wearing my plastic retainer during the day, but it makes my gag reflux act up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 431

You deserved it 236

Kinky

By 9gingerface66 - 15/01/2012 06:29 - United States

Today, after finally getting up the confidence, I started talking really dirty to my boyfriend on the phone. I was getting really onto it, and he seemed to enjoy it too. Then I stopped for a second to gauge his reaction. He was snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 918

You deserved it 4 696

By Anonymous - 13/03/2011 19:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out the reason my boyfriend dumped me was because his parents don't like the fact that I go to a prestigious university. However, they're completely accepting of the drunken slob who's dating their daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 697

You deserved it 3 761

By Anonymous - 04/12/2013 20:25 - United States - Houston

Today, I found out who's been stealing clothes from me during swim practice. She called me a liar, despite wearing one of my sweaters, which has my initials stitched into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 561

You deserved it 2 789

By shitttyyyday - 14/01/2012 07:47 - United States

Today, I got my period at school. I didn't notice until a boy asked me if I'd killed someone in my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 880

You deserved it 4 390

Slammed

By Bambi - 12/08/2009 06:49 - United States

Today, I crashed my car. I saw a deer getting ready to run into the middle of the road, and I was very sleepy, so I panicked and slammed on the brakes, causing me to lose control of the car on the wet road. After I hit a tree, I realized that the deer was a plastic lawn ornament. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 211

You deserved it 46 226

Covid is so 2019

By Anonymous - 13/11/2022 18:00 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I’m sick with COVID and got so exhausted from changing my rank, sweaty bed sheets, that I had to lie down. I then had a sudden coughing fit that made me shit my pants, right through to the freshly-changed bed, and I then burst into tears about it. I’m 34 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 258

You deserved it 179

By Anonymous - 26/02/2010 11:11 - Norway

Today, I bought Plan B for the first time. Not because I had unprotected sex, but to make the cashier think someone would actually sleep with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 849

You deserved it 43 310

Alexa, play "Don't Go" by Yazoo

By Anonymous - 26/08/2021 02:01

Today, my mother broke into my emails and rejected the best job offer I’ve ever had, all because the job is on the other side of the country, and she’s a selfish bitch who doesn't want to be left completely alone, since she has no friends and our relatives don’t speak to her anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 390

You deserved it 120

Queasy

By tbw - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I decided to get my ass in shape and went to the gym. I got motion-sickness on the elliptical. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 661

You deserved it 5 949

Scheißleben

By LearnGeographyUSA - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Kirkland

Today, and for the past 13 months, I've been living in the States. I've been called a Nazi, asked if we have electricity in Germany, and been made fun of the way I speak with my "German accent", the list goes on. I'm not even German, I'm Danish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 144

You deserved it 2 982

Stupid cat

By cathater - 06/01/2020 01:00 - United States - Eddington

Today, as I was getting dressed for my big date, my cat pooped on my only shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 939

You deserved it 763

By ihncredible - 10/12/2012 23:32 - United States - Macomb

Today, I stepped on the scale and realized that I weigh more than the amount of money that I have in my bank account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 205

You deserved it 8 085

WTF dude?

By shit - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found my drunken roommate asleep in my bed, naked, after he'd peed himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 917

You deserved it 1 984

Inappropriate "joke" time

By Anonymous - 21/11/2022 10:00 - United Kingdom

Today, at work, we were talking about how Google apparently has a room full of puppies for when their employees are feeling stressed. I made a very loud joke about how we should get a room full of company prostitutes for when we feel stressed, not realizing there was a customer and my manager in the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 273

You deserved it 2 198

Sigma grindset

By TrueStory - 05/04/2024 20:00 - Pakistan

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me, just because he found out I scam people for money on the internet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77

You deserved it 2 273

Ciao!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out that my wife of 5 years has decided to change everything: her job, clothes, hair style, car, and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 668

You deserved it 3 172

By georgiaswish - 20/11/2013 20:05 - United Kingdom

Today, my obsessive ex, who recently cut my phone line to stop me from talking to my boyfriend of three years, got a job at the same restaurant where both my boyfriend and I work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 052

You deserved it 3 851

Horny bonk

By horny21 - 21/02/2010 08:19 - Canada

Today, I was laying on the bed, naked, waiting for my boyfriend to come home since we haven't had sex in almost a month. Hearing him come in, I struck my sexiest pose. He walked into our room and tossed his backpack at me. Not only did we not have sex, his backpack gave me a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 599

You deserved it 4 052

Feu Orange

By Farty - 03/09/2021 05:01 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I found out my boyfriend keeps a car air freshener on his desk, because it "keeps my farts away from his air." FML

I agree, your life sucks 670

You deserved it 322

By Not impressed. - 19/11/2013 05:51 - Canada - Toronto

Today, working in a department store, I spent at least 30 minutes helping a verbally abusive elderly woman in a wheelchair find an appropriate jacket for winter. She finally asked me to retrieve one she wanted in her size. When I returned she was in deep sleep, snoring and all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 624

You deserved it 3 060

By ottawaaa - 27/01/2009 22:26 - Canada

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and as I pulled out to finish I slipped and ended up punching her in the stomach, I came while she was writhing in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 263

You deserved it 10 903

Extreme drying

By Anonymous - 02/06/2020 05:00

Today, I was drying my duvet and pillows in the dryer. Apparently, one of the pillows was memory foam, which I was not aware of. It caught on fire due to the heat and nearly burned down my laundry room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 158

You deserved it 851

Wipe time

By brad - 16/04/2024 20:00 - United States

Today, I came home and walked into my living room to see my roommate passed out naked, porn autoplaying on the living room TV, a killed 12-case of beer, and dried jizz all over the couch from God knows how many loads. “I thought you were coming home tomorrow,” he said. At least the sofa is leather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 626

You deserved it 150

By Anon O'Mous - 02/01/2012 15:38 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower at the gym when hearing a loud popping noise. Surprised and startled, I jumped and slipped, hitting my head against the shower wall that left a small gash. The pop noise was just someone blowing bubbles from their gum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 605

You deserved it 5 703

By Anonymous - 25/02/2011 12:17 - Egypt

Today, I asked out a girl I like to a movie. She said "I hate babysitting." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 863

You deserved it 5 532

By GeneralElement - 19/02/2010 06:32 - United States

Today, in math, I was working on an assignment and this really cute girl comes over and says my name. At this point, my heart is pumping with excitement and I'm thinking she is going to ask for my number. She said, "Did you know someone drew a penis on your back?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 945

You deserved it 3 673

Love is…

By jemma - 04/08/2009 11:27 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend was reading me a poem he wrote for me. It was beautiful, and going really well… until he read the last line, which had a girl's name in it. It wasn't my name. My boyfriend said, "Shit, wrong girl", and dug through his bag for a different poem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 134

You deserved it 4 749

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The Top

Today, as if having to endure the noises of my parents having sex in the next room wasn't painful enough, my mom decided to shout, "Yeah! Like a horse!" I want to cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 205

You deserved it 5 966

Today, my parents scoured my browser history, certain that I have a hidden Facebook account that I'm using to get up to no good. Their reasoning was that there's no way my only friends are my relatives and that all I can post about is about the weather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 372

You deserved it 7 439

Today, I had to sit patiently at the checkout at work, listening to my own father rant about how the twinkies he was buying were "twice the size back in my day", and how "you could buy a dozen of these suckers for just 10 cents." He didn't stop there. No, he tried to haggle over the price. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 937

You deserved it 2 404

Today, I was alone in my dorm room rehearsing comments to make in my writing class tomorrow. I grew up with a severe stutter, and rehearsing like this is one of the ways I keep my speech under control. What I didn't plan on was my roommate walking in. I think she now thinks I'm schizophrenic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 810

You deserved it 3 000

Today, while with my new boyfriend, my ex called to tell me I needed to go to the doctor to get checked out. He had gotten an STD from the girl he cheated on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 316

You deserved it 4 145

Today, I found the missing sock from my laundry inside the sleeve of a hoodie I’d already worn twice. I now know where my laundry goes to hide from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 253

You deserved it 92